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Hosted by renowned supernatural survivologist Seth Greening Seth On Survival is the blog, web series, and mobile app with the supernatural resources that you need to survive in these troubled times.

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Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Read more here: Zombie Attack!!!


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No Silver Bullet for Werewolf Breath

While not nearly as bad as zombie breath, a dogged mouth odour that lingers long after morning is one of the earliest and most reliable warning signs of lycanthropy so it comes as no surprise that breath-mint companies would clamour to cash in on the condition.

Cashing in on werewolf breath.

Cashing in on werewolf breath.

But whether you are a werewolf yourself or just friends with one, please beware of their supernatural claims there is no real silver bullet for werewolf breath here.

I received a box of these mints as a gift for review from an anonymous sender on the Dog Days moon, along with a note informing me that these so-called silver bullet mints could be used to cure lycanthropy – or at least the concomitant buccal conditions associated with it.

Now nobody wishes more than I do that any being could just bite a minty candy bullet to cure unwanted werewolf mutagens, but the science here does not support it.

Despite their grayish color, these mints contain absolutely no real edible silver whatsoever and while this may be good news for any werewolves who have unwittingly accepted such a mint from a friend, it renders this candy completely ineffective for full moon protection.

They do contain a certain amount of sucrose and artificial mint flavour to provide temporary relief from wolf breath during the dog days but the only kind of werewolf who would be sidelined by these mints is a diabetic one.

So go ahead and enjoy them. I’ll be the first to admit the reusable metal box is handy, and looks awesome, but don’t count on the mints to ward off a real werewolf, even if the werewolf is you. Especially if the werewolf is you. Review the many werewolf survival tips you’ll find here on SOS and at yourlupinelife.com instead.



by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Researchers Race to New Portal at End of the World

Researchers are racing to a remote region of Russia named the End of the World to solve the mystery of an infernal portal that appeared this week.

Fire and ice portal appeared at the End of the World this week.

Fire and ice portal appeared at the End of the World this week.

This enormous 262 foot fire and ice portal appeared out of nowhere in the Yamal Peninsula of Northern Russia, whose name translates into English as, “End of the World.”

The portal’s scorched rim gives way to an icy chute that slides down to an underground river.

Theories so far about the portal’s origin include everything from aliens, a meteorite, a stray missile or a methane gas explosion. While scientists around the world suit up to explore the portal, only supernatural survivologists are brave enough to state the obvious – this is clearly an infernal portal.

“Mysterious ice portals have a long history of going wrong. Things tend to come out of them,” stated Seth Greening on his website Seth On Survival, currently the 7th most popular website devoted to supernatural survivology on the Internet.  “I’m talking about the kind of thing that can possess and almost perfectly replicate your fellow researchers before turning them into monsters.”

Seth warns all researchers to consider maybe staying away, at least until the presence of infernal things has been eliminated.

But if you really can’t resist an infernal mystery like this and you must go investigate, at least familiarize yourself with the signs that one of your fellow researchers has been possessed by an infernal entity or demon or as scientists prefer to call them  in order to avoid any supernatural language – Things.

Has That Other Researcher Been Inhabited by an Infernal Thing?

3 Things To Thingk About


1. Research the other researchers inside and out

Infernal researcher-inhabiting things are capable of molecularly mimicking everything about a researcher except for the bits that don’t actually contain the researcher’s DNA. That’s why it’s important to know that other researchers has any fillings, facial jewelry, broken bones or replacement parts from the moment you meet him or her. The portal Thing won’t be able to replicate, and may even spit them out, so getting to know your fellow researchers in radiological detail is very important. Subtly ask them to see some old dental records and/or X-rays if possible, if not, a casual conversation comparing fillings and old injuries will suffice. Subtle is the key word here. Try to work it in naturally. “Pleased to meet Dr. Alexei. Mind if I check your teeth before we begin?” is just going to alert them to your suspicions.

2. Leave your dog at home

Infernal ice portal things hate dogs because they can identify them. If you bring your dog to the research site, it will be the first to die.

3. Bring a flamethrower if not a pile of grenades 

Unfortunately fire is the only way to deal with an infernal ice portal thing. Unfortunate because fire is also the best way to create a new ice portal. It’s just a paradox you will have to prepare for if you are planning on going ice portal spelunking with the researchers of the world.

And if you do decide to join the race of researchers at the End of the World, I hope you keep on keeping on.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

How Not to Dispose of a Possessed Doll

A deluge of possessed dolls around the world this week serves a sobering reminder to survivors everywhere about the dangers of demonic doll disposal.

If you or anyone you know is dealing with a possessed plaything, please read on!

Possessed Doll in Singapore disposed of at the base of a tree

Possessed Doll in Singapore disposed of at the base of a tree

First, in Singapore, a possessed doll was disposed of by the side of a busy road with a scarf over its eyes that reads, “in the name of God.”

Why? The owner hoped to dump the doll on a passing patsy who would presumably pick it up, remove the scarf, and look into its creepy eyes long enough to become the doll’s next possessee, thereby liberating the first owner from its infernal curse.

Instead the doll remains there, terrorizing the neighbourhood with strange voices and unexpected movements.

Now in California, another demonic doll this week, was found beheaded, wrapped in a cloth, placed in a clay pot and buried along with a number of machetes and what may be a human skull. The doll was dug up by a curious Husky named Skye who and his unsuspecting owner Aaron.

Demonic doll head dug up in California.

Demonic doll head dug up in California.

This kind of irresponsible demon doll disposal is one of my pet peeves. Yes we all know that recycling is a good thing, except when it comes to possessed playthings. Then it is just called passing the possessed peso.

If you or anyone you know has a demonized doll dilemma, let me repeat this here again for the millionth time, YOU CAN’T JUST DUMP IT. Not even with a million machetes or even a creepy religious blindfold. Possessed items must be properly repossessed by an certified infernal repo service provider or IRSP. Many communities have a code red-box possessed item pick up service so call your city hall today to find out if yours is one of them. It’s often as easy as sealing the doll in the red bin they provide and placing it at a designated portal.

And if your community doesn’t have a portal pick up service, there are a number of providers here on SOS. I urge you to contact one of them below. Your survival is virtually guaranteed.*

*99.98% guaranteed except under exceptional circumstances.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Hippy Hitchbot Hopes to Thumb His Way Into Human Hearts

Coming soon to a highway near you, a free-spirited robot named Hitch announced his plan today to travel across the continent the old-fashioned way, by hitching rides with humans.

Coming soon to a highway near you...

Coming soon to a highway near you…

Hitchy the hippy robot has announced his plan to cross the continent this summer from East to West, documenting stories of human generosity here on his website beginning in Port Credit Ontario with high hopes of ending up on the West coast by the end of summer.

“I love meeting people and hearing stories,” he writes. “If you see me on the side of the road, pick me up and help me make my way across the country.”

Hitchy hopes his hitchhiking holiday will provide a friendly antidote to killer robot tales currently terrifying the world, while learning a few new desert recipes along the way.

But will it work? At least one garden gnome is already giving Hitchy the thumb’s down.

“This copybot is just another gnome-wannabe,” stated Gnome Severson. “Who wants to hang with a hitchbot who looks like that? He’ll never party with Paris Hilton like I did, I’ll tell you that much. He’ll never be People’s Gnome of the Year. He can’t even wash your windshield because his hands are permanently frozen inside those goofy green gloves!”

In his own defense, Hitchbot admits that while he can’t clean your car, he can promise endless games of trivia and a music mix that includes Kraftwerk and Styx.

GnomeSeverson“Yeah yeah, who cares,” said Gnome Severson sounding more than a little jealous. “If there’s anything I learned from Watson it’s that humans hate being beat by robots in their own games. Me, I look great and I can dance. My prediction? Hitchbot will be a rusty tin can on the side of the road within weeks.

If you want to prove Gnome Severson wrong this summer, keep your eyes open for Hitchy.

If it works for Hitchy, I might invest in a pair of green gloves down here in Austin Texas. It seems like a great way to save on airfare…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Friday the 13th Triscadeca Moon Survival Top 4 Tips

With a full moon on the rise this Friday the 13th all Survivors would be wise to review their triscadeca awareness, because this moon is not just about the Dyan Werewolves and their 13 werewolf forms.

