Episode 2: Zombie Autopsy
Archives for October 2009
YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A DRACONIAN
Dragons are a very diverse bunch. Researchers around the world have tried to categorize them in many ways, for example by a) appearance i.e.: color blue, green gold; b) element ie: wood, fire, earth, metal, water; c) biology/physiology ie: winged vs not-winged, cold vs hot etc. For this reason, researchers today increasingly prefer the term “draconians,” rather than dragons.
Confounding everything is the little known but now indisputable fact that dragons are a kind of therianthrope, who can and do assume human form on occasion. Some say that dragons assume human form every 12 years to welcome the new dragons into the world, an auspicious event happening again in 2012. Others say they can assume human form at will.
In any case and every form however, dragons have some common characteristics that you may be able to exploit.
Take draconian measures of your own to survive!
1. Dragons love to talk. They’re very smart and they like to show it. Try asking them questions, particularly about history or geography. Anything to keep them talking as long as you can.
2. Dragons love treasure. Especially pearls and certain jewels (ty 2 Hannah for the correction). Ancient Chinese people used giant pearls on a stick to lure dragons to do their bidding.
3. Dragons love to sleep. Especially older dragons. They live on average 500 years but approximately 200 years of that time is spent sleeping, most of it in the last hundred years. If you can keep a Draconian talking long enough, eventually he will have to take a nap. At which point you must resist the urge to nap yourself and just GET AWAY.
Breaking Draconian News:
YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A CANNIBAL
1. Call him a big anthropofag. They hate that.
2. Offer her your cat food alien-bait. It’s like giving dishwater to a wine drinker. A cannibal may begin eating human flesh to avoid starvation, but continues to eat it because they actually love the taste of your human veal.
3. Whatever you do don’t just lounge there in the hot tub as the cannibals add sliced carrots and pepper…
1. Suck in your cheeks and stomach, try to look stringy and undelicious. Cannibals are actually quite picky and properly preparing human meat is a difficult task, so send not-worth-the-time signals.
2. Show her your medic alert jewelry. If you don’t have any medic alert jewelry yet, now is the time to invest. Think diffuse, blood-borne ailments like HIV and Hep C over isolated organ-specific ones – it does no good to spare your kidney if you’re not around to use it.
3. Take a shower immediately following strenuous activity. All that salt on your skin makes you smell like snack food.
4. FREAK OUT! With Cannibals you don’t have to hold back or be brave. In fact, it’s a proven survival strategy. Cannibals know that a protracted, adrenaline soaked, action movie-inspired chase and struggle will spoil the fine taste of your meat. So go ahead and FREAK OUT!
May 12, 2012: Recent evidence shows cannibals may have traded in their big iron pots and open fires for the food supplement business! Cannibal capsules were seized in Seoul, South Korea this week. Check out the news here. The good news here is that you may be able to temporarily calm a cannibal using Baby Aspirin.
First, the good news. Ghosts are not ALL malevolent, grudge-filled spirits of children who have suffered an untimely abuse-death.
The bad news? Some of them are.
Is your apparition one of those snarly spooks with a vengeful agenda? Or just a harmless haunter with some small unfinished business, like a half-eaten sandwich or a plant that needs watering?
Obviously you don’t need me to tell you how to know the difference. When your bathroom walls bleed and/or your closet growls at you, safe to say it’s a nasty ghosty – no further research required. Do NOT investigate! For the love of dog do NOT go down those stairs or up those stairs or through that door, into those trees or watch the DVD marked DO NOT WATCH. You get the picture.
Problem is, sending your spectral friend back into The Light, does require a bit of research. The key here is SAFE research:
1. If you’re already on speaking terms with your spook, try asking her very politely to spill her story. Then just listen helpfully. Never judge or minimize her eternal pain. Above all this means NOT trying to trump her tale of woe with a better one of your own, ie: no, “Oh that’s nothing, one time MY mom did this…” No matter how boring or convoluted her story gets.
2. If your ghost is less articulate, you will have to work a little harder. Start by researching your building, the builder, its former inhabitants, for example:
- Google your address for any mysterious news reports.
- Find the names of former inhabitants and search them.
- Contact your city or town for info about the property developer.
Talk to your neighbors; it’s possible that your ghost been contacting others. If so don’t be offended. While arguably it makes you a little less special, it could save your life one day. When these neighbors start disappearing, you know it’s Plan B-gone time!
3. Once you have a rough understanding of his ghostly agenda, propose some possible ways you can help him achieve lasting peace. This could be through the proper burial of his remains, the feeding of his beloved dogs, the prosecution of his earthly abuser or just the ultimate destruction of civilization as we know it.
4. When nothing else seems to work, you could be dealing with a ghost who is not vengeful or helpful or busy or reluctant but one who is simply lost. Understand, post-mortem eyesight is far less sensitive to light – an excellent adaptation for those glowy heavenly environs but an impediment to actually finding one’s way there.
This explains why they sometimes get trapped in artificial light sources like TVs and DVDs, computers and photo flashes. To prevent these luminous mistakes, try wrapping all distracting artificial light sources in your home with red caution tape and leave the window open. If your ghost needs better directions than that, try drawing a map with arrows on the wall to clearly indicate the direction and distance to the nearest heavenly light source.
5. If you have one of those ghosts trapped in an old mirror or another shiny old object, you need to follow safe disposal protocol. Call before you dig! If you don’t know a good ghostbuster in your neighbourhood, do your research! Some things have to be incinerated while others call for a midnight burial in a symbolic location. You can’t just put that haunted mirror in the dumpster!
If The Ghost is You…
First and foremost, don’t despair! Try thinking of yourself as not so much dead, but just corporeally challenged. Sure you may have trouble being seen and not heard, but think of all the perks. You can blink in and out of uncomfortable situations and even hunt down the person(s) who killed you and suck their souls into a secure container for all eternity.
Remember you can always practice incorporeality tricks like running cold water over your hands to re-manifest your old self. Just please, don’t douse yourself in sand or blood. I can’t stress this enough. Sure it’s dramatic, but there are better ways to wake up those phantom limbs. Practice in the mirror until you can manifest your body anywhere, without any external touch cues. Why do you think ghosts are always appearing in mirrors anyway?
One thing to be aware of however, there’s no such thing as a lazy ghost. Unfortunately, unlike vampires or immortals who can choose to loiter for all eternity, your ghosthood comes with a price, normally an important job or mission you will be forced to perform. You may be a banshee soul hunter or a reaper or just a generic grudge keeper but in any case, whatever you are, get ready for a busy and exciting afterlife!
YOU MAY BE DEALING WITH A HUMAN!!!
Humans may actually be the most dangerous of all the creatures identified by the Monstrometer.
Humans are a complicated, complicated, COMPLICATED bunch. If you had a nickel for every expert opinion on how to deal with them, you would be so rich that you would never have to deal with them. That’s how complicated humans can be. Even the most benign, garden variety human can be very hazardous to your health and safety at times.
So given that humans are not even my area of expertise – and besides this is kind of a conflict of interest here given that I am a human – what can I add to this research?
Maybe just this one general principle. Never show fear. Because chances are the human is afraid of you too. More afraid than you are. Humans are a notoriously fearful bunch. It’s not entirely our fault. We live short little life spans. We suffer from fang, fur and flight envy, not to mention pitifully limited sensory perceptions. As a result, most humans are painfully aware of their impending death and destruction and this fear is always just under the surface waiting to catch fire. So whatever else you do – and unfortunately I can’t tell you whatever else – but whatever else you do, don’t feed the fear fire. Never show fear.
************************************** IF THE HUMAN IS YOU! *****************************************
Just keep on keeping on!