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Hosted by renowned supernatural survivologist Seth Greening Seth On Survival is the blog, web series, and mobile app with the supernatural resources that you need to survive in these troubled times.
I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.
If you’re still around, congratulations on making it through another week. It looks like a week of werewolves, demigods and demons at SOS. I’ll try to explain it all with links and questions here as I catch up.
*Goddess of Fategraces the site with a message. Could this be good news for our intrepid group of demigods looking for the real Camp Halfblood? Will she help them find the real Camp Halfblood, avoid Hades and solve the mystery of the prophetic rock star?
* Read Goddess of Fate’s advice to Jack here… Will they find the gas station before it disappears? Anyone see a silver gas station? What if they don’t have any drachmas? Where do you get drachmas these days anyway?
*Demigod Connorthinks survivor Jack may be a descendant of either Atlas, Poseidon or Oceanus but the Goddess of Fate suggests Gaiea. What do you think?What do I think? I’m still thinking. If Gaiea punishes the Goddess maybe she was right…
Ooze news from China this week, an alien ooze has made its first slimy slink on the surface of the Earth, breaking through the asphalt right in the middle of the road.
Alien ooze appears in China on Monday
Sources say this freaky ovular foam osmoted up from a crack in the middle of the road Monday night in the city of Nanjing, China.
Within a short time, the foamy foe had spread to 50 meters and stood a foot high, easily swallowing at least one biker before oozing its osmotic retreat when police arrived.
Not since the deadly desert purple globule crisis of 2012, has an alien ooze made such news.
Nobody knows from whence this ooze hath come nor to wherece it might be going. So how will you survive should it ooze up from a street near youz?
SOS contacted esteemed Chinese oozologist Dr. P. Ooz for his super-ooze survival observations and suggestions in the case of the China ooze.
“My suggestions should be thought of more as hard and fast guidelines, not rules, at least until more is known about the alien being in question, ” writes Dr. P.Ooz in the preface to his opinion.
Dr. P. Oooz’s Hard and Fast Guidelines for Super-Ooze Survival
1. Judging by its pale complexion and the fact this alien would choose to ooze at night, we can infer the being is photo-phobic. Carry a reliable, portable light source with you at all time. Indeed your camera flash may be sufficient as this is the only known image of the ooze on record, we can conclude the flashing lights from the cameras and the police cars scared it away.
2. The ovular formation of the ooze leads me to believe this alien may in fact be female, an oocytic ooze, probably searching for a suitable egg repository. Observe in the photo, to whom has she chosen to reveal herself? Gentlemen, ask yourself, am I presenting as an overly attractive alien oocyte repository? Cover up! No open toe sandals like the guy in this photo. Put on a hat – or at least a good pair of headphones. Something that covers your inner ears. And don’t even think about relieving yourself outside unless you want to father an entirely new alien race here on earth.
3. Stay on the bike! Judging by the empty e-bike in the photo, our oozy friend went for the rider, not the hardware. How long can you balance on your pedals without putting your foot down? I suggest that you practice.
3. Whatever you do, don’t touch it, feed it, attempt to brush your teeth with it or bathe your newborn baby in it. Sure it might seem like a good idea at the time, economical and entertaining but consider the case of the lady who collected the purple desert globs for her baby’s bath, only to discover too late she had a giant purple people eating baby on her hands…
Lady learns the hard way – don’t bathe your baby in oozes.
Well it’s Mummy Day again, when mere mummies around the globe are released from their slavery to the gods to roam free on the surface for 24 hours.
Mummy Day can be dangerous for everyone.
Yes, Mummy Day, the most dangerous day of the year, after the Winter Solstice and Kiss A Zombie Day in February and Easter of course, that one can be hard… a few others too. But Mummy Day is right up there, make no mistake.
If you’re a mummy, well then Happy Mummy Day to you, please enjoy your day of freedom from the demands of the underworld. However, if like me, you are NOT a mummy please read on, as dealing with mummies on this day can be tricky.
If you still believe like I once did, that mummies are just a kind of zombie in bandages – think again! Sure some of them groan and shamble in similar fashion, and yeah they are both prone to decay, but please be aware under those layers of neglect is a cursing magical being with a hidden eternal grudge against both gods and earthlings.
So how will you survive as the mummies roam free today? Try the following tips, or share your own. Mummy Day Survival is everyone’s job today.
Top Five Mummy Day Survival Tips
Find a good book, preferably the Book of the Dead but other books will do in a pinch. Mummies just like it when you read to them. If you read the right passage, your mummy may go right back to sleep.
