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Cole’s Notes Reveal Time Transit System

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Time Traveling Teacher Eloi Cole's Notes

March 16, Hadron Collider, Switzerland – Almost one year to the day after a mysterious tweedy time traveller breached security at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, scientists there unveil the plan for mass time-transit.

Physicists Tom Weiler and Chui Man Ho today confirmed their plan to turn the Hadron Collider into the world’s biggest, mass transit time machine by colliding protons to create particles called Higgs singlets with the ability to jump into an extra, fifth dimension where they can move either forward or backward in time and reappear in the future or past. Would this turn the Large Hadron Collider into a mass underground time transit subway, 17 miles long? If so, when will it be open? And what will be the fare?

“I’m not sure,” says Weiler. “We’re still in the planning stages.” (SEE PLAN ABOVE.)

About that plan…

Can it be a coincidence this announcement comes almost one year after a mysterious time traveller named Eloi Cole breached security at the LHC, stating to police his intention was to STOP the discovery of time travel? Dismissed as an April Fool’s prankster, Eloi Cole was remanded to a local psychiatric center, where he promptly disappeared.

Weiler declined to comment but according to an unnamed janitorial source at the collider, this is no surprise.

“Think about it. ‘Eloi Cole?’ Tell me he wasn’t from Cole’s Notes in the future? No scientist will admit using these handy abridged references but I can tell you from experience nine out of ten of them do it.” the janitor stated.

“Besides who can name even one instance when traveling back in time to prevent something occurring failed to actually cause that thing to occur?”

He also adds that he is looking forward to the ability to send all litterbugs back in time again and again until they learn to use the garbage receptacles.

SUPERMOON COUNTDOWN: LEPRE-WERE WATCH

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Ward off the lepreweres and wereprechauns with one of these!
Ward off the lepreweres and wereprechauns with one of these!

March 19, 2011 – The Supermoon rises! The most anticipated moon since the solstice eclipse. This perigee moon, the closest one in 19 years, following in the wake of dreaded St. Patrick’s Day. The forecast calls for earthquakes (done), tsunamis (done) and volcanoes (done). So what next?

Well maybe the worst news of all. This supermoon rises in the aftermath of St. Patrick’s Day, globally the seasonal peak of leprechaun activity. This year due to the Supermoon, it’s sure to be the worst in recent memory. I’m talking about lepreweres or leprewolves or wereprechauns or… however you say it, hide your gold and get out your four leaf clovers it’s getting hairy at perigee.

There’s a LOT going on around here! I’m still getting caught up after an epic night of pizza delivery to a lot of strangely ravenous short, hairy people. Check it out for yourself. You know what they say, what you don’t know that you don’t know can kill you even before you don’t know you don’t know it!

1. Highly suspicious Grandparents both born on this day.

2. Werewolves begin to transform into… green wolves? Or very hairy short humanoids?

3. Epic muffin shortages reported worldwide!

(Also if anyone has lost a zombie friend or family member please contact the site immediately he’s STILL wandering in Wyoming.)

Stay tuned, cause it’s sure to get hairy at perigee!

Dirty Meteorites Transport Alien Bacteria

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Dirty Meteorites: Who's Cleaning The Ship?

Friday Mar 04, 2011 – Unsanitary news for alien-human relations this week. Nine meteorites have been quarantined after NASA’s discovery of alien bacteria on board. The dirty meteorites are refueling humanity’s fear of aliens with dirty tentacles, while leaving earthbound aliens concerned for the future of their precious meteorite transport supply drops.

Space flight sanitation inspector Dr. Richard B. Hoover discovered the alien bacteria on nine CII carbonaceous meteorites and published his findings in the Journal of Cosmology today. While the exact provenance of these nine dirty meteorites remains undetermined, they have been widely speculated to come from passing supply comets, shuttling goods from one of Jupiter’s many moons, possibly Europa, to the alien community here on earth.

“What if NASA cuts off delivery of our powdered Bantha milk and anti-gravity cream?” asks one concerned alien who asked to remain anonymous. “All because some lazy loading crew on the mother ship couldn’t be bothered to wash his tentacles?”

Will the discovery of nine dirty drops now lead to increased interplanetary delivery regulation?

“Look people it’s only nine dirty meteorites. Nine out of 35, 000,” says the concerned alien. “What about all those dirty space probes NASA’s been sending all over the solar system! You can’t tell me those have been sterilized.  And don’t even get me started on all the space junk NASA leaves lying around up there!”

Inter-planetary comet travel and meteorite delivery of alien materials was first studied by Arthur C. Clark in 1960 when he first described the use of comets to shield space travelers from the sun’s radiation. This practice continued largely unregulated until 2006 when NASA began to actively study this interplanetary transportation and communication, and began scrutinizing some 35, 000 meteorites.