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Welcome to Seth On Survival – The online home of Supernatural Survival

Hosted by renowned supernatural survivologist Seth Greening Seth On Survival is the blog, web series, and mobile app with the supernatural resources that you need to survive in these troubled times.

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Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Read more here: Zombie Attack!!!

Seth

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Shapeshifter DNA Study Moves Myths

Shapeshifter Scientists Strike Gold in Study

Ever been sidelined by a shapeshifter and asked yourself, how the heck…?

You’re not alone. And it’s not your fault. Therianthropic research to date has been shifty at best, misleading at worst and all we could say for sure about this particular species of supernatural being is well, good luck.

Thankfully a little good news this week. Researchers discovered the tiny gold particles that assemble into crystalline structures when you add DNA to the solution that surrounds them and reshape themselves in response to light.

“This is a massive shift in our understanding of these slippery superstars,” says Professor Dominic Von Buren.

Shapeshifter scientist chemist Chad Mirkin and colleagues at

Shapeshifters so not blue,

Shapeshifters so not blue, new research shows.

Northwestern University, Evanston, in Illinois. Mirkin coated gold nanoparticles with DNA to make “hairpins,” single strands of DNA in which the end is sticky ie: will bind to another nanoparticle.

They further report seeing these different sticky pins form 10 different crystals and create more than 500 different forms.

But Seth how will this help me survive an encounter with a shapeshiftsr? you ask.

Well it won’t, is my short answer. But this research solves some of the mystery surrounding the shapeshifter and their environment. In short, it does provide you with some useful intel that will help you spot the shapeshifter lurking in your lair before they spot you?

Is there a shapeshifter lurking in your lair?

  1. Yes. Probably. 

This DNA research makes it more likely than ever to find a shapeshifter impersonating a seemingly innocent, everyday object in your home. So keep a careful inventory of everything in your HQ. Especially everything made of metal, glass or stone. If you can’t remember buying that gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight that’s probably because it’s not a real gold Egyptian mummy cat paperweight. It’s a merciless shapeshifter waiting for their moment to attack.

Either that or it’s a carelessly planted Area 51 bug. Either way, get rid of it.

2. What’s that sparkly stuff on the floor? 

Here’s what it’s not – a vampire. We all know that by now. This research confirms this as a sign of a shapeshifter. First things first. They are NOT blue in their base form. That’s only in the comics. They are crystalline. Secondly, shifters have trouble maintaining their combined forms for very long so they tend to leave a trail of sticky crystal crumbs as clues in their wake.  And it’s not like they clean up after themselves. How do you suppose scientist got their DNA in the first place?

Look on the bright side, maybe it’s real diamonds. Pick them up and pawn them after the shapeshifter is done crystallizing you.

3. Why is my hand stuck to the wall? 

Probably because it’s not your wall anymore it’s a shapeshifter impersonating your wall and that’s what you get for leaving bare concrete in your bunker.

The bad news here is you’re stuck now prepare to fight. The good news is you can largely prevent this with a bit of paint. The palette of pigments in a complex pattern of good paint will make it harder for a shifter to get it right, thus buying you valuable time to get away. So don’t wait – decorate your bunker. It seems frivolous but it could save your life. 

4. Shapeshifters need light.

This research proves what we’ve long suspected, namely that shapeshifters require light to potentiate their shifty powers.  So cut the lights the second you suspect a shifter has infiltrated and access your ninja training to fight.

Of course this won’t help if it is a ninja and not a shapeshifter at all. For which scenario please see the SOS survival guarantee.

Well that’s all for now Survivors. It’s not everything, I know. But it’s not nothing. And it might just help you survive in this world full of supernatural chaos. 

So long may we keep on keeping on.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

We're Not Aliens! Octopi Deny DNA Results

Octopi to genome scientists, we’re really just average Earthlings!

Undersea and under siege from science, octopi are up in arms – all 8 of them! – to deny new DNA science about their alien origins.

“We’re really just average earthlings like the rest of you,” insists Dr. C. Thulu, exhalted emperor of the UAUF (Undersea Aliens United Front). “Just a little more complex.”

Dr. Thulu Exhalted Emporer the Underseas Aliens United

Dr. Thulu Exhalted Emporer the Underseas Aliens United

But researchers from the University of Chicago who found a new map of the octopus genetic code insist it is so strange that it may be alien in origin. Their DNA sequence of the first whole cephalopod genome sequence shows that octopi are more complex than other earthlings, including humans.

