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Hosted by renowned supernatural survivologist Seth Greening Seth On Survival is the blog, web series, and mobile app with the supernatural resources that you need to survive in these troubled times.

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Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Read more here: Zombie Attack!!!

Seth

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SOS Red Alert Mistletoe Drone Attacks

Missile-toe Drone Self Defense

By Baldur, just when you thought you had all your seasonal survival bases covered, from that tactically tacky sweater to ward off the dread Yule Cat to a traditional tasty tree to deal with supernaturally sad spirits, some saucy cyborg corp has to go and put the missile back into mistletoe.

Mistletoe Attack Alert

Mistletoe Attack Alert

Don’t be caught on the wrong end of this sticky payload. Prepare for attack from above.

What are you droning on about today, you ask? Exactly! I say. Drones. Drones armed with mistletoe that’s what. Survivors of a vicious mistletoe attack in San Francisco are sounding the alarm. A diner at TGI Fridays in San Francisco barely managed to escape with her face after a sneak attack by a drone like this one->>.

Like a “huge bug,” the drone attacked Georgine Benvenuto during dinner, sunk its hooks into her face and proceeded to try and reel her in.

SOS readers know well the true menace of mistletoe  The parasitic plant has been historically used as a deadly weapon by everyone from demigods to angry forest spirits, witches to cupids.

A now in cyborg warfare. Even your old mistletoe survival rules won’t help you this year. So let’s test a few new ones:

1. Jam The Signal

If you have a signal jammer app, make sure you have it handy. If you don’t have one yet, I would suggest downloading one before leaving the house for a bite. Or anything else.

Then be sure you have enough power to leave the app open and running throughout the entire meal or you may not like the dessert.

2. Wear a Hat

I’m not a fan of the tinfoil lid purely on the grounds of vanity but you could do worse when the mistletoe machine arrives at your table with its poison payload.

This year though I’m going for wool. Knit wool with metallic thread will provide more than just good insulation and prophylactic protection, I hope it will ensnare and short the hovering drone.

3. Keep Your Food Covered At All Times

I recommend ordering a takeaway container even if you plan to sit and eat. Then open the lid only wide enough to extract your next bite. This protects you and your food from any mistletoe fallout. Not to mention your fries from your girlfriend.

But seriously, you know what happens when mistletoe lands right? If not please review. You don’t want it to land on you.

4. Look for the Driver

Just who or what is driving that droid? If you can locate the force behind the attack all you have to do is take them down… then you can finish your dessert in peace.

Of course it’s one thing if the driver is some minimum wager with a joystick hired by TGI Fridays to stir things up, quite another to find yourself facing Amazon or Google. So whatever you do, don’t order ice cream.

5. Pre-emeptive Kiss

Now I know this is controversial. A lot of dangerous bacterial transfers can be attributed to this activity. You could end up a zombie or worse… dating you ex. Nonetheless it remains true that sharing a pre-emptive kiss with somebody close to you will abort a mistletoe attack.

So don’t wait for the drone at your dome, just pucker up and plant one on somebody close. Preferably somebody you like. Just make sure they aren’t chewing anything you don’t.

➥ And be sure to keep on keeping on with the latest survivor reports unfolding here on the pages of SOS.  You won’t be disappointed. For the sake of survival not to mention the first documented use of the word BALORFING alone, it’s worth it…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Krampus Komming Tonight!

Krampusnacht Survival 

Are you ready to face Krampus? The most feared Christmas cryptid comes armed with birch whips and bathtubs to drag you down the nearest hellevator shaft tonight. So unless you’ve confirmed your name on the official not-naughty list, read on.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!

Krampus comes tonight!

Mark it on your survival calendar, for the next two nights Krampuses will break their chains to roam free on the streets, armed with birch whips and bags – or believe it or not bathtubs –  on their backs to drag down the naughty.

So unless you’ve been 100% not-naughty – and who among us can claim that? -  don’t be caught unawares! Prepare your anti-Krampus kit, stat!

A brief review for those not in the know. Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches. Others that he – or she – is the leader of a certain coven of nasty witches who rule the darkest hours of the year.

Whatever his taxonomy, defending against Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat… but seriously don’t forget to do that either… that Icelandic Yule Cat is coming too…

Complicated but luckily not impossible if you like me, have prepared your Krampusnacht Survival Kit.

Krampusnacht Survival Kit

1. Letter of Good Service from St. Nick

It’s not foolproof but if you have one handy, a letter of service from St. Nicholas will stop any Krampus in his tracks. The letter should highlight a few of the not-naughtiest deeds you performed this year.