Find your mummy’s canopic jars. Every mummy has at least four of them somewhere, you just have to help find them. These jars contain your mummy’s lungs, liver, intestines and stomach. Understandably, mummies get very distressed at the thought of losing their internal organs and this sometimes leads to them trying to rip out yours. So just ask your mummy outright, “Could you be upset because you lost your embalmed liver last night?
Locate your mummy’s liver and protect your own!
Helping a mummy locate a missing liver is the best way to prevent the ripping out of yours.
Mummies, like zombies, are prone to decay. That is why they wear the bandages.Don’t get me wrong, I’m not retracting my previous statement about mummies and zombies. But they are prone to decay, that’s just a fact.So, today try helping your mummy deal with that decay. May I suggest a sturdy linen scarf or shroud or a formaldehyde facial at a spa that specializes in caring for your mummy.
Brush up on your Egyptian, both written and spoken. Personally I only know one command that in my research is proven effective. In the case of a rampaging mummy, you take a piece of rope and throw it in the air and shout the word, “TAS” and the rope will wrap itself around the mummy like a snake. If you have more time than that, make a mummy trap with you four strings, shoe laces or whatever in the shape of the following hieroglyphs. Any mummy who steps on these hieroglyphs it is said will be safely entangled forever.
A sophisticated hieroglypic trap
Visit to the underworld. It’s a last ditch move, I don’t recommend it since you might never return and all but sometimes there’s no other way to deal with an out-of-control mummy but an unscheduled trip to the Underworld to plead your case with the gods there. Review your underworld safety tips and find a portal or an elevator near you!
If you’re a survivor living north of the 46th parallel or planning a trip thereabouts you should know that it’s an especially dangerous time of the year.
Spring.
Thawing zombie spotted by Austri Mina
While the sun may be shining longer (creating less of a deadly window for vampires and other nocturnal monsters) and the trees may be flowering (some with incredibly useful occult herbs and reagents!) all this nice, warm weather is bringing out more than just dirty hippies playing hacky-sack.
The northern zombie hordes, colloquially known sometimes as “melties” are thawing out.
That’s right, survivors. If you’ve fled north to get away from an encroaching itinerant zombie horde, you’re in for a spring surprise if you live anywhere south of Iqaluit. All those masses of decaying, shambling corpses you so craftily avoided during the winter because they froze solid are now defrosting and are yet again becoming an active threat.
But! Fear not, Northern Survivors! With these simple Zombie Survival Tips you’ll make it through this sunshiney, terrible time of year.
TIP #1: Watch Your Step!
Zombies, just like humans, will lose their balance and fall over when frozen solid. Odds are the zombie won’t be standing up! This means that several embarrassed zombies are probably face down in the mud, hidden by tall grass. They may or may not be able to correct this situation and could remain mired in the muck until August if you don’t disrupt them. So, remember, always watch your step, and if you hear the sound of ice crunching, make sure that there isn’t any zombieflesh under it!
TIP #2: Use Your Nose!
Zombies smell. This is a well-known fact. So keep your nose prepared! If you get the whiff of decay on the air, take that as a signal that there may be heretofore undiscovered ghouls nearby. On a similar note for the later summer months, if you’re in an urban center, make sure to train yourself to know the difference between regular stinking summer-in-the-city garbage smell and the awful, gut-turning smell of the undead. They’re pretty similar.
TIP #3: Pace Yourself!
Zombies are usually slow, but after several months of being frozen, those grossified kneecaps are even more shamble-y! You probably don’t have to run to get away – take your time to remember tip #1 and watch your step while evading recently unthawed zombies!
Of course, these tips only apply to avoiding frozen zombies that have been reanimated via magical or demonic means. If you’ve got a zombie horde that’s been re-animated by some kind of horrifying super-scientific black-ops chemical reagent or trioxin, you probably have nothing to worry about. As the undead flesh constantly freezes during the night and partially thaws during sunny winter days, the water in the zombie’s cells slowly evaporates, making them unable to function even in their undead state.
Essentially, freeze burn sets in and the zombie’s body is slowly destroyed! Good for you! You’ve avoided the undead menace! With science!
Of course, I’ve received unsubstantiated reports that certain extra-governmental agencies such as Area 51 have stepped up their game when it comes to Cold Weather Weaponized Zombie research. It’s possible that if the zombie was artificially able to create “glycoprotein,” a natural anti-freeze, they may be able to remain functional in sub-zero temperatures!
The cannibal carnival continues as colonist Geoffrey Portway was sentenced to 27 years in prison today for trying to order a kid for delivery dinner online from another man in Massachusetts.