Not only that but the octopus DNA is highly rearranged – like cards shuffled and reshuffled in a pack – containing numerous so-called “jumping genes” that can leap around the genome.

“The octopus appears to be utterly different from all other animals, even other molluscs, with its eight prehensile arms, its large brain and its clever problem-solving abilities,” said US researcher Dr Clifton Ragsdale, from the University of Chicago.

“Our paper describes the first sequenced genome from an alien.”

Now the meralien octopi are fighting back.

“So we’re smarter than the rest of you, more adaptable and we have a few more arms than average, does that make us so strange?” says Dr. Thulu. “What next, Earthlings? Make us build a wall?”

“Go ahead. I dare you. We’ve already started one.”

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Anti-Vampire Party Planning - The Monstrometer Report

VAMPIRE PROOF YOUR PARTY BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Whether you’re planning to attend a Halloween party later tonight, or planning one yourself, take a minute – actually 1.5 minutes – to watch this before you unlock the door to an unwanted guest of the undead kind! Your survival is guaranteed 99.93%*

*Some restrictions apply. Please read fine print below.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on. More Monstrometer Reports to come…

*Offer not valid for employees, family and friends of Seth on Survival. Void on Friday the 13th, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, Black Noodle Day, Cinco de Mayo, Valentines Day, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, Buddhist Festival of the Tooth, Christmas, April Fools Day, Solstice, Equinox, Thanksgiving, Sinter Klaas Day, Ninja Day, Talk Like A Pirate Day, Chanukah…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

SOS Doppelgänger Day Danger Deja You

WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN WHEN THE DOUBLE DAY DAWNS

Whether you call them clones, evil twins or something more gangsta like doppelganger, this is the day to avoid – or do I mean face? them. Doppleganger Day is the result of a rigorous scientific calculation to determine the day of most double danger for you.  So don’t be caught on clone feet by your double dude. Be on the lookout for others who look too much like you today.*

*WARNING: REQUIRES YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK!

While this sounds self-evident ~ easier said than done. How much do you really see yourself in that mirror afterall? I’m not just being philosophical here. That spinach between my teeth in my third video should be proof enough but did you ever show baby photos and ask a friend guess which one is you and wonder why they couldn’t?

Exactly! So today of all days, get a good hard look at yourself before you go out and stumble on your deja you.

Why? Because no matter what your doppelganger dogma, the copy around clones colliding on this day is never calming. Consider the following four fortunes:

1. One of You Must Die 

EvilTwin-sm

It goes like this. When you meet your Other, one of you must die, right there, on the spot. Without further ado, a doppleganger duel to the death must ensue, following the rules of the road. No extraneous conversation outside cap-worthy comments about how alike you really are or that you could have been friends…

2.You Will Die In 48 hours

(Full Disclosure: my personal belief.)

On the Day of the Doppleganger, any physical contact between doubles will result in a slow 48- hour death for the one whose world in which the encounter took place ie: this one.

That’s right certain death within 48 hours. “Certain,” that is unless… Unless what? Well that depends on the situation. But should you find yourself facing a 48-hours unless-death, you might want to spend the next 48 hours trying to figure that out.

On the bright side there usually IS one unless… 

Unless there isn’t.

3. Your Entire World Will End

We’re talking not just dead here. We’re talking erased from existence and all memory. So how does anyone even know about this happens? Just trust me. It’s a fact. And a nasty one at that.

4. You Go For Coffee With Someone Almost As Fascinating As You. 

Oh it sounds like a great outcome, I know. And if your doppleganger diary runs this way then lucky for you. But don’t blame me if it reads like mine….

...then he wouldn’t stop talking… and talking and talking, not even when I started pointing to my imaginary watch then signing up at FakeAngryGirlfriendTexts.com. Dude just loves to hear the sound of his own voice. I know, I know it IS a great voice….

So please Survivors, tomorrow more than ever, watch the spehelling on the site. And if you’re wondering WHY be sure and check out this helpy survival video on this timely topic here.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Monstrometer Report: Kaiju and You

Should you adopt a Kaiju for a pet? Like me, you have likely been considering the question since science broke the news last week about the giant rats taking over the world, one island at a time. But please before you decide, watch the latest Monstrometer Report. The SPCA and I both thank you in advance.