But you say, Seth, I don’t have such a letter! Don’t despair. Even if you didn’t have the foresight to request one from St. Nick in advance, you can still prepare one in time. In fact, tonight it’s easier than any time of the year, with many St. Nick emergency certification services online waiting to sign your reprieve.

Of course to use these services you’ll need to prepare you own letter, truthfully outlining your outstanding moments from the past year and send it in for St. Nick certification. Beat the rush! Aim for at least three examples of exemplary behaviour and send yours in immediately. Even the naughtiest among us can find at least three magic moments of good enoughness in any given year.

If not, well, then, you’ll probably enjoy your time hanging with the Krampii anyway.

2. Pack a Pistol of Distilled Spirit Water

Get out that water gun – or better yet cannon – and fill it full of spirit water, preferably one that is fruit based.

Different than holy water, spirit water comes from many sources. Now some supernatural survivalists will try to tell you the best source is a certain glacier or spring in a far flung place but when it comes to old Krampus, the easiest and cheapest way is to just make your own spirit water. Mash a rotten fruit into some dilute rubbing alcohol and fill your cannon. Then stand back and aim carefully because each hit will send up a tower of flames.

And don’t be fooled by anyone who tells you schnapps is is the best ammo. This is a rumour from the Krampus PR team who know how much their client loves a tasty alcoholic shot in the mouth. Sure it’s effective stopping a Krampus in his tracks, but it’s expensive and when it runs out you’re still in trouble. So take it from me, save your pennies and raid the back of the fridge for a fermenting fruit instead.

3. Carol That Krampus, Quick!

There’s a reason in the season for those obsequious carols playing all around you. That’s right, those traditional songs have the power to keep traditional spirits like Krampus at bay.

While the number one anti-Krampus carol remains unknown at this time, I do know this much. Any old stand-by delivered full force, preferably by more than one singer and ideally more than a little off-key can cripple a Krampus temporarily at least. Long enough for you to get away.

In many countries of the world, Krampus cards were issued to remind you of the right words to sing but today you’ll have to rely on your own devices. So think of the most annoying Christmas carol you know and download it before you hit the road tonight!

Then be sure to keep on keeping on Survivors, because in our darkest hour, survival is ultimately a supernatural business.

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Cyborg Rescue Pets - Should You Adopt?

 PROS AND CONS OF ADOPTING A CYBORG CHEETAH

As Cyber Monday brings annual reports on the global adoption of cyborg rescue animals, one cyborg pet rescuer urges you to stop and think before adopting one of the new cyborg cheetahs from your local cyborg pet shelter.

Cyborg Pet Rescue reports record numbers of cyborg cheetahs with broken limbs but before you offer to rescue one, read on…

Before adopting a cyborg cheetah

Should you adopt a cyborg cheetah?

 

“It used to be people came here for a cyborg puppy who wouldn’t shed on the couch and wound up taking home a Bigdog that ate the toaster before running away,” said Kevin Kim, Regional Director of Cyborg Pet Rescue. “Now everyone wants one of the new cyborg cheetahs from MIT, we have a lot more to worry about more than just cold bread and street dogs.”

After hearing about my ongoing Kaiju Pet Rescue campaign, Mr. Kim asked SOS to educate Cyber Monday survivors about the global adoption of cyborg pets in general and the new cyborg cheetahs in particular. And while I love cyborg pets as much the next survivor, after speaking to Kevin I had to agree. So without further ado:

Five Facts to Consider Before Adopting a Cyborg Cheetah

1. Cheetahs Hunt in Groups

Think you got just one metal kitty who won’t need a litter box? Think again. When you adopt a cyborg cheetah, you could be getting a whole pack. Male cheetahs prefer to live and hunt in packs.

Programmers at MIT claim to have accounted for this in their code but do you really want to risk a pack of wild cyborg cheetahs coming for your throat while you sleep?

2. Cheetahs Run Really Fast

Like up to 70 miles an hour fast when they are attacking their prey. Cheetahs are the world’s fastest animal. We’ve all seen that guy with the leash hanging out his car window but what’s he going to do now when little Cheetzie locks on a raccoon and decides to go grab a snack?

Before you tell me MIT programmers report that their cheetahs only do about 30 mph, ask yourself this –how fast can run? Unless you’re sprinter Usain Bolt you might want to go for that robot fish. Even if you’re Usain Bolt in fact, since the new robot cheetahs are technically faster than him.

