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Time Travel Island: Birthday Protestors Stay Put

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As Samoa Island officials prepare to wake up from a national time travel experiment that effectively cancelled today December 30, a group of 775 Samoans are refusing to budge. These so-called “Birthday Protestors,” are vowing to celebrate and even remain in December 30 forever if need be.

“It’s my birthday! You can’t just cancel my birthday!” writes Samoan Birthday Protestor Karl Mayne, leader of the protestors. “I had a traditional Samoan slap dance and wrestling match planned. Besides what if everybody wakes up on December 31 and now I don’t exist? What then?”

One of 775 Samoans refusing to time travel.
Birthday boy Karl refusing to skip today despite the risks.

Recall that Samoa, in a move designed to simplify relations with key trading partners Australia and New Zealand, is leaping forward as we speak, to December 31 – New Year’s Eve – at the stroke of midnight tonight. Friday December 30 December 2011 will simply not exist.

However 775 people born on this day, fearing a time paradox that could result in a massive un-birthday, are refusing to go to sleep, despite the temporal risks.

While Prime Minister Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi is speaking out against the protest, warning the Birthday Protestors against the dangers of being stuck in a so-called “lost day” forever.

“If you do not take the pill and join us by midnight, you will be left behind for ever and never see your families again.”

Samoan Prime Minister warning Birthday Protestors
Samoan Prime Minister warns Birthday Protestors they will be left behind forever

The Birthday Protestors do not appear worried.

“Who cares if I get stuck forever in a so-called lost day,” says Karl. “Then every day will just be my birthday! How wicked is that?”

Prime Minister TSM has reportedly invited Samoan national Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to help wrestle the Birthday Protestors into tomorrow.

For more than a century Samoa has been one of the last places to see the sun go down each day. The dateline switch means it will become one of the first to see the sun rise on New Year’s Day, and every day.

Island of Time Travellers
Lost tribe of Birthday Protesters will be stuck forever on December 30

Beware the Fire Rose

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Hail Survivors,

I recently received an email from Time Kitsune with some information about a very strange and magical new flower known as the Fire Rose or Ignis Rose.

This beautiful but deadly flower, which may have been developed by A51, emits light that has the same effect on vampires as direct sunlight. The efficacy of daywalker rings in resisting the light of the Ignis Rose is so far untested, at least to my knowledge.

Time Kitsune discovered this weaponized flower and asked me to put out an alert with this information here on the site so here it is. Please be careful. It is unknown what other properties it may possess but if A51 is behind it you can bet it is not good news.

Thanks to Time Kitsune for the intelligence.

Keep on keeping on.

Seth

The Yule Cat Cometh!

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Between dangerous holiday shopping and zombie mall Santas it’s easy to forget the real threat lurking between you and all that Christmas turkey. Call it Winter Solstice or Alban Arthuan or Yule or just December 21 in the northern hemisphere, the darkest day of the year has come again and the stakes are historically high. Restless spirits must be calmed and the light must be cajoled back into the world with the correct use of fire and festive festoonery. Or we will be doomed by tradition to an entire year of utter darkness.

Icelandic Yule Cat Sees Old Sweaters Everywhere
Icelandic Yule Cat eats you if you wear an old sweater today.

Ordinarily I take this day to plead with survivors for a return to traditional Christmas decorations, ie: substantial, meaty and edible.  (Trim those trees with bacon if you know what’s good for you.) But more about that later. This year our longer days and the promise of summer is far from certain, threatened by other world events and reports from around the world.

Starting with Iceland. That crusty old Yule Cat is said to be particularly angry this year by a general dirth of new sweaters. Recall that Jólakötturinn, the Icelandic Yule Cat, attacks those who fail to don a brand new wool sweater today for yule, dragging them into darkness for crimes of fashion. Ordinarily Icelanders respond appropriately by knitting or at least buying, a brand new sweater to mark the date.