Colonists survived with a little helping of this Jamestown Jane Doe
Thiscannibal news comes just days after scientists confirmed the settlers of Jamestown survived their first winter in America with the help of – er rather, a generoushelping of – a 14 year-old Jane Doe whose tender young face has been replicated now using computer technology —>>>
Of course, the Jamestown colonists were starving and under siege and although they ate juicy Jane Doe there’s no evidence they killed her with the intention to eat her while the Massachusetts cannibal colonist planned his feast as casually as a man punching in a pizza pie, at home on his computer.
In fact, colonist Geoffrey Portway came to Massachusetts all the way from Britain with the intent of pursuing his cannibal lifestyle with the support of a local man named Michael Arnett who claimed he could supply all his friend’s cannibal needs.
Survivors, the geography here is impossible to ignore. As I’m sure you know, Massachusetts is just up the road from Jamestown and the site of the second American colony. What is going on here? Are these isolated incidents separated by time and space or is there a dangerous culture of kid cannibalism surviving on America’s east coast at these first settlement sites?
Until more is known, younger and more tenderer beings everywhere would be well advised to maintain a stained yellow-teeth alert for the presence of cannibals at all times. Unless you want a cool computer model of your mug to go viral in 400 years like Jamestown Jane Doe above, review your cannibal safety knowledge:
TOP FIVE CANNIBAL SAFETY TIPS
Check everyone for pointy teeth. We’re not talking about vampire fangs here. Cannibals sharpen ALL their teeth to a fine point with sticks and rocks.
Look scrawny and un-tasty. Clean up any unlucky barbecue sauce or ketchup spills on your shirt or hands immediately before somebody near you gets the wrong idea.
Make and wear your own medic alert jewelry. Don’t be satisfied with run-of-the-mill maladies like diabetes or malaria, go for the really disgusting ones like, bubonic plague or ebola and write it in big, easy to read letters on your bracelet or necklace.
Before you agree to dinner with anyone, ask to see the kitchen. See any mighty meat hooks or sturdy chains hanging from the ceiling? That’s a telltale sign you should decline!
Utensil tells! Cannibals almost never know how to use a spoon! Further, their traditional forks are much pointier than normal, reference the artist rendering below:
Run if You See Traditional Cannibal Forks In Your Friend’s Kitchen
The day you and I have waited for is finally here. Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is now available for iPhone and iPod Touch (also iPad).
Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is an interactive ebook detailing the adventures of survivor Archie Hartigan.
From Seth On Survival comes a new adventure with video annotation by Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening!
Archie Hartigan was the foremost authority on Supernatural Suvivology in his hometown, until an encounter with a real-life werewolf turns him into the one thing he hates the most – a monster! As Archie is thrust into a world of ancient secret societies, high-functioning zombies and horrors from beyond the veil of time and space, he learns that just because you’re a monster doesn’t mean you can’t also be a hero.
Requirements: This version of Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf requires iBooks 1.3.1 or later and iOS 4.3.3 or later. Can only be viewed using iBooks on an iPad, iPhone (3G or later), or iPod touch (2nd generation or later).
In the news this week, another werewolf made good made bad made another werewolf story, as Liverpool striker Luis Suarez totally wolfs out in the heat of a football game, biting Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic mid-game to confirm his suspected werewolf status and earn a 10-game suspension.
Lupine Luis Bites Ivanovic
Ivanovic, who was immediately treated by trainers with colloidal silver solution, surprised many when he announced today that he has forgiven Suarez and in fact, looks forward to the possibility of developing his own werewolf powers as early as the next full moon.
If it happens, Ivanovic and Suarez won’t be the first werewolves playing a professional sport. In fact the pro fields of most sports are full of werewolves, from basketball to tennis to baseball and even ping pong.
In fact, with the exception of hockey and golf, which tends as much toward vampires as werewolves, and bowling which is dominated by ghosts, it’s fair to say that some of the best athletes in every sport display lycanthropic tendencies.
Carlos uses his bat to stop himself wolfing out.
Think about it. As a werewolf, once you learn to control your transformations,you will often be able to achieve a state between one form and the other, a wolf-man state that maximizes and combines the best attributes of both your human and lupine side. With this superior strength, speed and reflexes, wouldn’t you be tempted to try out for the big leagues?
Before you answer yes, consider this. Officials have already begun to debate what to do about suspected and confirmed werewolves in professional sports, Luis’ ten day suspension is just the tip of the iceberg.
Most agents and recruiters have a strict anti-lycan directive for the simple fact that most sports fans – again with the exception of hockey and curling – don’t want to see any literal blood on the field.
Taming the inner Tiger!
But playing a sport can make even the most placid person howling mad – let alone a werewolf. And what if the big game falls on a full moon? How will you control the were-rage?