If you haven’t been informed about the rats going Kaiju, you can  read about it here:  http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-news/return-giant-rats-get-ready )
Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS and the Monstrometer Reports. Get ready for an important Survivor of the Month announcement.
Seth
Mothra is almost like a bee..

Mothra is almost like a bee..

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Introducing The Monstrometer Report

Hail Survivors,

I’m happy to announce on this fine full moon the survival of the first video in my new series, The Monstrometer Report,  a show that covers the supernatural survival news and views unfolding here on the site and around the world.

In this one, the burning question that should be on your mind anytime a fireball falls to Earth or even when you take out the trash: Am I living In An alien zoo? And if so, what to do?

Do you live in an alien zoo?

Do you live in an alien zoo?

 

Thanks to everyone for helping SOS keep on keeping on and especially for helping out with the site so I could make the new videos. You know who you are: Survivors of the Month, Hall of Famers and everyone who continues to share their supernatural advice and experiences here at SOS.  Long may you keep on keeping on, supernaturally.

 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

What's New in Monstrometer 3.0

Hail Survivors!

The new long-awaited update to the Monstrometer is finally here.  See below for a tease of the new features.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on!

Seth

Get it on the App Store! https://itunes.apple.com/app/monstrometer/id335896676

New features and a redesigned interface to help you keep on keeping on.
Now a universal app for iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch – Optimized for 4″ tall iPhone screens, 3.5″ iPhone screens and iPad.
Updated for iOS7 (also supports iOS 6 and iOS 5) – (if you have iOS 3 or iOS 4 you can still download version 2.2)
Retina Display support with higher resolution graphics throughout.

A nearly 0.01% increase in scan sensitivity.
Now over 12.8% more accurate diagnosis
30+ new interrogation questions
Easier access to stats, monsters and links.
Easy access to all SOS supernatural survival resources (web site, videos, ebooks, apps and supernatural survival diagnostic tools).

New Lunar Phase tracker to help you survive

Watch HD videos from within the app!

Modernized code for improved performance, compatibility and stability.

Monstrometer3-Home

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by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Groundhog Day Survival Theory 101

Don’t be trapped on repeat in your most boring day. 

Heads up survivors it’s Groundhog Day. Does today look suspiciously exactly like yesterday to you? You, like me and many survivors today could be trapped in your most boring day, unwitting victims of the Curse of the Goundhog.

Don’t Look at the G-hog!  A Time Traveler Trick or Witches At Work?

Now my life is one of alternating extreme boredom and terrifying chaos, so I normally stay safe in my bed on Groundhog Day with the shutters drawn, until well after the G-hogs have come and gone. When Punxatawny Phil comes out, I go underground! For me, it’s the safest bet. Just think of your most boring day. Would you want to repeat this day again and again and again until you succeed in learning some valuable life lesson?

Even worse – think of MY most boring day. Night watch on a love struck vampire, who just stares at his GF all night long without moving. Or a day long interview with a dessicated old-school zombie and a translator. Or worst of all, waiting for a human to find correct change to tip me on a 12-inch garlic sausage pie. These are not days that I want to repeat even once, let alone over and over again and again.

But something has happened today I woke up and it looked suspiciously like the one before. In short, I smell a G-hog curse. But how? How did it get me this year?

Consider two current schools of thought about the origin of the Groundhog Day Curse and decide for yourself.

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #1:

Some survivologists claim the Groundhog Day curse is the work of a witch, who either assumes groundhog form on this day or who has made a familiar of Punxsatawney Phil. Either way, the bewitched Groundhog picks those in need of a life lesson, cursing  them with a single beam of light from his eyes to a fate worse than death – to relive their most boring day, until the victim can discern and pass a goodness test of the witch’s devising.

Certainly there is some evidence to support this position. Witches are famous for issuing lessons in this fun and fatal way. And while it’s not common for a witch to have a rodent familiar – it’s certainly not impossible. They tend to stick with small, furry beings.

But consider the other point of view…

Groundhog Day Curse Theory #2

Some researchers believe that Groundhogs are actually a super-advanced Time Travelling species. That G-hogs live in a network of burrows connected by worm holes, jumping back and forth through time at will, unobtrusively taking notes about the world. This explains why they are so tired all the time. Time lag makes them grumpy. So when humans decided to start dragging them out for entertainment on this day, the grumpy groundhogs decided to have some fun of their own. Hence every groundhog in every town picks one human for time sport, sending them into a time loop to learn some important life lessons, primarily to be nicer to small time-travelling creatures.