Friday the 13th Survival

Friday the 13th Survival

Avoid the 13th Floor

As you know, SOS has been on a campaign about this for about 700 years. Ever since the doomed people of Fustat Egypt watched their city burn after building humanity’s first 13th floor building. If you’ve been following that campaign then you know it’s not as easy as it seems. Many thirteenth floors have been deceptively renamed as 14th Floors, making it imperative that you check before getting off that elevator.

The telltale signs of a cursed thirteenth floor disguised as a fourteenth floor include suspiciously low ceilings, warped walls and peeling wallpaper, among others.

Or better yet, avoid the elevator all together and take the stairs until the moon sets on Saturday the 14th.

Avoid 13th Avenue and 13th Street

Does your city or town have a corner where 13th Avenue crosses 13th Street? Are you sure? Better take another look.

Over the last 50 years many cities have tried to fix the most supernaturally dangerous crossroad in the realm by renaming one or the other or both. But a closer look reveals their sloppy work. If the 13th street on your city’s grid suddenly changes from a number name to an eponymous one where it crosses the 13th Avenue, you can be sure a city engineer is trying to cover up the danger that lies there.

I’m speaking of course about witches. Witches are known to congregate at crossroads and on Friday the 13th, this is the one they will naturally choose. This full moon, they will be out in full force in groups of 13. So don’t be fooled by well-meaning city planners. Study the map of your city and find out for sure where the corners of 13 meet – and then avoid them at all costs.

And don’t be fooled by the cities who took the more drastic measure of ending 13th Street just before it meets 13th Avenue. The parking lot or green space in between is also vulnerable. I’m not saying that witches will be convening there for evil ends necessarily. As we know, sometimes they’re just trying to lift a historic curse from their favourite football team. But other times they’re trying to resurrect somebody, like the demon wolf Black Shuck whose bones were recently and so carelessly uncovered in Scotland.  Don’t find out the hard way which witches are which!

Avoid Arriving 13th

If you must go out this full moon, to a public place or party, it’s imperative you keep a good head count. Remember what happened to that 13th apostle! Don’t you be unlucky number 13.

Ask your host or hostess how many invitees will be at your event and show up early enough to be safe. Which brings us to the obvious fate of those who show up unlucky 13:

Avoid Masked Humans & People Carrying Outsized Power Tools

With all due respect to the would-be superheroes among us, this is good advice for almost any time but it becomes doubly important on the triskadeca moon. Sure that guy could just be late for a hockey game, or healing a severe burn on her face, but that doesn’t mean it’s not also hiding a psychopath. Triscadeca moons tend to bring out the psychopaths who are almost as famous for their creative face gear as their troubled childhoods.

Follow these four tips until the moon sets on Saturday the 14th and you’ll be 13.13% safer, guaranteed. And if you survive, I hope to see you all then.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Archaeologists Uncover Bones of Demon Wolf Black Shuck Werewolves of Bungay Enraged

As the bones of legendary demon wolf Black Shuck were uncovered by archaelogists this week, how will the shadowy Werewolves of Bungay protest this desecration of his holy bones?

Bones of legendary demon wolf exposed.

Bones of legendary demon wolf exposed.

Archaeologists uncovered massive 7 foot long wolf bones that had been ceremonially buried at a church in  Suffolk, England this week, and  confirmed they had found the secret grave of legendary demon wolf, Black Shuck, who terrorized church goers in the middle ages.

Famous for his flaming claws that burned scorch marks into church doors, Black Shuck terrorized church goers in the middle ages, attacking them when they knelt to pray. A survivor account by Reverend Abraham Fleming in 1577 describes a typical Black Shuck attack like this:

‘This black dog, or the divel in such a linenesse (God hee knoweth al who worketh all,) running all along down the body of the church with great swiftnesse, and incredible haste, among the people, in a visible fourm and shape, passed between two persons, as they were kneeling uppon their knees, and occupied in prayer as it seemed, wrung the necks of them bothe at one instant clene backward, in somuch that even at a moment where they kneeled, they strangely dyed…”

Strangely dyed indeed….

This sign of the Bungay Werewolves can be seen everywhere.

This sign of the Bungay  Lightning Werewolves can be seen everywhere.

The very strangeness of these deaths soon became apparent as Black Shuck went from reviled divel to the object of veneration by his survivors – or should I say strange dyers. Soon after a brutal Sunday attack in the middle of a lightning storm, survivors in the town of Bungay began inexplicably to hoist the image of Black Shuck everywhere, even putting him on their coat of arms to declare their allegiance.

And Bungay remains the flaming heart of Black Shuck’s demon wolf legacy. Even today it is said to be the seat of power for at least two different clans. Both Lightning and Shadow Werewolves may be found there at locations bearing signs that look like this —>>>

Just how will the werewolves of Bungay react to the news that Black Shuck’s secret grave has been discovered and his bones exposed to the world? Without a proper re-burial, will there be a full moon resurrection of the demon wolf?

I have contacted several villagers via Skype and Facebook with these questions and more but so far none will comment, clear evidence to me they are living in fear. Or else they are all in on the plan…

We’ll be looking into this one and more all week here at SOS. If you live in Bungay or happen to know somebody who lives there, I hope you will report.

Thanks for keeping on,


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Creepy Time Traveller Stalks Girlfriend in Childhood

News of a creepy time traveller stalker shocked the world this week, when a young woman looking through her old photos discovered her boyfriend secretly stalking her in time, appearing at events of her childhood.

Man stalked girlfriend throughout her childhood

Man stalked girlfriend throughout her childhood

The young woman in question, whose name is given only as Kotaku by The People’s Daily in China, is said to be horrified to discover her new boyfriend named Wan in some of her childhood photos. In each one Wan appears to be whispering secret messages to her childhood self, a desperate attempt to influence her older self, likely after she dumped him in the future.

While the world may be surprised, the news comes as no surprise to me. The phenomenon of time travelling romantic stalkers has been well-documented over the years and worse, celebrated by the mainstream media.

Now I  have taken a lot of flack over the years for including Time Travellers as a separate category in The Monstrometer – not to mention for my spelling of the word traveller - traveler?- but I can assure you this behaviour is a growing threat to every being on the planet.

Dumped man goes further and further back in time to try and fix the situation.

Dumped man goes further and further back in time to fix his failed relationship.

As anyone who has ever been dumped will tell you - not referring to myself here of course – but as any hypothetical anyone will tell you, being dumped always involves a period of wondering, what if I had just said no instead of yes when she asked, do these shorts make me look fat? Or if I had actually just taken her to the mall instead of making her wait while I checked zombie proofing protocols first?

Many Time Travelling “Romance Repair” agencies exist to take advantage of precisely this kind of rumination. How much would you pay to go back in time and unsay that thing you said? Or do that thing you should have done? A one-time intervention starts around $86.17, temporal tax included.

Sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. But then one intervention was never enough. I say no, you look great but then later she asks a tricky follow-up question like, notice anything new about my hair? Or like, what are you thinking? And she still dumped me. Er, the hypothetical you, I mean. Point is, that temporal intervention bill can really start to add up.

And that’s when an even creepier subset of these agencies will offer to send you further and further into the past so you can implant the idea of yourself in the mind of your future love interest at a more impressionable age. All you need is a childhood photo of your ex to anchor and time your arrival in her life, they tell you. Like Wan has clearly done in these photos. How easy is that?

As it turns out, not so easy.  Most women guard their childhood photos like a leprechaun does gold. They won’t even show them to you, let alone give you one. And certainly not after she dumps you. So you would have to steal one somehow. But even if I succeeded in stealing one without getting caught, my successful arrival at the exact moment the snapshot was taken GUARANTEES getting caught. And then I would have to steal that photo all over again in the future.

Furthermore, the science is not sound. Granted, there is some dubious research to show that our relationship preferences are set in childhood, in that period of time before you can even make memories. But there is even more convincing research that shows temporal stalking is super creepy and virtually guarantees your future dumpage. Kotaku for instance dumped Wan.

So whether you be the dumper or the dumpee, beware the false promises of time travel, guard your childhood photos under lock and key and just keep on keeping on into your future. Where there’s Survival, there’s always hope for a better tomorrow.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Singularity Survival How To Hide From Machine Overlords

With the singularity arriving ahead of schedule, the art of outsmarting our machine overlords, even temporarily, is a skill for every survivor to study seriously – and often.

Is a Guy Fawkes mask the best way to outsmart the machines?