3. Cheetahs Need A Lot of Open Space

Cheetahs evolved on the Savannah, crouching in the grass to hide from their prey so how is your new cyborg cheetah going to take to your living room? If you’re planning to just unplug his power and put him in the closet between runs think again. MIT is always investigating innovative power options, from solar power to motion and even methane so unless you and your family plan to stop farting in the future, powering down your cheetah may not be possible.

4. Cyborg Cheetahs Break Legs

The new cyborg cheetah legs are made of carbon fibre and foam that is reinforced with Kevlar but the MIT lab team reports dozens of them breaking.

Of course MIT says it’s no problem, that you can just use your 3-D printer to make a new leg for your cyborg cheetah.

“If that’s true, why is our suddenly so full of limping cybercats?” said Kevin King. “Either people don’t have the patience to properly program their printers or there’s something wrong with the recipe here.”

Clearly if you don’t have a reliable 3-D printer and/or the patience to deal with an injured cyborg cat moping around your home, once again, I recommend the robot fish.

5. Cyborg Cheetahs Are X-Box Hogs

The new MIT cyborg cheetahs are programmed for Xbox but disgruntled owners report that once you plug them in all they want to do is play Plants vs Zombies. So if you thought it was supernaturally sucky when Fluffy attacked your cables, imagine how much worse this big cat can do to your electronics. If you ever want to see your COD game again, let alone your basement, one last time, may I suggest the fish?

Notwithstanding everything I have truly reported 99,97%, feel free to make your own choice survivors. Whatever it takes for you to keep on keeping on out there.

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Anti-Vampire Party Planning - The Monstrometer Report

VAMPIRE PROOF YOUR PARTY BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Whether you’re planning to attend a Halloween party later tonight, or planning one yourself, take a minute - actually 1.5 minutes – to watch this before you unlock the door to an unwanted guest of the undead kind! Your survival is guaranteed 99.93%*

*Some restrictions apply. Please read fine print below.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on. More Monstrometer Reports to come…

*Offer not valid for employees, family and friends of Seth on Survival. Void on Friday the 13th, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, Black Noodle Day, Cinco de Mayo, Valentines Day, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, Buddhist Festival of the Tooth, Christmas, April Fools Day, Solstice, Equinox, Thanksgiving, Sinter Klaas Day, Ninja Day, Talk Like A Pirate Day, Chanukah…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Survivor of the Month Returns With Super Moon and New Video

With another super moon on the wane, its official SOS appears to have super survived the dread Dog Days once again.

Who will it be?

Who will it be?

If you’re reading this then you have likely super survived with us and if so then congratulations.

Now survival is its own reward, I always sometimes say, it’s all you really need to keep on keeping on – but I’m happy to report this full moon has also brought a new  Survivor of the Month and would you believe it? A new Monstromter Report.

Look for more news about that here tonight by midnight EST.

(-ish. I’m still uploading…)

Thanks to everyone who super survives supernaturally here at SOS.

Long may you keep on keeping on.

Seth

Who is the New Survivor of the Month? 3 Super Clues

The new SoTM is…

1. Human. But for how long?

2. An expert in kinds of transformation dust if not where to locate them.

In particular once served up a valuable warning about the dangers of Star Dust which I found especially helpful. 

3. Best friends with a draconian with sapphire blue scales.

Enough clues for some to guess already, I think. If not, stay tuned with me while I upload a Monstrometer Video on a completely unrelated but still very important issue…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Monstrometer Report: Kaiju and You

Should you adopt a Kaiju for a pet? Like me, you have likely been considering the question since science broke the news last week about the giant rats taking over the world, one island at a time. But please before you decide, watch the latest Monstrometer Report. The SPCA and I both thank you in advance.

If you haven’t been informed about the rats going Kaiju, you can  read about it here:  http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-news/return-giant-rats-get-ready )
Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS and the Monstrometer Reports. Get ready for an important Survivor of the Month announcement.
Seth
Mothra is almost like a bee..

Mothra is almost like a bee..

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Introducing The Monstrometer Report

Hail Survivors,

I’m happy to announce on this fine full moon the survival of the first video in my new series, The Monstrometer Report,  a show that covers the supernatural survival news and views unfolding here on the site and around the world.

In this one, the burning question that should be on your mind anytime a fireball falls to Earth or even when you take out the trash: Am I living In An alien zoo? And if so, what to do?