What Does Groundhog Day Researcher Harold Ramis Say?

To answer this question definitively, we might turn to the survivological source, the writer/producer of that groundbreaking Groundhog Day 1993 documentary,  Mr. Harold Ramis himself.

Well you might, but you wouldn’t get an answer. Because if you asked Mr. Ramis, you would be sorely disappointed.  Mr. Ramis has publicly stated that he will never reveal the truth as he understands it. That he deliberately made a decision to hide the true source of the curse. No matter how many times you watch and re-watch his documentary. Why Mr. Ramis? Is the truth too terrifying to tell?, the origin of the truth is never revealed.

Until Mr. Ramis corrects the record, we can only speculate about the true answer and hope for the best.

Now if I can find a way to get out of this day I could tell you what I learned…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Angels On a Plane Get The Facts Before They Get You

aster Ohm Mahamontra is listed as one of Thailand’s 10 best fortune tellers. The holy man performs mystical ceremonies and blesses various mystery objects for his 350,000 followers, who are mostly of Chinese… 
Bangkok Post

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

ET Phone Home

Lost and Found: Ancient Cell Phone But Does It Belong to An Alien? 

Aliens and time travellers rush to claim this ancient cell phone allegedly unearthed in Austria by archaeologists this week but none yet know the correct cuneiform number to claim it.

The cellphone allegedly appeared in Fuschl am See, in Salzburg, Austria. Researchers who unearthed the mysterious artefact date it to the thirteenth century, long before the appearance of cell phones on earth.

Did an alien lose this phone?

Did an alien lose this phone?

But is this really the lost phone of an alien visitor to earth some 800 years ago? Or the misplaced device belonging to a time traveller?

Disagreeable experts disagree.

“Earthlings had just invented the printing press and the closest thing to a phone they would know was a carrier pigeon for like the next 700 years,” sniffed Professor Van Buren. “There is no evidence of any time traveller trapped in this era searching to find or re-invent a lost device like this one.

Besides which, everyone knows technology like this can’t cross temporal barriers,” he added before going on to recall many reports of poorly equipped alien tourists wandering around wanting to phone home.

“Case closed, I say clearly an alien phone not a time traveller’s.”

Whether you are a time traveller or an alien yourself, if you know anyone missing their ancient cell phone, please contact the site immediately. But claimers take note: to prove ownership of the device you must know the correct number in cuneiform so look very closely at the keys first!

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Be Yule Sweater Armour Ready Top Tips From A Yule Cat Survivor

Sweet sweater armour tips from real Yule Cat survivor Shawn 

SOS on Seasonal Survival, a reminder from Yule Cat survivor Shawn here, prepare to face the next holiday horror, that feline demon, the dread Icelandic Yule Cat.

Luckily old Jólakötturinn is just the third toughest seasonal spirit you will need to fight after Krampus and the Grinch himself, but take it from Shawn here who has personally survived several encounters  with the dread demon cat, there remains a right way and a wrong one to prevent him eating your eyeballs. And it all boils down to effective armour.

Yule Cat survivor Shawn has Yule Sweater Ready

Yule Cat survivor Shawn has Yule Sweater Ready

Quick review if you haven’t faced him – or her –  yet. Jólakötturinn the Yule Cat is a lesser demon who stalks the earth this time of year, ready to attack old sweaters and gouge out the eyeballs of the beings who don them on or before December 22.

“Take it from me, your sweater is your armour,” says Shawn. “And when it comes to this crusty Christmas cat, the uglier the sweater, the better your armour.”

Shawn, who has faced the feline demon multiple times and survived 98% intact explains the reason for the ugly season.

“Remember this is a demon cat, a kitten in fact with demonic kitty-like love for pom-poms and goo-gaws, decals and puffy parts,” Shawn explains.

“When Jólakötturinn sees your shiny wreathes and woo-wahs he will be distracted long enough for you to protect your eyes and win the fight if not to escape.”

“Also in hand-to-claw combat the Yule Cat gets hopelessly tangled up in the Christmassy crap on your crewneck, making him relatively easy to bag and tag.

Just rip off the sweater and roll it up with the Christmas cat contained inside it.”

“And remember to protect your eyes. No sweater can protect your eyes,” he adds. “Unless you have sweater-goggles. In which case can you email a pair of them to me while I still have one left?”