Is a Guy Fawkes mask really the best way to outsmart the machines?

In the spirit of your singularity survival, SOS turns attention this week to the advancing arts of anti-surveillance only to find it’s not as simple as slapping on a Guy Fawkes mask or tagging your dog as being you.

I’m not saying you should throw out the mask – or not tag your dog as you. The Anonymous face will still come in handy whenever you need to make an emergency video announcement or when you run out of Halloween disguise options.

But if you’re counting on that white face and smiley moustache to let you pass undetected in your daily life, new research reveals it may be time to expand your camo kit.

Likewise, if you like me rely chiefly on mis-dicrection – you know, tag a friend or your dog or even an occasional stapler as being you, well Future Everything reporter Bill Thompson informs me this is no longer enough.

“The algorithms have advanced to a point where multiple strategies are required if you want to pass unnoticed in the world,” he said, suggesting that I book a visit to the latest kind of hair salon, a so-called “Anon Salon,” where you can get an anti-surveillance makeover guaranteed to help you pass virtually unnoticed by the creatures of code.

That I didn’t take Bill’s advice is something I regret today after being on the receiving end of a brutal One Direction-inspired haircut. But at least I have done the research and here’s what I found:


1. Don’t rely on masks

Yes even if you can grow or print your own custom skin job. In addition to being illegal in many public places, most machines use a number of ways to detect their presence on the surface of your face from heat signatures to circulatory maps of your skin.

Likewise, this would rule out wearing of somebody else’s face. Even if your friend said he wasn’t using his, the legal and logistical complications do not over-ride this simple fact –  the machines know.

2. Hide key facial features

Concentrate on the area where your eyes, nose and forehead meet. Wear sunglasses because they make you look cool but they won’t fool most machines today. Old school disguise is still however an option. Coal digger, invalid, surgeon or nun are always popular options. Basically anything that lets you smudge or cover your face in socially approved ways.

3. Misdirect with Asymetrical Light and Shadow

You don’t have to become a camouflage cosmetician to draw an extra eyebrow on your forehead or stick a glowy bandaid under the other eye. Sure if you want to get fancy you could invest in some flashy LED bling but really we’re talking anything that makes it hard for the camera sensors to get three good overlapping images to confirm the face belongs to you.

4. Remain Inconspicuous

The best advice I always give sometimes. It never fails. Especially if a machine has been sent back from the future to eliminate you based on some messianic prophesy. Avoid fulfilling messianic prophesies wherever possible. Try to remember to not do anything of note. I for instance aim to be only the 5th most famous supernatural survivologist on the Interwebs – albeit first most reliable. In 1999 I accidentally slipped into third place for a while after Steve Irwin died. It was the scariest year of my life. Lucky for me, I was saved by the ubiquity of broadband Internet and the explosion of digital television. Consistent underachievement is a valid survival tactic in life, even after high school – with Survival everything remains possible. And that’s what I love about it.

I know this may not be possible for you, I understand. Not everyone can maintain a solid level of mediocrity. If you do in fact have some over-riding mission or talent beyond survival, well then you’ll just have take your chances and fulfill your destiny. But if so, arm yourself with the latest anti-surveillance info by reading about it here and be sure to keep on keeping on with SOS, whenever it’s safe.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Why Are Fairies Following Professor? FBI Agent Investigates

Fantastic fairy photos from a British professor this week prompted a former FBI agent to investigate and caused the world to wonder, why are fairies following this man?

Why are fairies following this man?

Why are fairies following this man?

When Professor John Hyatt released these images on social media, he swore to the world they were not altered in any way, shape or form. The fairies, he said, began appearing in his nature photographs snapped on long walks through Rossendale Valley.

His photos immediately attracted the attention of the supernatural world, including former FBI Agent Ben Hansen who whose own investigation concluded the appearance of these fairies could not have been an accident.

“It would be quite a coincidence that the fairies all happen to emerge in front of the camera at the precise distance needed to be in focus,” he said on his SiFy TV show.

Former Agent Hansen could not answer the question on many minds, why are fairies following this particular professor? Is he in fact posing them in front of the camera? The answers are flying on the Internet to day. SOS invites you to read a few of them and judge for yourself.

Are they posing for the professor?

Are they posing for the professor?

Historical Hoax Theory:

In this place in 1917, two girls fooled the whole world with their own photographs of fairies. For the infamous Cottingley Fairies Hoax, friends Elsie Wright and Frances Griffiths took photos of themselves frolicking with fey folk later found to be made of cardboard – but not before fooling the entire world, including some very famous people. As a result, some say, nobody would ever believe a human who claimed to have seen fairies in this spot here, making it the safest place for fairies to meet.

Fairies Want to Work With Professor Hyatt

Professor Hyatt’s work at Manchester Metropolitan University involves bringing magic into the real world to achieve healing. He denies being a wizard or magic user himself, that is his stated job description. Are the fairies trying to impart a healing message to the professor? If so, what could it be?

Professor Hyatt Is Summoning the Fairies For His Own Reasons

Although the professor used to play in a punk band, in recent times he has been caught on camera playing a number of highly suspicious instruments including this one:

Professor Hyatt plays a number of suspicious instruments.

Professor Hyatt plays a number of suspicious instruments.

Why the sudden change of heart? Many believe he is using them to call the fairies to him as part of his mysterious magical mission. Is he really summoning them with a song and making them dance? If so, is this really about healing somebody or something? Or some other mysterious personal reason?

I haven’t made up my mind yet, but two things at least are very clear to me today. One, if the Professor is summoning the fairies with magic music, he better be prepared for unexpected consequences. Fairies do not respond well to command performances. The magic they bring to him may be much more than he had in mind. If he is hoping to hijack a tooth fairy, for instance, he could wake up tomorrow with a mouth full of fairy dust – and nothing else. True story. Happens all the time.

Two, readers are cautioned to not make the mistake of many Internet entomologists today. Fairies do not take kindly to being called bugs. Or insects. Unless you want to spend your summer swatting swarms of mosquitoes cursed on you by an festering fey, do like me and just keep that idea to yourself.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Holy Grail War Waging as Cup Disappears Again

Pilgrims flocked to Spain this week to see a 2,000 year-old cup bedazzled by a medieval princess only to find it suddenly gone, fuelling both faith and cynicism that Princess Urraca’s bejewelled cup is the real Holy Grail.

Did an 11th Century princess hide the real Holy Grail?

Did an 11th Century princess hide the real Holy Grail?

“It always does that!” said one excited if somewhat disappointed believer outside the San Isidro Basilica. “The real Holy Grail always disappears, as soon as it knows that it has been discovered. Well that plus kill everyone who tries to control it.”

Critics meanwhile claim the cup’s disappearance has more to do with historians trying to sell their book, Kings of the Grail, hiding it away to evade scrutiny than with any holy magic.

“I want my entrance fee back,” said one such critic who had to be reminded it was just a suggested donation anyway. “Jesus would never drink out of a fancy cup like that. I only came here to complain about it in person.”

But Margarita Torres and Jose Manuel Ortega del Rio defend their supernatural claim. They say Princess Urraca of Zamora deliberately blinged-up the Holy Grail with jewels and precious stones to hide it in plain sight from her jealous siblings after inheriting it from her father, King Ferdinand.

“Plus, she probably wanted to make it prettier. The princess was known for that. She would have found the Holy Grail pretty plain,” said one historian, using another photo to illustrate his point (see below.)

Assuming for a moment the historians are correct, was the crafty princess trying to keep the cup safe with her jewels and stones? Or bedazzle it into her power?

The historians describe the blood wars waged by the princess against her five siblings, that only ended with all of their deaths.

“See? That’s what I’m talking about. It does that too. Everybody dies where the cup is concerned. Except of course the pure of heart.”

Followers of this theory contend that the cup has likely been stolen by a descendant of the princess of maybe even the princess herself, risen from her tomb inside the Basilica.

Did a cunning princess disguise the real Holy Grail?

Did a cunning princess disguise the real Holy Grail?

Critics of Dona Urraca’s cup insist however it could never be THE Holy Grail, wherever it is. Even if such a legendary cup still existed, it could never be blinged-up like this on, not even by a powerful princess.

Will the chalice’s re-disappearance usher in a new era of Holy Grail warfare?  Or is it just a supernaturally good book publicity stunt? Or both?