Do you live in an alien zoo?

Do you live in an alien zoo?

 

Thanks to everyone for helping SOS keep on keeping on and especially for helping out with the site so I could make the new videos. You know who you are: Survivors of the Month, Hall of Famers and everyone who continues to share their supernatural advice and experiences here at SOS.  Long may you keep on keeping on, supernaturally.

 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

What's New in Monstrometer 3.0

Hail Survivors!

The new long-awaited update to the Monstrometer is finally here.  See below for a tease of the new features.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on!

Seth

Get it on the App Store! https://itunes.apple.com/app/monstrometer/id335896676

New features and a redesigned interface to help you keep on keeping on.
Now a universal app for iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch – Optimized for 4″ tall iPhone screens, 3.5″ iPhone screens and iPad.
Updated for iOS7 (also supports iOS 6 and iOS 5) – (if you have iOS 3 or iOS 4 you can still download version 2.2)
Retina Display support with higher resolution graphics throughout.

A nearly 0.01% increase in scan sensitivity.
Now over 12.8% more accurate diagnosis
30+ new interrogation questions
Easier access to stats, monsters and links.
Easy access to all SOS supernatural survival resources (web site, videos, ebooks, apps and supernatural survival diagnostic tools).

New Lunar Phase tracker to help you survive

Watch HD videos from within the app!

Modernized code for improved performance, compatibility and stability.

Monstrometer3-Home

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by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Star or Angel On Which Will You Wish?

O Wishful Night

As the Geminids light up the night sky this week, you like me may be preparing your wish for what is arguably the wishfullest night of the wish calendar year –  December 24.

Will you wish on a star or an angel this Christmas Eve?

Get Your One Wish Ready

(And no I’m not talking about Santa Claus. Not after that nasty letter he sent me about our Krampusnacht coverage here on SOS. That guy is on my naughty list, let me tell you.)

No I’m writing about that most ancient secret of Christmas Eve, when survivors of yore would remember to tuck one wish for the coming year at the very top of the tree to see it come to light with the returning sun. That’s because a true tree wish given to your angel or star by midnight on Christmas has special powers.

If this is not among your supernatural seasonal survival tactics yet, read on and learn.

5 Tips To Make Your Tree Wish True

1. Prepare Your Tree

If you haven’t already set your seasonal tree using the SOS tried and true tips for dark season decorating, you need to get popping! As every survivor knows, your tree is the key to surviving the season with dark spirits.

I would advise you to follow the link above for a quick review but in case your finger is broken here’s the highlights – a true survivor’s tree needs to feed the spirits of the season. Altho some people go for garlands of gumballs and colorful suckers, as everyone knows I’m an advocate for more hale and hearty spirit munchies like popcorn and marshmallow strings, traditional Christmas baconsil and the occasional hanging apple or muffin. (Just don’t drape your bacon directly over the lights or things could get drippy and your spirits smelly. Smelly spirits are not nice.)

And whatever you choose, don’t skimp on the stuff. You need enough in your tree to keep the spirits up – high up – in the branches, not roaming hungrily around your home.

2. A Traditional Tree Topper

Now I’m not going to wade into the angel or star? debate.  In my book, either will work. The important factor for a true tree wish tradition is to ensure that whatever symbol you place at the top of your tree, it needs to have a hiding place inside it. That’s where the wishes go by midnight Christmas Eve, tucked inside the hidden hollow.

3. Prepare Your Wish

Trickier than it sounds. Unlike a wish fountain you can’t just toss in your lucky coin and look for a collecting leprechaun to (maybe!) honor the deal. But you also don’t need an entire wishing team like for falling stars, so that’s good news. But your wish does need to be written by hand,  by you, the wisher, on a scrap of paper or paper like substance, just big enough to fit in the handy hole in the base of your ornamental star or angel.

That’s the easy part. The hard part is choosing your wish. That’s right one wish and one wish only for the coming year. A true wish.  An important wish. Not the kind you entrust to Santa’s wish machine but the kind of wish that will help you and yours to survive and thrive in the year ahead.

So choose your wish carefully and write it down.

4. Wishing Deadline is Midnight

Wishes must be delivered to the top of the tree by midnight, Christmas Eve in your time zone. There is no known exception to this rule, short of hopping on a plane and travelling halfway around the world or backward in time.