Take it from Shawn here, get your sweater armour ready, long before December 22. The ugly Christmas sweater is not just a seasonal joke, it’s yet another shining example of an ancient seasonal tradition steeped in survival in an Instagram world. Take it seriously and you too will survive another Christmas season.

Go here for more seasonal survival tips.

 

 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Don't Let Dark Spirits Cramp-us Your Christmas Style

Five Supernaturally Simple Dos to Keep Away the Krampii  

Sure, defending against dark spirits like Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat but it’s not as hard as Hollywood makes it out to be and you probably don’t need any heavy artillery.

(Unless we’re talking Mallie zombies here… in which case you might want some heavy artillery.)

No, all you really need are few sound seasonal supernatural survivological principles like the following:

Anti-krampus cookie by Odinn

Anti-Krampus cookie by Odinn

1.  Do bake some cookies

Sure you could just buy some and yes they would be cheaper but their manufactured uniformity and scary ingredients list also appeals to the darkest spirits. 

Even your crumbliest anti-Krampus cookie or your burntest bundt, buche or brownie is more spiritually effective. Some recent survivilogical research suggests its the smell of the baking process itself that keeps the good spirits happy and the Krampus away. So don’t wait, fire up your oven today. 

2. Do keep the Yule fire or light burning.

Whether its the lights on your tree, the log in your grate or the candles in your menorah  the lights of the season are an essential part of guiding good spirits to your home who will keep the dark ones like Krampus at bay.

(The other essential factor?  Review the SOS guide to seasonal survival, decorating for self-defense. In a word, it’s all about the baconD…)

3. Do remain mindful of all your old toys before moving on to the new.

Neglecting old toys is a a supernaturally bad idea. In the icy claws of a bad spirit like Krampus, old toys become a supernaturally good weapon or juju prop. It’s all about showing care and gratitude. So before demanding anything new this year, review the old with gratitude and find a good home for anything you don’t want anymore. 

4. Do remember the true spirit of season.

Here’s a hint – it’s about self-sacrifice and giving to others. Yes it’s a cliche but it’s also basic supernatural survivological self-defense. Geneticists still aren’t sure why or how yet but we do know now that practice this spiritual truth will survive the darkest hours while those who don’t… don’t. 

So don’t give any Krampuses – Krampii? –  a  hairy cloven hoof in the door of your spiritual wheelhouse. This season focus on what you can do for others.

5. Do keep that Krampus gift. 

Some say it will be a lump of coal, others that it will be a bell signed by the dark lord himself. Whatever it is, when you unwrap this strange gift you will know you survived an encounter with evil and likely saved someone you love – but just by the skin of your teeth. So keep the gift as a reminder to keep making the supernatural effort to keep your spiritual self-defenses up all year around.

Need more SOS seasonal supernatural self-defense? Find some here.

 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

When Krampus Komes Will You Survive or Be Dragged Down?

Dos and Don’ts For Krampus Survival

Krampus, the second most feared spirit of the season is officially on the loose tonight and sure to be roaming a street near you. Don’t be dragged to the depths of despair by this creepy Christmas cryptid, read and prepare your survival plan today.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!

Krampus comes tonight!

Krampusnacht, December 6 marks the start of Krampus’ killer season as official enforcer of the naughty list.

He comes armed with birch whips and chains for sure, and possibly killer cookies and elves, to drag you adn the ones you love most down the depths of the nearest hellevator shaft or portal.

But don’t despair. Armed with SOS handy list of Dos and Donts, you too can cramp Krampus’ killer style.

Tonight we start with the DON’T list

DON’T:

1. Don’t talk trash about Santa Claus. 

Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick and enforcer, some say his older uncle, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious seaonalus,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches.

2. Don’t complain about the food.

Nobody cares if you hate your aunt Greely gross fruit cake suck it up and smile. Otherwise you risk raising the ire of the Spirit of the Season that bring Krampus down on your Christmas.

3. Don’t peek at your gifts

A little shake and sniff is far enough don’t even think about peeling a corner of that paper. Think nobody would notice? Think again. He sees you when you’re sleeping… you really think he’ll overlook this one?

4. Don’t bite the head of that gingerbread! 

For Christmas sake, start with a hand or a foot, at least until you are certain it doesn’t move or talk. That said, collecting only the heads is equally creepy so… use some discretion here. If there’s a polite way to consume the face of a vaguely human-shaped cookie, I urge you to find it before Krampus and his killer cookies find you first.