“You can expect more death and destruction now. And insects. At least until somebody with pure intentions finally finds it again,” said one Holy Grail quester. “I hope for their sake these historians were not trying to use the power of the cup for commercial purposes. That would put them in great danger.”

Margarita Torres and Jose Manuel Ortega del Rio’s publicist states there’s nothing impure about selling books however, and that they will find Dona Urraca’s cup again and defend their holy claims until the end.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Starbucks Supernatural Symbol Scandal Now Serving Apologies, Holy Water

Starbucks is fighting a supernatural situation this week serving up apologies and holy water to ward off a foamy supernatural symbol scandal fomented by a devilish barista. Don’t be caught in the CROSS-fire, read on.

Demonized barista made coffee and zap water at Starbucks.

The rumours began when Catholic coffee lover Megan Pinion from Louisiana, USA found these supernatural symbols in her coffee foam and grew with shocking revelations from customers around the world that the company has been serving up holy water charged with shocking powers.

“We have reached out to Megan on social media to apologize,” stated Starbucks when the supernatural symbol story broke. “We would also like to apologize to the witch and the demon who likely received crosses by mistake and urge everybody who receives any unwanted supernatural symbols in their coffee to turn them upside down before drinking.”

While the identity of the demonized barista has not been revealed, the story has fuelled speculation that Starbucks has been secretly slinging a supernatural situation with coffee foam and holy water.

Holy water? That’s right. Some time before Megan Pinion found her foam hexed with a pentagram and the number of the beast, Starbucks survivor Greg Allbright discovered that every plain glass of water you order at Starbucks (no ice, no straw) delivers a series of holy shocks.

Allbright first noticed the situation drinking Starbucks special triple-filtered water during a supernaturally boring business meeting at his local coffee shop when the liquid delivered a series of strong zaps to his face and lips. After he started blogging about it, customers from around the world came forward to reveal the same shocking situation happening to them and/or  people they know.

While Allbright suspects a simple electrical charge may be responsible, SOS immediately identified a clear link between the two shocking stories. I personally sent a sample of this special triple-filtered shock water to an official online holy water provider for assessment. The result came back 99.98% positive for the presence of blessed holy ions, making it official – Starbucks is now serving holy water with a powerful charge.

As Starbucks has yet to comment on the supernatural situation evolving within its stores or divulge the nature of its secret holy triple-filtering system - father, son and holy ghost anyone? –  Survivors of every persuasion are advised to check both foam and water before drinking and to turn all cups three times (counterclockwise) for good measure. It’s not clear yet what effect drinking an unwanted supernatural symbol will have on a drinker but the holy water taken alone delivers a series of zaps to your face and lips, roughly the equivalent of a nine-volt battery. While not necessarily a bad sign – indeed this is likely a sign the holy water is working – the effect can be shocking or even dangerous to the wrong being and likely indicates that you are or somebody you know is  part vampire or demon.

And nobody – including me at this point – knows yet what will happen if you drink a 666 latte simultaneous with a grande glass of holy water or alternate sips of each, so take heed! You could find a holy war – or worse – in your belly.

That said, Starbucks triple-filtered water is a generous offer for anyone who needs to stock up on holy water. It’s a holy charge the company offers free of charge to customers. Just make sure to ask for it without ice and use it without the straw for best results.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Did Professor “Spooky At A Distance” Discover or Create 92 More Dimensions?

Scientists playing with photons revealed the existence of 103 dimensions this week, a stunning 92 more dimensions than previously reported, while critics suspect a teleporting super-scientist may in fact be creating these worlds in the first step to cloning himself 103 times.

The teleporting Professor may have already cloned himself 103 times this week.

Has the teleporting professor cloned himself 103 times?

A Spanish team led by famous teleportation professor Anton Zeilinger announced this week they successfully entangled two photons into 103 superpositions, meaning they caused just two light particles to exist in 103 different dimensions at the exact same time. It opens the door to all kinds of spooky quantum super-possibilities, from supercomputers to super encryption and even cloning.

Just look at the man in charge. Professor Zeilinger, whose knickname is Professor Spooky At A Distance,  is a mad teleporting genius who has publicly admitted to inadvertently creating realities just by trying to study and measure reality. So when he says they discovered 103 dimensions, doesn’t he actually mean that he has created them for his own arcane ends?

Many of his students certainly think so.

“Professor Z? It wouldn’t surprise me,” stated one student who requested anonymity pending her final marks in his class. “He’s always on about his failed teleporting cups of coffee experiments, how he could never get the handle right. Or the cup. You have to be really careful in his classes. It could rain hot decaf at any moment.”

Another student suspects the prof would be trying to clone himself.

“Professor Zeilinger is obsessed with creating what he calls spooky action at a distance, like using carbon atoms to transfer properties from one being to another instantaneously. As a carbon-based being myself, I get a little nervous around him.”

His sister agrees. “Anton was always removing the arms and legs from my dolls and swapping them around,” she said. “It would be just like him to go and make clones in a hundred dimensions.”

Journalist Kevin Hull argues the key to understanding Professor Zeilinger’s motivation is fully revealed in his youtube video where the professor waxes nostalgic about many other lives he would like to lead, for instance as a jazz musician and a sailor.

Personally I have another theory. Professor Z has repeatedly stated that he dreams of creating a super-university for other superscientists just like him. Maybe in fact exactly like him. Like maybe just, him. Times 103. 

“Matter itself is completely irrelevant,” says the professor himself. “If you swap all my carbon atoms for other carbon atoms, I am still Anton Zeilinger.”

And now there could 103 Anton Zeilingers coming soon to a dimension near you. So keep your eyes open survivors and if you see this man be aware you could be dealing with an interdimensional clone.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

March Mystery Messages Prof Offers Cash Prize If You Crack The Code

Intriguing Internauts today, a series of mysterious messages in an unknown script discovered on a university campus, has prompted one prof to offer a cash prize to anyone who can help him crack the code but are the messages really worth much, much more than a mere one hundred dollars?

Can you crack the code?

Can you crack the code?

A series of 16 strange messages have been discovered by different people in a library at the University of Western Ontario, in London, Canada. The messages, all stuck between the pages of various books contain a series of unexplained symbols and at least one relic made of an ordinary item, like a leaf a feather or a button.

“I’d taken a book off the shelf on international economics,” said Mike Moffat, the professor who is offering the prize today. “Inside the book was an envelope. I immediately thought somebody had been using it as a book mark.”

But when he opened the envelope, Professor Moffat found this note –>>

After the professor began blogging about the note, other note-finders came forward, bringing the total of notes found to 16, all of which you can view online here. 

Theories range from alien poetry to witch’s spells but so far the script has defied the efforts of all the university’s best cryptographers – at a university known for having the best cryptographers it should be noted.

If you have a theory, Professor Moffat is offering a hundred dollar prize if you crack the code. But is the message really worth far more than one hundred dollars? Could they in fact be the key to a hidden treasure?

I wrote the professor with my theory and I don’t mind sharing it with you here in brief. As we all know, March is the month of the leprechauns, when they finally get outside to bury new treasure and search for the old. Leprechauns are famous for two things. Burying treasure and forgetting where they buried it. That’s why they leave cryptic clues for themselves and other leprechauns. Leaves? Feathers? Buttons? Smells like leprechaun to me. It would be just like a leprechaun to leave clues like this in an economics library.

If I’m right – and I’m 91,98% sure that I am right –  then these notes are worth far more than one hundred dollars. They could provide the clues you need to find a leprechaun’s buried treasure. And that’s where you’ll find me this week, on the London leprechaun trail. Join me and share in the treasure.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

This Week In Survival March 22, 2014 First 4 Million Moon Prizes

Feels like the end of a week to end all weeks here on SOS, but somehow with your help, we made it to another weekend.

Happy Four Million Moon

Four Million Moon Contest Continues

Thanks to everyone for your patience with some lingering leprechery as we update the theme of our site to fight them off fully. Also to Survivor of the Month KUROGANE  for accepting  the curse from Lilith this moon. We’re still working with a friend in Singapore to get you that prize and won’t let you down.

And thanks to all of you if who continue to enter the 4 Million Moon Contest  4 weeks of prizes for keeping on with SOS begins tonight.  Graham and I will be making the first two prize draws by midnight, EST so check back here for updates. If you haven’t entered yet, it’s pretty easy, just click here and pick one of (roughly) 4 million ways to get your name in the draw.