So don’t wait, get your wish done early and on top of your tree well before the clock strikes midnight. You may need help getting it up there so make sure if you’re using a ladder that you have a reliable ladder holder. Falling off a ladder to place your wish can quickly cancel the positive effect of wishing  – not to mention the black cat threat from below which I won’t even go into today.

5. Look For The First Light

When you wake on Christmas morning, if you can tear your eyes away from the bounty beneath your tree – or the lumps of coal as the case may be – look for the first rays of the new sun to touch the top of your tree for a sign.

What will you see? What kind of sign, you ask?

Unfortunately that remains unknown. Some say your angel will stir and come to life long enough to hand off your wish to a messenger of the light. Others say the star will shine blindingly bright for a brief moment and send it up in a burst of stardust. Me, I’m not sure on account of my love of sleeping in late – which is also an important survival skill.

All I know for sure is this. In 364 days when you look back on the year that was and think about your true tree wish, you will find that it did indeed come through for you. Maybe not exactly the way that you thought it would, but close enough to be true.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Supernatural Seasonal Gift Shopping? How About A Haunted Sword

You still shopping for a perfect seasonal gift for that special supernatural someone in your life? Look no further than Craigslist where this bewitching grandma is looking to unload her haunted sword.

Grandma selling haunted sword from the 1700s.

Grandma selling haunted sword from the 1700s.

The sword auction creating a supernatural storm appeared on Craigslist last week. The grandmother in question states that she purchased the haunted sword from a suspicious antiques dealer in the southern U.S. back in 1984 and now wishes to part ways with it.

But bidders beware – the curse on this sword remains largely unexplained. The details of the auction ad, which you can find here, mention only vaguely that the owner’s life has, “descended into chaos,” since the sword’s arrival in her home.

The sword is reportedly scaring her knitting group and knocking crucifixes off her walls with alarming regularity.

“My knitting group came over and they all said they could feel a strange energy in my sword room,” she writes. “I cannot have this cursed item in my house anymore.”

That said, the current owner was well aware that she was buying a bewitched blade.

“The person who sold it to me told me to be careful because there is a 90+% chance that it is cursed,” she says.

But bidders beware. Even if you, like me, are always on the hunt for a sword of power, the true nature of the curse on this sword remains unknown.

Think about it. Should you really trust an old woman who meets with a so-called knitting group in a sword room? Who boasts owning over 100 swords? What kind of knitters are these anyway? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess there are exactly 13 of them and they meet only on Fridays in the dead of the night…

“This is my only haunted sword,” the little old lady protests in her ad. But SOS readers who observe the net bag of garlic hanging beside her door will no doubt remain supernaturally suspicious.

Judging from the photo, the sword does not confer immortality – or at least not eternal youth, but could this woman be an immortal hunter? Specifically, the leader of a vampire-hunting coven?

With the darkest hours almost upon us again, the restless spirits of the season are ready to roam free. Even bidding on this sword could be hazardous to your health. And if you intend to wrap this up and put it beneath your tree, you’ll need more than a cheery yule log and a string of spirit popcorn to deal with the consequences on December 22. The dread Yule Cat will be the least of your worries.

Me, I think I’ll just keep looking beneath the birch trees for my immortal sword instead.

Alternately, you could check out another supernatural auction going on right here on the pages of SOS. Sword of Longinus anyone? 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Orlando Grinch Denies Grinchscaping Gig

The Case of the Grinchscaping Goons

Hang onto you holiday tree, the season of the Grinch is officially underway, with new reports of missing trees and mistletoe already but one unusually gregarious Grinch from Orlando is denying his guilt — only to point one long green finger at an unexpected suspect.

Sasquatches deny his claims.

Sasquatches deny Orlando Grinch’s claims.

SOS readers will recall how the grinchmas gang upped their game in 2013, going after holiday trees en masse with vans and trucks in place of sacks and sleighs, long before Christmas Eve.

After a lengthy police investigation resulted in no arrests of any Grinches, SOS aka: me, Seth of sethonsurvival, the seventh most popular and first most reliable supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs, has decided to take on the case in 2014 and save Christmas for all…

I’ve always wanted to save Christmas for all. Even for the majority of the globe who don’t officially celebrate it. Nay, especially for them. Because who knows when they might want to give it a try? And really how hard could it be?

All I had to do was track down one of the Grinches and interrogate him using my secret survivological interview techniques to elicit a confession.

With that in mind I headed to Orlando last week, home of one of the worlds most gregarious Grinches. Yes that’s right, the one who has turned turned his green infamy into green cash with his grinchy sideshow. Now locating this grinch and getting him to talk to me was the easy part but getting him to tell the truth? Not as easy, as you will see below.