But owing to global circumstances this year, including the aggressive off-season activities of leprechauns, record numbers of people on earth will not be able to wear a new sweater on December 21. This does not bode well for our solstice survival!

Add to this, disturbing reports about the yule log. Authentic oak yule logs are being replaced in record numbers of homes this year by a flood of fake yule log videos on YouTube. The result of this massive digital experimentation has yet to be determined. Recall, an authentic yule log must be lit by a spark from last year’s log. How will this work with a video? Do you make a video of your old video?

Predictions from witches on this site are still coming in read about them here. So far she who goes by the name Bebe, predicts the artificial yule fires will be perfectly acceptable only as long as they are lit from a spark off the old log.

Are digital Yule Logs Safe? Effective?
Record numbers of digital yule logs this solstice

Meanwhile what’s a concerned survivor to do? Start by taking a page from the Oldentimers, who realized the value of effective festoonery. Those decorations are not just  festive, they are a traditional trap for dangerous spirits. You use it to lure the spirits of darkness indoors with a happy green tree decked with substantial edibles. This is very important. Traditional decorations included nuts, apples, muffins and long strips of bacon draped over the branches. In short, everything a spirit needs to stay warm and happy and out of trouble! Compare that to the Christmas trees of today. How many spirits will starve in those boughs, hung with glittering plastic balls and synthetic garlands? Do we really need to be reminded that any spirit with the MUNCHIES is a NASTY one? Take my word for it. Pop some damn corn, slap it on a string and get it up there *STAT!* You family is depending on you. Better yet, break out some bacon and drape it over the branches. That will keep them busy longer. Where do you think tinsel comes from anyway?

Xmas Bacon Baconsil

Apple Storm In Coventry – Witches Pelt Town With Apples, But Why?

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Apples rain on village Monday night
Mysterious apple storm, villagers fear witches at work

News from the ancient city of Coventry, Great Britain. At 6:45 pm on Monday, a storm of apples pelted the village of Coundon, turning roads – and possibly hearts – to fruity mush.

“The apples fell out of nowhere. They were small and green and hit the bonnet hard. Everyone had to stop their cars suddenly,” said one motorist traveling with her husband.

Even more mysterious, at the time the apples fell from the sky, it was pretty calm over Coventry, according to the BBC Weather Centre. The Met Office says there were no reports of tornadoes in the area, leading many to suspect the activity of witches or demons.

But aren’t beans the magical fruit? To find the core truth here, I asked Romanian White Witch Maria Campesina, a reluctant if semi-frequent contributer to SOS.

“Beans aren’t even a fruit,” writes Maria. “Apples have been the preferred fruit of enchanters, angels, faeries and demons since Adam and Eve. They are the fruit of heaven, longevity, love and immortality. Apples are used for love charms, for knowledge and for spells to reveal lovers. They are also a great source of fiber, although not as good as beans.”

But if this is a dramatic love charm gone awry, who is responsible? And who the intended target?

It’s too soon to prove conclusively, but early media reports seem to indicate the Meakins brothers, either Brian or Dave or possibly both, may have been the target of this fantastical fruiting. Normally a couple of curmudgeons, neighbors say the formerly mean old Meakin men have become surprisingly communicative and friendly ever since the fruit fell on them.

Consider this. Brian Meakins, 63, a forklift driver told everyone around that he was “stunned” when he opened his front door and found his garden full of smashed apples. “At first I assumed those rotten kids must have thrown them because we do get the occasional egg and apple thrown and normally I would hunt them all down and tan their hides but not this time. For some reason this time, I’m okay with it.”

Immediately following the attack, brother Dave Meakins who always kind of wanted to wear a gold earring in his left ear as an expression of his easy-going and open-minded nature but was afraid of what people would say, finally went out and got his ear pierced.

“I chose a gold hoop, you know, circle of life shape. What do you think?”

No witches have claimed credit yet but the neighborhood kids have expressed relief that grumpy old Mr. Meany-kins will finally have somebody else to chase after.