Meanwhile let’s see who actually survived with SOS this week and how and against what odds starting with…

4 Million Memories

–>> Once a long time ago on SOS there was a vampire named PAUZZIS who didn’t exactly hate being a vampire – in fact she liked a lot of things about it – but she remembered how much she loved beaches and sunshine from her life before. Being also a halfling daughter of Poseidon, she decided she wanted above all to become a full mermaid so she could feel the sunshine again without bursting into flames. She made a great website about some of her adventures here. 

–>>After carefully researching the matter here on SOS and elsewhere, Pauzzis thought she found how to make the transition to mermaid - a midnight swim at Lands End in Cabo San Lucas.  Although I warned her of the danger, and tried hard to persuade her to try some black market Lands End Water Potion first,  Pauzzis was determined.

So what happened to Pauzzis? Check here to find out…

Survivor vs Survivor 

 Leprechaun lunacy infected many survivors this week: 

–>> BITTERSWEET vs RAINSTORM in a pack dispute over a packmate. What’s did NIGHTMARE do wrong? Anyone smell a shunning?

–>> MR. MUTT vs LORD ZOBEK  Is this all about void chipmunks? Hmm what’s with this Zobek anyway? And who made him lord of the void? I don’t know but maybe he’s telling the truth because…

Shadow Wolves Among Us

–>> Forget the chipmunks you’ll want to check this. Missive from VELANKO, FENRIR and AP about Shadow Wolves. What is the mark? And who is the one with the Grand Soul they seek?

Hazel Eyes Debate

–>> Are hazel eyes a sign of lycanthropy? BLUESTAR says yes and her stepmom is living proof but FENRIR says no.  Or wait, is he saying that 1/3 of all Earthlings are WWs?

And now oh look at the time…

Midnight brings first 4 Million Moon Winners

Midnight EST brings 4 Million Moon Winners

Congratulations to the First 4 Million Moon Winners

The first two prizes go out tonight to AGENT RB and BLUESTAR! 

Thanks to everyone for entering this week. Every small thing that you do helps SOS to keep on keeping on and earns you a chance to win next Saturday, same time, same place.

Please keep entering all 4 weeks of the 4 Million Moon Contest HERE 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Humans Get Down On Knees And Beg NOW Advises Bill Gates

A Bill Gates interview controversy continues after he advises humans to quote, get on their knees and beg businesses to keep humans employed, unquote, as outraged humans with aching articulations respond by hiring robots to protest on their behalf and booking cybernetic knee surgery.

Will humans use robots to protest losing jobs to robots?

Will Emigilio keep his job as a robot protester?

Famous Microsoft founder Bill Gates stated in an interview that robots are steadily replacing most humans on the job, everywhere, even places you wouldn’t expect, “from accountants to real estate agents and commercial pilots.

(You can read an account of that Bill Gates interview here). 

But humans who heard his message to get down on their knees and beg this week are begging to differ.

“Human knees are terrible at begging,” stated one anonymous articularly-challenged underemployed human who heard Bill Gates’ advice. “Can’t we just get a robot to do that?”

“After a certain age – and it’s pretty young –  human knee joints just begin break down, making begging difficult if not impossible for most people,” the human explained.

Will cybernetic Leg designed by Aron McBride help humans beg for their jobs?

Will cybernetic leg designed by Aron McBride help humans beg for their jobs?

“Why do you think hominids stood upright to begin with? Duh. Sore joints!”he added, noting that he himself suffers terribly from a condition known as chronic chondromalacia virtually every time the kitty litter needs changing.

Rising – or dropping – to Bill Gate’s challenge, other humans have responded by developing protest robots like this one named Emigilio made by Randy Sarafan.

“It might work,” commented the human. “Emigilio is knee height.” He added that a robot might also have more success convincing another robot to give up his job than a mere human.

However, humans not convinced by Emigilio are looking instead to cyborg technology like this to facilitate better begging.

“Oh yeah! That’s more like it,” said the human who is totally not actually really me interviewing me. “With a knee like that you wouldn’t have to beg for very long before you could just take over the whole universe.”

While Darth Vader may be the only human to have an awesome knee like this one so far, humans like me, er like this one totally anonymous human, are lining up now.

(And on a related note, does anyone else find it disturbing that Bill Gates would mention the total replacement of commercial pilots by robots just days after the Extreme Revolution was declared and Flight MH370 mysteriously disappeared?)

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Guess the Survivor of the Month

Well it must be International Happiness Day as well as the spring equinox because we appear to have survived another lousy leprechaun moon, the longest, losing-est one in  history due to the loopifying effect of St. Patrick’s Day.

Don't let this happen to you.

A CATastrophic warning from Agent RB. Don’t let this happen to you.

It never fails the little leapers get me every year at this time. But I CAT-agorically deny  responsibility for what happened to Agent RB’s computer — see photo. Leprechauns like to lift your pockets and shake down your site but they almost never turn your computing devices into a cat. Sounds more like the work of a witch to me. But if you woke up to find a feline felon where you last left your devices, talk to AGENT RB about it here.

And congrats if you survived with SOS. Thanks to everyone who continued to email and enter the 4 Million Moon Contest which will be extended due to the difficulties. Please keep on entering, I haven’t lost your info. Graham and I have stabilized the site enough to survive but will need a few more days to fully repair the damage.

Thanks to the longevity of LILITH who carried the SoTM curse without dragging a single survivor down into the underworld,we are ready to announce the 4 Million Moon Survivor of the Month:

Guess the Survivor of the Month

10 Easy Clues

1. This survivor has been keeping on for almost 6 months, not always saying much, but his detailed and helpful comments and questions indicate he might be strong enough to carry the curse until the next full moon. But is he? That remains to be seen.

2. At one time I thought he might be a demonic pet dealer because he appears to know a lot about that. But he is actually a genetic werewolf on both sides of his family. Specifically, a necromancing cyberwolf. He even has a theme song…

3. Alerted the site to the dangers of radioactive plutonium weapons after his pack caught a certain Vonderblack Vanhellio whose hunter guide was protected by it.  Is there an antidote yet? Trying to contact the Radioactive Wolfman of Ukraine Dr. Vadim Siderovich to find out. 

4. Has – or had –  a vampire GF

5. Also had – or has – a zombie GF. Actually she was a human he resurrected – normally a solid relationship move – but it’s unclear how that’s working out.

Oh wait… belated update….

6. Not great. Does this explain his very clearly expressed hatred for cupids here? And for the record, I for one give great relationship advice! 

7. Makes the startling claim that zombies crave not brains, not rotten cauliflower heads but hydrangea leaves.

*Please note this is entirely unconfirmed.

8. Recently acquired a nice cyborg arm that works in both WW and human form. While Janus is clearly jealous, Valenko insits he could have provided one both more stylish and sturdy – but at what price? How/where did he get that anyway? 

9. Has a device called the Heart of Eve keeping him alive which like many of the more awesomer devices, sounds equally poetic and creepy. It distills pure emotions into life force. And er, it seems to require certain organic parts so any human females on the site are well advised to be very wary of Kurogane.

10. Seems to have a longstanding aquaintance-ship with Lilith who seems to have something on him. The details are sketchy but involve zombie samurai.

If you guessed it, or you read The Reaper’s spoiler – hey no  complaints I used to give prizes for that too just to see if anyone read this so thanks to you Reaper-  the SoTM this month is *drumroll* KUROGANE! A small iTunes gift card is going out to him as soon as I can find a reliable provider for his region and we will see if he can carry the curse to the next full moon. Look for his SoTM profile tomorrow along with This Week In Survival. Thanks to everyone for another supernatural month. 

Many thanks to Lilith for doing her part and passing it on to him. 

If you’re looking for a pretty concise summary of what’s happening here on the site, check out THE REAPER here.

My suspect list however is HERE in reply to FENRIR. 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

4 Million Moon Survivor of the Month

Who will it be?

Who will it be?

An SoTM has been selected but due to the annual leprechaun attacks, this post delayed until tomorrow…

Graham and I are working hard to ensure the survival of the site.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on.


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

4 Leaf Clovers for the 4 Million Moon Who Will Be Survivor of the Month?

SOS Survivor of the Month

Thanks to everyone who has managed to enter the 4 Million Moon Contest despite the leprechauns on the loose today. To The Reaper and Agent RB and others for the reviews,  to Velanko for introducing a new Survivor, and to everyone who made a comment or reply to anyone else. It all goes into the Saturday draw as well as the grand prize draw and above all, everything you do no matter how small will help SOS to keep on keeping on.