Interrogation of A Grinch

Me: So you call yourself the Orlando Grinch…

O.G.: No no no. The Grinch. I call myself The Grinch. The one and only. You can call me Mr. The Grinch.

Me: Let me get this straight. You claim to have carried off the Great Grinchmas Tree Heist of 2013 all by yourself? Who drove and unloaded all the vans for you?

O.G.: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: I think you do Sir. The vans were clearly marked GLOBAL GRINCHSCAPING INC.

O.G. I am on record clearly stating that I do not, nor have I ever, engaged in grinchscaping. Have you listened to my interview on the topic?

Me: Oh yeah, I heard your puff piece of personal propaganda, but I’m not talking about your personal grooming habits Sir. I’m talking about the fact that you and your gang no longer have the gall to wait for Christmas Eve to start stealing the season. What happened to you Orlando, you all get too fat for the Chimblies? Or is this a new level of Grinchy greed?

O.G.: Are you calling me fat?

Me: Well yeah but more than that, I’m calling you greedy. You and all the other grinches going global with your operation.

O.G.: That’s absurd. As previously stated, there are no other grinches but me. I am the One True Grinch.

Me: Suit yourself. Then you’ll take the rap for the whole gang and spend the rest of your days in an Antarctic block of ice. This is your last chance to sing before this blog post gets ways too long and I take this recording to the police…

O.G.: Wait, wait. Maybe I do know something about the crime in question… but you’re talking to the wrong guy here.

Me: Is that so?

O.G.: Of course. You really think I would risk my Orlando operation for a small time tree reclamation project? Think about it. Who has the most to gain from taking back the trees before there’s even any presents underneath them?

Me: Why don’t you enlighten me.

O.G.: Think about it. You should be talking to one of my cousins.

Me: Your cousins?

O.G.: Sasquatch? Hello? You don’t think it bothers them, this whole tree business? Sure it doesn’t stop them chowing down on the roast beast like everybody else, but they’ve been griping about it for years. They rely on those trees you know, for landmarks and shelter , not to mention toothpicks. And we all know about their urban delivery service. See they already have the infrastructure.

Me: So you claim that sasquatches are framing the grinches? That’s absurd. Even if I accept that sasquatch is related to you, how long would it take for a Sasquatch to dye all of his fur green? By the time he got finished, he would have to start over.

O.G.: We’re done here. Talk to Sasquatch. I want my lawyer.

 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Black Friday Zombie Survival - Report From the Mallocapylpse

TOP 3 BFZ SURVIVAL TIPS

Black Friday isn’t over yet and mallocapylyptic reports are mounting around the globe. If you haven’t barricaded yourself in the basement with some leftover bird, take a minute to review your Black Friday Zombie (BFZ) survival skills. Remember these three tips today and in the seasonal shopping crush to come survivors, and your Black Friday survival is virtually guaranteed, 99.98%.

Black Friday Zombies

Black Friday Zombies

Often referred to as a BFZ or a Mally, the Black Friday Zombie is a unique strain of zombie, characterized by a tendency to move as a single-minded horde. It is this tendency which sets them apart from other zombies.

Now I know all zombies have a tendency to group but this is normally a function of numbers and random clotting that can arise from the simple-minded pursuit of fresh brains within a given space.

What makes the BFZ move as one of a mindless horde is still largely unstudied but most scientists suspect the effect of certain seasonal media signals on the virus could be causing otherwise bumbling brain-brunchers to go mad with a single purpose. Understanding this movement can make dealing with a Mally both easier in some ways and harder in others.

1. Bright Lights and Melodious Sound

Not unlike moths at night, the BFZ is uniquely prone to patterns of light and sound. This tendency gives rise to many myths about zombies in general but use this to your advantage today by equipping a lightweight, LED weapon and a noise making device like a bell or kazoo to lure the horde to an strategic location.

Note on bagpipes: Only work on Scottish BFZs.

2. Strategic Location

Obviously I don’t have to remind you to know your local mall here and to work with the geography you have. Luckily most malls have a water attraction or similar art installation that can at least provide you with a height advantage over the advancing horde. Wade to the middle of that fountain and/or climb up on the reindeer’s back. If the Christmas tree is up already, consider climbing that. Just make sure it has a secure base first.