Well here at SOS, were-rage is a perennial topic. It seems everyday there’s a new were-rage incident reported on the site. Many survivors will recognize Carlos Quentin here demonstrating a popular technique known as “bite-the-bat.”
(Little known fact – Carlos has flavoured bats specially made for this purpose.)
Now Tiger here, demonstrates the lesser known and somewhat less good technique known as “bite-the-five-iron.” I hesitate even to show this one as even looking at the photo can cause significant dental damage. But at the same time, who can argue with Tiger’s success? When was the last time you saw him transform unexpectedly?
Gnawing on his Olympic medal keeps Chris smiling not drooling.
And who can argue with Chris Paul of the US Olympic basketball team, caught gnawing on his gold medal, which is actually 92.5% silver, and for a very good reason! A little Ag 47 in the blood stream is just what the werewolf doctor ordered to keep the lycan factors at bay, at least for long enough to smile humanly for the cameras.
A grisly TAIL this week from Garden Street, USA a seven year-old girl on a desperate quest to become a mermaid tries to buy a mermaid tail, and reveals the murky underwater world of the mermaid tail transplant trade.
Should you buy a mermaid tale?
Residents of Garden Street woke up to this note on a street pole from a 7 year-old mermaid wannabe who thought she could swim, walk and babysit her way to achieving her dream of becoming a mermaid by buying a mermaid tale transplant.
The Internet reacted immediately. What kind of sick seven year old wants an amputated mermaid tail?
Is high unemployment and the current Hire-A-Mermaid craze making an underwater trade in black market mermaid tail transplants?
“What are we supposed to do,” said one girl who admitted she is saving up for a mermaid tail transplant too. “Times are tough and mermaids get all the good jobs now.”
I immediately alerted Mermaids for Hire about the situation, only to discover the dark truth about this company. They employ several mermaids who themselves bought a transplanted tail to make the transformation from human to mermaid.
According to mermaid Linden Wolbert, a mermaid tail sells for around 15,000 dollars. She sent me this shocking photo of a mermaid tail transplant in progress:
Grisly Mermaid Tail Transplant in Progress
If you know any mermaids or you are one yourself, don’t let this happen to you! Keep that tale under wraps! Do not reveal your Mermish status to people you don’t know.
Beware of anyone with an open drink, who could be a tail hunter. Why else would he be wandering around with an uncovered drink in hand? In fact, avoid any social situations where liquid is likely to fly! Remember just a single drop in at the wrong time can find you flopping in the middle of the party. Please alert the site if you see any suspicious activity in your neighbourhood. Do NOT be fooled into becoming a so-called tail donor. This is not minor surgery here. Your tail will NOT grow back. In fact, you will find yourself without human legs when you transform back to human form.
Big news the very first – but not the last – Seth On Survival interactive ebook is out. It’s the truer-than-true survival story of:
Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf
You can check it out on the Apple iBookstore here. Right now it only works on the iPad but other formats are coming soonish. That is as soon-ish as Graham and I can get it done. (We’re aiming for next week.)
From the world of Seth On Survival comes a new adventure with video annotation by Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening!
Archie Hartigan was the foremost authority on Supernatural Suvivology in his hometown, until an encounter with a real-life werewolf turns him into the one thing he hates the most – a monster! As Archie is thrust into a world of ancient secret societies, high-functioning zombies and horrors from beyond the veil of time and space, he learns that just because you’re a monster doesn’t mean you can’t also be a hero.
If so, don’t let your guard down yet. You never know when those crafty survival instructors will come at you and try to revoke your Survivologist certification, trust me. Don’t let a personal survival simulation catch you without a stack of canned goods, candles and a hand-crank radio! And remember to call a bystander – tell us about it here at SOS.
Meanwhile also in North America, I hear Mummy Day preparations are well underway. More on that later. Meanwhile let’s see who survived and who didn’t this week so we can add up the damage, er, I mean the lives saved! Check back here as I try to make sense of it all with some summaries and somewhat sloppy links!
Thanks to everyone for keeping on this week.
* A MistSorcerer has stopped bywith a quiz for werewolves!Is he a lycanthropologist? What will he do with your info? Answer his questions at your peril. Is he really going to cast a spell on me because I can’t program Android???
*Mermonster OCEAN says she can control minds.…I had not idea this was a mermish characteristic. Should I believe her? Why do I suddenly have an urge to mail her this fish…?