(Incidentally the reviews don’t have to be positive. For instance I wouldn’t exactly expect a great one from SAMANTHA who has likely burst into flames waiting for Daywalker ring info. Although I remain hopeful one can be located. With Survival there’s always hope.)

And now the curse must be passed. LILITH has carried it admirably long enough during a difficult month. While Graham and I comb back through the month that was to determine a survivor strong enough to carry it through another month, stop a minute to recall some basic leprechaun survival facts:

Fast Facts For Full Moon Leprechaun Survival

Leprechauns Attack in New York

A recent leprechaun attack in NY. Note green clothing remains.

1. Wear green

You probably thought it was a joke, the wearing of green clothing but this photo is proof that when big city leprechauns do a subway shakedown, green clothing is your only protection. Why? Historically some green dyes were made from shamrocks which as you know, leprechauns both revere and fear.

2. Avoid those super comfy couches and chairs in public places

This goes double for those massage chairs. Modern leprechauns have devised this technology as one of the best way to suck the coins right out of your pocket. So don’t let one of them catch you digging around in the cushions either, unless you know you can outrun them.

A yellow flag means four leaf clovers here.

A yellow flag means four leaf clovers here.

3. Keep a 4 leaf clover in your pocket at all times for at least the next 72 hours 

Unfortunately due to a devastating four leaf clover crop failure this year, this could be a challenge. Unless you grew your own or you’re a gifted plant grafter, you need a reliable four leaf clover finder. There are several of them on the market, some of them more reliable than others, but there’s also a helpy irl tradition of survivors marking the spot with yellow flags so keep your eyes open for that.

And if you find a good patch today be sure to alert others.

4. Avoid numismatists, locksmiths & cobblers

As previously noted on the site, these are common cover careers for leprechauns who will be on the loose for the next 72 hours. Keep your keys with you at all times and if you find yourself locked out of your crib, home or vehicle above all do NOT call a locksmith.

And if you think it’s safe to buy new shoes because hey who’s a cobbler anymore? Think again. Leprechauns are more than ever, the masters of modern shoemaking.  Any shoes you buy on a leprechaun moon are bound to have a fairy spell on them. So unless you want to dance yourself to death or travel uncontrollably in time, wait at least 72 hours, at least long enough to research your purchase to be sure it won’t have any unintended consequences.

Watch out for moon bows on a leprechaun moon

Watch out for moon bows on a leprechaun moon

5. Beware the moon bows 

Yes it’s true the end of a rainbow often marks a treasure site. But moon bows occur only on a full moon near a running water source. A moon bow marks the transit of a so-called Dark Leprechaun from the land faery realm to ours and when the St. Patrick coincides with a full moon, the dark leprechauns are sure to be out in full force.

6. Review past St. Patrick’s Day survival tips here on the site and add your own. 

It’s the surest way to keep on keeping on!



by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

4 Million Moon Contest Announces 4 Plus 4 Prizes and More Every Week

In honor of the four million milestone, please join me in the SOS 4 Plus 4 Prizes and More on all 4 weeks of the 4 Million Survivor Moon.

Happy Four Million Moon

Happy Four Million Moon

The 4 Million Survivor Moon runs on a point system draw that will add up your points and draw for prizes every weekend for all four weeks of the 4 Million Moon.

Survivors can receive points for each of the easy activities described below. Each point is one virtual “ticket ” and a draw will be made from everyone who received tickets that week on every weekend of the 4 Million Moon.* (And even if you don’t win that week, you can feel good knowing you helped SOS to survive by your efforts.)

(We used to do Survivor of the Month this way but it got too complicated. Graham had to do a lot of research and math. But he has agreed to resurrect his old spreadsheet for the 4 Million Moon)

The final draw of the 4 Million Moon will be for a bigger grand prize, the biggest, grandest prize ever given on the site: a $50 iTunes gift card – or other game card if you don’t have an iOS device. But here’s the catch. To even be eligible for this grand prize you will need to have earned at least 4 tickets (in 4 different categories) during the 4 million moon.

(From that you can see that the other prizes will be smaller iTunes gift cards and promo codes.)

So what can you do to earn tickets to the weekly 4 Million Moon Contest?  It’s easy because there are almost 4 million ways to do it:

4 Million ok 18 Easy Ways to Earn Weekly Prize Tickets:

1. Follow me on Twitter by clicking here. Just be ready because I WILL follow you back. Just click here:

2. Follow Your Lupine Life on Twitter. They will follow you back too. Just click here:

3. Subscribe to the Monstromter Report. Just click here.

4. Subscribe to Louis Pine’s YouTube channel. Just click here.

5. Like SOS on Facebook by clicking here:

6. Like Your Lupine Life on Facebook by clicking here:

7. Follow Seth On Survival on Google+. Just Click below:

8. Subscribe to Seth On Survival via email in the sidebar.
<==== Right over there.

9. Publicly share anything about SOS or Your Lupine Life on almost any platform, in any way that you like. Just be sure to let me know  if it’s one I don’t belong to like, LeprechaunWorld.com. Just email or tweet me a link to your share and it goes in the draw.

10. Tweet your Monstrometer result to me (@sethonsurvival) or post your scan result to your Facebook page (and let me know by tagging me or emailing me). You can earn a point for each of these once per week.

11. Leave a comment on one of my YouTube videos. You can earn one point per video commented on.

12. Leave a comment on one of Louis Pine’s YouTube videos. You can earn one point per video commented on.

13. Retweet me on Twitter, preferably a Monstrometer Report link.

14. Save a life, supernaturally and introduce somebody new to SOS. Introduce them online through comments on any page and tell us something about them and you will both receive a ticket.

15. Make a comment on the site or a reply to something somebody else said on the site. Maximum one point per comment and one point per reply per day. That means you can earn up to 14 points per week if you both comment and reply at least once per day.

16. Write a review of the Monstrometer or the Lupine Life App on the iTunes App Store. Email me a screenshot to let me know you did it.

17. Write a review of Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf on the iBookstore. Email me a screenshot to let me know you did it.

18. Follow Seth On Survival on Tumblr:

And finally here’s an additional big one:

Enter the big contest at YourLupineLife.com. Join the site there and tell a werewolf tale – or at least one that includes a werewolf. You don’t have to be a werewolf to do this. You can have a werewolf friend or just have a werewolf story to tell. (I am one of the judges for this great contest. Click here to read about their contest.)

Ok so it’s not four million ways but it is ten + one pretty easy ways to enter and as you can see they are ways to help SOS keep on keeping on so thanks very much in advance for entering as often as you can. Plus if you manage to do all ten things, Graham says he’ll give a 10X bonus on the number of your tickets. 

*Additional Notes For Contest Sticklers: 

–> Points you can only earn once, for things like following on Twitter, will count for every weekly draw once you earn them, but points that can be earned many times, like comments and replies must be refreshed weekly for the next draw.

–> But all accumulated points for everything you do will go toward the final grand prize draw.

–>> Points accumulate Saturday to Friday Eastern Standard time. The points will be tabulated and the winners announced Saturday nights.

And if you read every word of this ENTIRE ANNOUNCEMENT? Tweet “@sethonsurvival Hey Seth I read the whole stinkin’ thing and I survived” and get another point!

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Four Million Day Keeping On Keeping On Contest Announcement

Another million lives saved?!? Who knew SOS would keep on keeping on so long? Certainly not Graham. Or Alex. And not even me. Truth be told I fully expected to be shambling through a hospital ward by now, groaning to myself about either brains, blood or bionics. (I just added that last one because it started with ‘b’. I never expected bionics. That would be way too awesome.)

Happy Four Million Day Contest Announcement

Happy Four Million Day Contest Announcement

Yet here we are. And it’s all thanks to you and all the other survivors who have stopped by to leave a survival report or a tip or two over the last million. It seems like only yesterday the mysterious Vampire A.A. and of course, Alex, were the only ones who survived to tell their tale on the site. Like only yesterday their very appearance left Graham a terrified mess on the closet floor, threatening to quit. Actually wait, that was yesterday. Huh. No wonder it seems that way.