3. Buy Time With Boxes

Another particular quirk of the BFZ – boxes. Like leprechauns with a shoe or a cat with a ball of catnip, the BFZ is easily distracted by a simple box.  It won’t stop them forever but a well-aimed spray of empty boxes at a BFZ horde should distract them long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

Of course if you don’t have a humane box cannon, or an ornate Christmas display at your mall you will have to equip these yourself. Shoe boxes in particular are very effective if unwieldy. Smaller, more colourful boxes are more practical both for equipping and aiming but are admittedly more expensive. Of course if you’ve staked out the mall tree or Santa’s sleigh as your home base, you may find a cache of ready ammo ready for you. Not to mention that sleigh may in fact be mobile and you could ride it right out the door.

That’s all for today Survivors. Keep on keeping on in this dark holiday season and be sure to do your Christmas zombie review before it’s too late.

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Eternal Sword Mystery in Siberia

Did Mysterious Medieval Sword Loss Make Ivan Terrible?

An eternal sword found buried beneath a tree of life in Russia hacks headlines this week as the researcher who discovered it claims this sword could be the stolen blade that helped make the Russian Tsar, Ivan the Onion Breath, so very Terrible.

Epic sword found buried under birch tree.

Epic sword found buried under birch tree.

The mysterious medieval sword was discovered buried at the base of a birch tree known in Russia as a tree of life by researchers who said it was so incredibly well-preserved that it sparkled.

“I was scared to raise it from the ground,” said Russian researcher Vyacheslav Molodin who helped uncover the sword. “I slowly twisted it, noting sparkles of silver on the guard and blade. It was so well-preserved you could in fact use it in battle almost straight away.”

The sword bears a clear inscription in Latin devoting it to God and the Eternal. But to whom did it belong?

Having raised the sword himself and survived, Mr. Molodin now devotes his life to solving the matter and this week he put forth a new theory –>> this is the sword of Ivan the Terrible himself, taken from his armoury by one of his own knights.

Widely regarded as one of the most ruthless leaders in history, Mr. The Terrible was the orphan who loved killing people and onions. Two facts that until today have been widely reported and linked. In fact he loved onions so much he made churches have onion tops after declaring himself the first Tsar of Russia in the 16th Century. And he loved killing people so much that among thousands of others at the end of his life he inexplicably killed his own favourite son, possibly with this very sword. But was it really just too many onions that mad him mad at the end of his life? Or something more?

“While onions are notably hardy and good for you, people who eat too many of them may become foul-breathed and bad-tempered,” states a warning from the Ontario Onion Council. “Excessive onion eaters are 50X more likely to kill their own heirs than any other vegetable eating demographic.”

But if Mr. Molodin’s theory is true, Ivan’s terrible temper may have been less about the onions and more about the loss of his epic weapon. Did Ivan kill to get it back? Did the ruler really give the blade to his favourite knight or did he suspect his own son of taking it without permission? If so or not, how does it then wind up buried for centuries at the base of a tree known as a Tree of Life?

Mr. Molodin says we can’t be sure if the blade was buried intentionally or just dropped here in the heat of battle but those who are more prone to burying relics at the bases of trees of life have a more elaborate theory.

“Clearly the sword was stolen from Ivan and buried here to await a more worthy wielder. I suspect this made old onion-breath mad enough he started killing everyone to find it,” stated one such relic burier.

While the mystery continues and we await Mr. Molodin’s definitive findings, survivors are advised to look hard beneath any trees of life for any telltale signs there may be an eternal blade buried beneath it. Also to watch Mr. Molodin’s Facebook page for any telltale signs of aging, madness or killing sprees that could indicate he may be joining the ranks of magic-mad immortals. 

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

NEW PROOF FROM 67P COMETS ALIEN SPACECRAFT

Lander Reports Comet 67P Sings, Smells Just Like a Bus

Is 67p a smelly interstellar transit vehicle?

Is 67p a smelly interstellar transit vehicle?

Survivors have been monitoring this one for years here on SOS but thanks to data from Philae Lander on Comet 67P, new clues confirm the truth that many comets are actually part of a massive interstellar space transit system maintained by aliens with advanced technology and a lazy janitorial staff.

Data from the lander has revealed that Comet 64P emits a strange singing signal and an even stranger smell of rotten eggs, urine, alcohol, and vinegar, smells typically associated by humans with poorly sanitized mass transit vehicles.

“Yeah that pretty much describes the smell on this bus,” said bus driver Edna Smith, hiding her suspiciously cold coffee flask. “I keep telling them to fire that cleaner but they just banned egg sandwiches instead.”