*Meanwhile MARY5544 still wants to become a mermaidwithout undergoing a tail transplant. Anyone have tips for her? (Reliable ones please. I don’t need another angry three-headed mermonster on the site!) Will her creek work? Or will it turn her into a mudmaid instead? Meanwhile I am searching the archives for advice from the legendary Pauzzis97, long overdue inductee to the Hall of Fame…
*New survivor Accaliamoonlover1398% werewolf reporting a glitch with The Monstrometer? Impossible!
Mayday mayday if you survived the week that was, check back here to see some crazy colored links to what’s what and whatnot at SOS.
Another Supernatural Week Of Survival!
That is, as soon as I can figure it all out. It takes me a while and I always get something wrong. (I blame everything on Graham who is busy trying to become a cybernetic leprechaun these days.) Let’s see, last thing I remember was the wild moon eclipse, the grisly mermaid tail tradea Shadow rider appeared, some athletes wolfed outand another new super survivor was named RAINSTORM.
Until the CRAZYCOLORED LINKS are up. thanks to everyone who survived another week at SOS and helped us all to keep on keeping on.
*New SOS message from CURIO has me CURIOUS you might say.Is he/she a therian or a shapeshifter or strange an interesting object? Hey wait a minute! Can you say all of the above? We have had an object shifter in a long time. Whatever else Curio is, he’s saaaaaarcastic.
* Like EJ THE SORCERER who practices healing spells on his cat…. why exactly is it cloudy where he is? Thanks for the SOS warning EJ. What exactly happens to sorcery pollution anyway?
* Did SHADOW RIDER update, still hasn’t found his local demigod encampment or any elevators to take him down down down to his dad. Will my new hellevator test work? Did Hera and Hades nab Connor? (Guess I really should have told him my relation to so-called mythical beings…)
1. Well it’s official, the Survivor of the Month is a werewolf again! A bitten werewolf to be exact.
2. This survivor, like many before, suffers from debilitating muffinitis.
3. This survivor is leader of a very unique pack.
Okay the clues this month were pretty vague, I’m the first to admit, but hey there was a lot going on. It was an epic month for a couple of survivors but with a roll of the virtual dice, we have a winner. If you guessed RAINSTORM, you guessed right.
In the Eye of Rainstorm
Try being in my fur…
It takes a real Survivor to enlist the help of others to win an epic battle. It takes a Super Survivor to find new ways to help others on their own quests at the same time. Rainstorm, the Wild Moon Survivor of the Month managed to do just that.
Rainstorm dropped by the site on the new moon to report about her pack, the Sapphire Pack. It’s a pretty new pack, they roam the Sapphire Forest which must be a truly awesome forest because apparently it’s full of jewels, providing you know where to look. And Rainstorm and her pack, they know where to look. It’s said they have a substantial hoard in a secret place in that forest. Needless to say, I’m searching for this forest as we speak, but all my attempts to trick Rainstorm into giving away the location so far have fallen on deaf ears.
(Good Internet security Rainstorm, too bad for me! Don’t think I’m giving up though.)
All of this makes me think Rainstorm must be a kind of Dragon Wolf. We don’t know for sure, because she has not divulged her attacker, but consider this fact – Rainstorm has wings. Are they shadow wings or light wings or flesh and blood? When do they appear? These are still open questions but maybe someday there will be a report.
Rainstorm suffered from an acute case of muffinitis this moon, which led to one particularly bad week on the site in which she threatened to kill anyone and everyone, effectively crashing the moderation filter (PLEASE NOTE: none of these comments were entered in the draw LOL!). She was almost killed after a mysterious gift of silver bracelets almost killed her. In the fallout from that she was suspended from school. Did she wolf out and attack a classmate? By all appearances she may have done.
Not long after, her arch-nemesis Snowfall tracked her down on SOS.
Snowfall, it seems, is a white werewolf and a former member of her pack with a grudge. The details of this grudge remain a little vague, something about an angel and a baby but one thing is clear – it took almost all the survivors on the site to defeat Snowfall.
And still in the middle of all this, Rainstorm found ways to help others survive, for instance helping to heal Rustpelt, by bringing him a vial of vampire blood to strengthen him in his fight. Of course, Rustpelt helped her right back which is why Rainstorm nominated him for Survivor of the Month.
( But that’s not how Survivor of the Month works at present. It’s just a random draw where each of your helpful, fun, descriptive, creative or entertaining comments or questions or suggestions or descriptions or observations are one “ticket.” Sometimes the winner only made a few comments and got lucky or sometimes the winner got a lot of tickets, that’s how random works.)
In any event, thanks to everyone who contributed to survived the Wild Moon with us this month, including Rainstorm. If she hasn’t been busted by a wolf cop you might catch her on the site one day again. Feel free to say “hi” and ask her a question – like, can we have a map showing the location of the Sapphire Forrest please?
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