I’ve learned a lot from all of you over the millions and we continue to work toward a better formula that will help everybody share comments and reports in easier ways, along with the right way to include survival reports in the show but as you probably know by now Survival is a process, not an end. And not a fast process at that with everybody just trying to beat the odds and keep alive. Which as long as you do that, everything else remains possible.

But enough about that. This was supposed to be about a contest right? And so it is! Graham and I have finally agreed on a format which you can read about by clicking here. The prizes come in multiples of four, so read all about it here. 

Also coming soon:

–>> Random memories of Survivors Past. There have been others as iconic as the Vampire A.A. I would send them all prizes except a) I still have a day job and could never afford that especially when b) I’m not sure they would still check that email. So the best I can do is memorialize them from time to time for everything they have taught me and believe they are still keeping on out there somewhere.


–>> Survivor of the Month

Happy Four Million Day Survivors. And thanks again for keeping on SOS with me, supernaturally.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Blob Monsters - The Monstrometer Report (New Video)

Join me as I examine the dangers posed by hideous blob monsters from outer space and how to survive them while making a new friend.


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

This Week In Survival March 08, 2014

Well Skynet has yet to crash my system where I’m hard at work now finishing the latest Monstrometer Report.


So good news This Week In Survival the world should be 13% safer from the threat of hideous blob monsters tonight – just in time for enslavement to the so-called Extreme Network and their terrifying Extreme Revolution.

Or not. Oh well, they say it won’t be all bad. Maybe I’ll finally get to finish my Minecraft Survival HQ and move in.

Meanwhile, let’s see who else is keeping on This Week In Survival. I’ll look back through the pages of the week that was and post some marginally helpy links below. Please follow them and pile on er join in wherever you want.

Thanks to everyone who contributed to SOS this week. You make survival worth keeping on.

Blob Monsters Among Us

–>> Finally done and uploaded  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnjwJ4HxTzk if you survive, please subscribe…

Phantom Phone Rings

–>> This report from Monstrology School & zombie plague survivor KENJI. What could be the cause? Is this the Extreme Revolution as REAPER suggests? What does it mean? You better check out what the HATTER has to say about that.  (Hey wow did the Hat man really warn us about this last week?)

–>> Have you too been slated for upload? How do you know? How can you either avoid – or ensure it. That’s my question for this week. If you have any tips please post them below.

Holy Family Reunions

–>> Casting for a new reality show reuniting demis with their Godparents. Sounds like a solid format to me. Contact THE REAPER here on his page for more info. Or really just hit reply to him anywhere on the site.

May Swift Tragedy Not Befall You In the Coming Days

–>> This disturbing message from A.P. officially takes the title of Most Backhanded Blessing Ever Blessed upon the site. Like saying, no offence but or don’t take this the wrong way it sort of sounds more like a curse. Well done Sir.

Don’t Bring Up The War

–>>This entry pre-empted by void chipmunks or Sat-Net.

Please stand by…


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Singularity Now Surrender to the Satellites

A dire warning appeared around the globe today, the satellites surrounding the earth have reached saturation, let the singularity begin.

Is this the beginning?

Is this the beginning?

The singularity as survivors are aware, is loosely defined as the point of technological progress at which our technology officially becomes smarter than us and the result is freaky and bad.

(I mean ALL of us. Not just your grandpa who officially gave up on his cell phone last year.)

The date for this auspicious event, originally predicted for 2045, has been moving ever closer, until at the last Singularity Summit, the clock was set to the year 2017.

But as this info-graphic warning clearly shows, the satellites have us surrounded and it’s only a matter of days before they take over.

The info-graphic was issued by a mysterious company calling itself Extreme Networks with an oddly incomprehensible website on which they claim to want to make, “an extreme difference in the world.” Their warning, clearly implied is simple – we control Skynet, surrender now.

Are these the claims of an overly confident communications company trying to scare up their stock price with big talk? Or is this the day my cell phone enslaves me to the refrigerator and Graham finally succeeds in uploading himself for all eternity?

I’m looking into that today. Until we know more, survivors are advised to unplug after reviewing singularity survival tips.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Ready At Rainbows End Leprechaun Survival Lessons From The Saddle Ridge Hoard

March is the month to reach a rainbow’s end and find some buried treasure but before you leap into leprechaun season take a tip or two from the experience of the Saddle Ridge Hoard finders, “John and Mary” who found ten million worth of gold coins in tin cans on their property and now risk losing it all back to leprechauns.

Ten million worth of gold coins found in rusty tin cans.

Ten million worth of gold coins found in rusty tin cans.

You probably know the story of John and Mary whose dog sniffed out a leprechaun trove of gold buried in rusty tins on their California property around this time of year.

Deeply disappointed to find no leprechaun, the dog quickly lost interest in the find while John and Mary realized immediately the danger of their discovery and levied many leprechaun security measures.

Today let’s take a look at these security measures and evalulate what John and Mary did right and wrong so you can be rainbow’s end ready for the March madness.

1. Don’t be Fooled By A Rusty Tin Can

That rusty can does not equal long forgotten. Make no mistake, if you are looking for or have found buried treasure, there is a leprechaun – maybe two – looking for you.  Sure we all know how old leprechauns like Forrest Fenn will forget exactly where they stashed their cash but they will never, ever forget to look for it. And look for it they do, in ingenious and devious ways.

Furthermore, most modern leprechauns use rust as a security measure. A little oxidization, dirt and decay on a container ensures that even the most valuable treasure can be hidden in plain sight. John and Mary say the treasure on their property was buried there in the 19th Century which matches the dates on the coins – but then why are they refusing to allow forensic analysis on the tin cans?

I’ll tell you why. Fear of Leprechauns who will use the info to claim the cash. In this case entirely justified and well handled. ✔

2. Bring Your Dog

Two reasons for this. One, dogs love leprechauns. They’re small and quick and give the best games of chase. Two, leprechauns generally hate dogs. Even if your dog can’t help you sniff out the gold like John and Mary’s dog did, when you do find it, he will keep away the leprechaun who is also looking for it and/or in the process of stashing it, for long enough at least you can unearth it all and drag it away.

Good move John and Mary. ✔✔

3. Never Reveal Your Real Name

The problem is this. Unless the stash you find is current cash – an unlikely scenario as leprechauns traditionally prefer gold – you will have to sell your haul on the open market. This means going public with your find but like Mary and John, don’t use your real name. Just as knowing a leprechaun’s real name can give you power over him or her, them knowing your real name gives them same.

So good job John and Mary or whatever your names really are, for immediately hiring a lawyer who is a trusted family friend to deal with taking your find public. ✔✔✔

Is David Hall really Walter Dimmick?

Is David Hall really Walter Dimmick?

4. Stay Away From Numismatists

You know what rhymes with “numismatist?” Yeah, that’s right hypnotist. Your numismatist probably won’t tell you how long he or she has also studied that gray art. Numismatist is really just another word for leprechaun. Oh they claim to be respected historical money-ologists who will help you sell your stash for a cut of the cash but put that together and everyone knows the truth. It’s a legal way for a leprechaun to reclaim their horde. And explains why numismatist is actually the number two cover “career” for a leprechauns after locksmith.

And this is where our John and Mary really fell down.  ✖ 

The couple have contacted and entrusted, not one but several numismatists, while more and more of them are circling the hoard everyday now.

John and Mary should have clued in when their numismatist Donald Kagin issued a statement saying, “They found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.”

Now competing numismatists aka: organized leprechuans are coming out of the word work to lay claim they know the origin of the hoard, including one very suspicious seeming numismatist who looks a lot like the one who first stole it and stashed it, a leprechaun who went by the name of Walter Dimmick in the 19th Century when he worked for the Federal Mint (below).

Is the Saddle Ridge Hoard really Walter Dimmick's stolen gold?

Is the Saddle Ridge Hoard really Walter Dimmick’s stolen gold?

Is Walter Dimmick back for his hoard and out to retrieve it the legal way as a so-called numismatist? Time will tell.

Meanwhile,  please don’t let this stop you from following your own rainbows. There may not be a tin of gold at the end of every last one of them and you won’t always get to the right end at the right time and you may have to deal with a gold-crazed leprechaun –  but at least now you’ll be ready.

Click here for more tips on dealing with leprechauns. 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Monstrometer Report: Kaiju and You

Should you adopt a Kaiju for a pet? Like me, you have likely been considering the question since science broke the news last week about the giant rats taking over the world, one island at a time. But please before you decide, watch the latest Monstrometer Report. The SPCA and I both thank you in advance.