Meakins Men Targeted in Witch Fruiting?
Mr. Meakins: the Apple of a Witch's Eye?

Holiday Horror: Humanoid Cookies for Cannibals

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More holiday horror this week. Another disturbing new holiday trend has been brought to my attention by a survivor. Human-shaped cookie eaten by young cannibal.
Young cannibals celebrate holidays with human-shaped cookies.

Another disturbing holiday report this week, this time about a CANNIBALISTIC CHRISTMAS TRADITION spotted by a survivor who goes by the name RIP, who sent me the photo above and the email below:

Dear Seth:

Walking down the street today I spotted a little girl with a small, brown, human-shaped gingerbread cookie. Being small, brown and human-shaped myself, I was instantly terrified when the little girl placed the tiny gingerbread human in her mouth and bit down, right through his little human face and proceeded to masticate with terrifying loud and crumbly chews. This cannibalistic carnage would have continued on to the arms and legs of this diminutive humanoid, had I not rescued it by snatching it out of her hot little hands and fleeing the scene.  Seth, I’m sending this photo to you so you can alert the world on behalf of many small, brown human-shaped beings, these so-called cookies are hardly a harmless Christmas confection. They are nothing short of a gateway cookie to cannibalism. Think about it. The first time you eat one of these cannibalizing cookies, you’re a little reluctant to dig in. You look at it for a long time before nibbling on a toe maybe or a mitten. But then gradually overcome by the sugary, gingery goodness you keep going, eating your way to the torso and then you’re like, well a torso without arms and legs is not a lot of good and then pretty soon there’s nothing left but the tiny brown face. And by then you’re like, well, what good is a face without a body? So you do it, you eat your first little brown cookie face. So it progresses. Once you’ve eaten one little brown face, well, what’s a few more?  The next one gets easier and easier until pretty soon you have no more inhibitions about biting right into a human face, just like the little girl I saw today. Please warn the world!

Dangerous Holiday Zombie Gift Trend

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Dangerous Holiday Gift Trend
Severed zombie hands made into drinking cups

Zombie hands you can drink from violate basic standards for ZSE safety and good taste.

An alarming Survivor email this week  alerting the world to a dangerous new holiday trend – the processing of trafficked zombie body parts into horrifically unsafe albeit er, HANDY little holiday gifts.

Now anyone who has watched my zombie month videos knows that I am in no position to discourage the ordering of scientific zombie specimens from dubious providers.

Okay so I may have performed a somewhat risky autopsy on a zombie specimen and endangered the life and grades of my best friend Graham – but really who hasn’t? (If you haven’t seen it I invite you to please watch below.)

However, ordering a zombie specimen from a reputable laboratory to explore and promote basic rules of zombie survival is a far cry from trafficking in the grisly gift of undead dishes shown here in this gift-giving holiday guide. While it may seem entertaining or even cute to serve your holiday punch in the severed, hollowed-out ulna of an undead zombie, consider the consequences. Not only will your zombie-nog take on the taste and texture of putrified flesh, but you may well be toasting your last yule among the lively. Studies demonstrate zombie-infection can result from the ingestion of even a single zombie prion and it would take more than a thin coat of urethane to convince me these zombie trophies have been FDA approved.

Second and maybe more important, before giving the gift of goo this holiday consider this: RETALIATION. Not just from the growing horde of ultra-organized zombies like the Zombie Actors’ Guild or ZAG but retaliation of an even more horrific kind. I’m talking about your itchy bulky, ill-fitting sweaters. Your novelty santa undershorts. Your too-small sport socks.  Do you know how many men and boys are admitted to hospital every year with gangrenous feet caused by your retaliatory Hanukah socks? I’m saying DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START A GRISLY GIFT WAR? If not, then please, for your own safety, think before you wrap up one of these.

(BTW please help me continue to boycott ZOMBIESPECIMENS DOT COM. They are still so not the most reliable providers of zombie specimens on the Internet.)