The outgassing smell from Comet 67-PEE was reportedly so bad that Philae Lander passed out and fell over last week. A charge that has offended many aliens hiding among us.

“You Earthlings always going on about smelly aliens when you can’t even go a three hours without a toilet, let alone cross an entire galaxy. Just try floating through the Milky Way and see how long you can hold it.”

As for the strange singing sound, Philae reported that Comet 67P emits a strange, song-like clicking noise just below the range of human hearing, a sound that has been described as a form of intelligent communication that may have actually been first detected almost 20 years ago.

According to alien watcher Scott Waring of UFO Sightings Daily, an anonymous email from a space agency whistle blower claims they knew about the signal two decades ago and that it is in fact the real reason behind the whole mission to Comet 67P.

‘Do not think for one moment that a space agency would suddenly decide to spend billions of dollars to build and send a spacecraft on a 12-year journey to simply take some close-up images of a randomly-picked-out comet floating in space.”

While most comets follow a predictable orbit, according to Waring’s whistle blower the singing, smelly comet 64/P has been observed to changing course, a behaviour that indicates route changes according to a changing delivery and drop schedule demanded by paying customers.

While the Internet continues to study Philae images for signs of machine-like parts on Comet 67P, none of this will come as a surprise to SOS readers. It does point to the need for extreme survivological caution if you have any interstellar transit plans for the coming holidays. No amount of hand sanitizer can protect you from the range of alien pathogens likely present on this ship. So pack a good space suit and consider wearing it throughout the whole trip. Or at least the gloves and good face mask.  And whatever you do, don’t bring egg salad.

Long may you keep on keeping on. Click here for past info about alien interstellar transit. 

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Time Travel Tips How to Speak Stone Age

Ever been trapped in the wrong époque following a terrifying time travel debacle? Say you appeared wrapped in a toga with a skin of chocolate milk on the Savannah when what you really needed was a loincloth pelt and a good club?

Tips for Talking to the Stone Aged

Tips for Talking to the Stone Aged From Scientists

You’re not alone. Time travel accidents are a common occurrence, especially during the dark season when our urge to wander grows strong, so here on SOS we try to arm you with the info you need to survive awkward temporal situations like this.

Luckily, science has contributed a breakthrough in Stone-Age linguistics this week. That’s right, a dictionary for Stone-Age communication.  Today we present to you a four talking points:

TOP 4 STONE AGE TALKING TIPS

1. WHICH WAY HOME?

They had a limited vocabulary, so you don’t want to waste time on small talk with a Stone Ager. Get right to the point and ask the DAM way home.

No I’m not swearing. (Science has yet to decode the Stone-Age swear dictionary past, “AAAAARGH.” “DAM” just means home. Try that. Of course, you may end up at his home but hey, you might also score a hot pot of shrunk-head stew.

2. HEY CAN I BORROW YOUR HORSE?

There’s plenty of evidence the Stone Agers kept horses. For a quick getaway, you might need to borrow one. The term,”AK-WOS” means horse to a Stone-Ager. Be careful how you say it though because scientists say that, “WOS” means animal in general. If you leave off the “AK,” you could end up with a bear or a sabre-tooth tiger. And although that might be cool, it won’t help you ride to your render-vous point.

3. GOT ANYTHING TO EAT, DRINK?

Of course if you’re stuck out there a while, sooner or later you’re going to need a snack and these two words could save your life. “PEL” means a skin, which combined with the action of drinking, could score you a slug of something. I’m not going to guarantee water or that you’ll like what you get but you should get something. For food try, “PA.” That’s right the earliest word for father could also be used to refer to food.

Of course “PA” also meant father so it could create some confusion. Like you could be telling your new Stone Age pal that you’re their dad. Which might come in handy too and could theoretically be true.

4. GOT A LIGHT?

The nights get cold out there and you’ll need to keep wild animals away, so knowing the word for light could save your life. If your flinting skills are not up to snuff, try asking for a light with the word, “BHAL.” Technically you are asking for the blazing sunlight here but with an appropriate gesture it should get your point across.

Other words meant light too, like “LUH” which as you can guess meant the full moon and then there’s “DIW” which meant daylight but start with “BHAL” and see how it goes.

Good luck out there time travellers. And remember, if you are of the ilk that uses chocolate milk to down the time travel fatigue, you’ll still need to bring your own as Stone Agers were not known to herd brown cows.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com