5. Don’t ditch your family.

You might want to hang with your friends but now is not the time. No, the spirits of the season demand you spend it en familia, soaking in some wise elder ways… or else… Would it kill you to hear Bubbies’s Hanukkah story one more time? No? Then listen up and learn it because the alternative just might.

And now you know what NOT to do. Stay tuned tomorrow night when we do the DOs. Until then, you would do well to review the intel on that other nasty spirit, the Icelandic Yule Cat and his cousin the GRINCH.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Krampus Komming Tonight!

Krampusnacht Survival 

Are you ready to face Krampus? The most feared Christmas cryptid comes armed with birch whips and bathtubs to drag you down the nearest hellevator shaft tonight. So unless you’ve confirmed your name on the official not-naughty list, read on.

An SOS red and green alert.

Cramps comes tonight!

Krampus comes tonight!

Mark it on your survival calendar, for the next two nights Krampuses will break their chains to roam free on the streets, armed with birch whips and bags – or believe it or not bathtubs –  on their backs to drag down the naughty.

So unless you’ve been 100% not-naughty – and who among us can claim that? –  don’t be caught unawares! Prepare your anti-Krampus kit, stat!

A brief review for those not in the know. Old Krampus is St. Nick’s sidekick, the original keeper of the naughty list. A demonic dude of the genus gargoylious,  some say Krampus is the progenitor of all grinches. Others that he – or she – is the leader of a certain coven of nasty witches who rule the darkest hours of the year.

Whatever his taxonomy, defending against Krampus is a little more complicated than swapping your sweater to foil that crazy Icelandic Yule Cat… but seriously don’t forget to do that either… that Icelandic Yule Cat is coming too…

Complicated but luckily not impossible if you like me, have prepared your Krampusnacht Survival Kit.

Krampusnacht Survival Kit

1. Letter of Good Service from St. Nick

It’s not foolproof but if you have one handy, a letter of service from St. Nicholas will stop any Krampus in his tracks. The letter should highlight a few of the not-naughtiest deeds you performed this year.

But you say, Seth, I don’t have such a letter! Don’t despair. Even if you didn’t have the foresight to request one from St. Nick in advance, you can still prepare one in time. In fact, tonight it’s easier than any time of the year, with many St. Nick emergency certification services online waiting to sign your reprieve.

Of course to use these services you’ll need to prepare you own letter, truthfully outlining your outstanding moments from the past year and send it in for St. Nick certification. Beat the rush! Aim for at least three examples of exemplary behaviour and send yours in immediately. Even the naughtiest among us can find at least three magic moments of good enoughness in any given year.

If not, well, then, you’ll probably enjoy your time hanging with the Krampii anyway.

2. Pack a Pistol of Distilled Spirit Water

Get out that water gun – or better yet cannon – and fill it full of spirit water, preferably one that is fruit based.

Different than holy water, spirit water comes from many sources. Now some supernatural survivalists will try to tell you the best source is a certain glacier or spring in a far flung place but when it comes to old Krampus, the easiest and cheapest way is to just make your own spirit water. Mash a rotten fruit into some dilute rubbing alcohol and fill your cannon. Then stand back and aim carefully because each hit will send up a tower of flames.

And don’t be fooled by anyone who tells you schnapps is is the best ammo. This is a rumour from the Krampus PR team who know how much their client loves a tasty alcoholic shot in the mouth. Sure it’s effective stopping a Krampus in his tracks, but it’s expensive and when it runs out you’re still in trouble. So take it from me, save your pennies and raid the back of the fridge for a fermenting fruit instead.

3. Carol That Krampus, Quick!

There’s a reason in the season for those obsequious carols playing all around you. That’s right, those traditional songs have the power to keep traditional spirits like Krampus at bay.

While the number one anti-Krampus carol remains unknown at this time, I do know this much. Any old stand-by delivered full force, preferably by more than one singer and ideally more than a little off-key can cripple a Krampus temporarily at least. Long enough for you to get away.

In many countries of the world, Krampus cards were issued to remind you of the right words to sing but today you’ll have to rely on your own devices. So think of the most annoying Christmas carol you know and download it before you hit the road tonight!

Then be sure to keep on keeping on Survivors, because in our darkest hour, survival is ultimately a supernatural business.

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

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by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com