If you haven’t been informed about the rats going Kaiju, you can  read about it here:  http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-news/return-giant-rats-get-ready )
Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS and the Monstrometer Reports. Get ready for an important Survivor of the Month announcement.
Mothra is almost like a bee..

Mothra is almost like a bee..

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Return of the Giant Rats Get Ready!

Once rats were bigger than bulls and weighed more than a ton and this week scientists say it’s happening again so are you ready for the rise of the giant rats?

Will the rats take over?

Giant Rats Rise Again – Businesses like this one hope to prosper.

Dr. Jan Zalasiewicz is making survival news this week with his prediction about the return of the giant rats. Super adaptable rats are prone to taking over whenever bigger mammals go extinct, he says and after becoming the dominant species they just get get bigger and bigger – even until they’re big as bulls again.

In fact Dr. Z says this is already happening on hundreds of small islands around the world where the rats already rule, for example South Georgia Island in Antarctica which has been held by the rats for decades now.

Once the rats solidify power on these small islands, they begin evolving in size and specialization, from really fast to super strong to even underwater rat types, says Dr. Z. So how long do we really have until they outgrow their island strongholds and come for the rest of the earth?

It’s only a matter of time survivors, before these giant rats set sail for the continents. Recall just last week Britain warned the world about a cannibal rat ship heading for its shores.

So with giant rats on the rise again, will you be ready?

You will if you keep on keeping on here at SOS . I’m looking into this and more for my next video, Kaiju and You.  Meanwhile, it’s never too soon to be giant rat ready:

3 Giant Steps to Giant Rat Readiness

1. A giant rat trap begins with a giant block of cheese, preferably something with a giant smell like Lindberger to catch their interest and keep them busy. So don’t wait, start accumulating and rotting your cheese yours today.

2. While the rat is busy with the cheese, uncage your giant house cat and watch the giant fur balls fly. Don’t have a giant house cat yet? Don’t worry. Dr. Zalasiewicz says there will be lots of giant house cats around soon as they too are evolving to take over the planet from the larger extinct mammals.

Once your giant cat is out of its cage, get out of the way and watch from a SAFE distance until the dust settles.

3.  Re-cage your giant cat with a giant trough of catnip and lock it up tight until the next time. Now you might be tempted to get a giant dog to help control your giant cat and although Dr. Z says this too will soon be possible, that would be a giant mistake. Unless you want to come home to a giant pile of rubble at the end of the day, stick with your kaiju kitty.

But before you adopt your first kaiju kitty from the giant SPCA, be sure and watch my upcoming video, Kaiju and You, out on the full moon.


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Introducing The Monstrometer Report

Hail Survivors,

I’m happy to announce on this fine full moon the survival of the first video in my new series, The Monstrometer Report,  a show that covers the supernatural survival news and views unfolding here on the site and around the world.

In this one, the burning question that should be on your mind anytime a fireball falls to Earth or even when you take out the trash: Am I living In An alien zoo? And if so, what to do?

Do you live in an alien zoo?

Do you live in an alien zoo?


Thanks to everyone for helping SOS keep on keeping on and especially for helping out with the site so I could make the new videos. You know who you are: Survivors of the Month, Hall of Famers and everyone who continues to share their supernatural advice and experiences here at SOS.  Long may you keep on keeping on, supernaturally.


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

What's New in Monstrometer 3.0

Hail Survivors!

The new long-awaited update to the Monstrometer is finally here.  See below for a tease of the new features.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on!


Get it on the App Store! https://itunes.apple.com/app/monstrometer/id335896676

New features and a redesigned interface to help you keep on keeping on.
Now a universal app for iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch – Optimized for 4″ tall iPhone screens, 3.5″ iPhone screens and iPad.
Updated for iOS7 (also supports iOS 6 and iOS 5) – (if you have iOS 3 or iOS 4 you can still download version 2.2)
Retina Display support with higher resolution graphics throughout.

A nearly 0.01% increase in scan sensitivity.
Now over 12.8% more accurate diagnosis
30+ new interrogation questions
Easier access to stats, monsters and links.
Easy access to all SOS supernatural survival resources (web site, videos, ebooks, apps and supernatural survival diagnostic tools).

New Lunar Phase tracker to help you survive

Watch HD videos from within the app!

Modernized code for improved performance, compatibility and stability.



by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is now available for iPhone and iPod Touch

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf CoverThe day you and I have waited for is finally here. Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is now available for iPhone and iPod Touch (also iPad).

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf is an interactive ebook detailing the adventures of survivor Archie Hartigan.

From Seth On Survival comes a new adventure with video annotation by Supernatural Survivologist Seth Greening!

Archie Hartigan was the foremost authority on Supernatural Suvivology in his hometown, until an encounter with a real-life werewolf turns him into the one thing he hates the most – a monster! As Archie is thrust into a world of ancient secret societies, high-functioning zombies and horrors from beyond the veil of time and space, he learns that just because you’re a monster doesn’t mean you can’t also be a hero.

Here is a link to Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf for iPhone and iPod Touch (also works on iPad):


Requirements: This version of Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf requires iBooks 1.3.1 or later and iOS 4.3.3 or later. Can only be viewed using iBooks on an iPad, iPhone (3G or later), or iPod touch (2nd generation or later).

You can also get the Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf - Special Edition for iPad with extra interactivity.


Requirements: This version can only be viewed using iBooks 3.0 or later on an iPad. iOS 5.1 or later is required.

Archie Hartigan and the Frost Wolf will soon be available on other platforms as well.


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

This Week In Survival July 20, 2014

After a full week dealing with celebrities who want to be werewolves, and demons, somehow we appear to have survived.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS

Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS

Without further ado let’s see what’s happening on the pages of SOS this week, who is surviving and how and how and why.

Thanks for everyone who keeps on keeping on with SOS during the soggy Dog Days of summer…

Mogenstern Is Back…

–>> He’s got ICE on the ropes after an acid attack by SOTM RB. Did the MATRIX-REAPER help him survive? Or make it worse?

Wanted: Transformation Dust

–>> LEAFPOOL is looking. Did you know there were three kinds? I did not but now I do: star, shadow and bone dust. Follow the green link to read LEAF’s description about the 3 kinds of transformation dust here and please reply if you know of a provider.

Looking For Work

–>> CHAOS ALPHA looking for a mission. You can read CHAOS’ CV here. You might want to explain your situation pretty clearly though. He just got out of a coma, although his armour appears intact.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Dangerous Werewolf Diet Turning Hollywood Celebs Into Lycans

The Dog Days full moon always brings a record number of new lycans into packs around the world, but his year a dangerous new diet fad brings the new scary prospect of aging Hollywood celebs devoted to following the so-called werewolf diet wolfing out around the world.

Is dangerous werewolf diet turning aging Hollywood celebs into lycans?
Is dangerous werewolf diet turning aging Hollywood celebs into lycans?

Sources report that a strange new diet called the Werewolf Diet gaining popularity among older Hollywood celebs like Madonna and Demi Moore hoping to regain their youthful strength and vigour may actually be turning them into werewolves.

“Instead of eating normal food, on the full moon she starts drinking this stuff,” says Janice W.  former assistant to Madonna. “And then things start to get weird…”

According the website Moon Connection the drink in question is just juice and there’s no need to be alarmed but her former assistant is not so sure.

“Then how do you explain her change in behaviour? As the moon rises, she gets grumpier and grumpier until finally she just locks herself away.”

Lycanthropologists point out this is classic behaviour for a werewolf but according to one, Dr. Dominicus Van Buran, it’s still unclear if the drink is an effort to trigger a transformation or actually a desperate attempt to forestall one.

“If the drinks contain extract of lupin and/or colloidal silver this could actually be a diet designed to prevent an unwanted transformation,” states the Doctor. “However if it contains a lycanthroporous extracts directly from a living donor, it could indeed be a misguided attempt to become a werewolf.”

Until we know what exactly is in the drinks it’s impossible to know. Smart survivors will be on the lookout for celebrity werewolves this full moon.

3 Signs You Could Be Facing a Celebrity Werewolf

1. Big, Blingy Teeth And Nails

Celebrity werewolves allegedly prefer to avoid full wolf form so they can retain the expensive gemstones in their dental work and manicures. So if you are facing a blingy werewolf in wolf man form this full moon, it could be somebody famous.

However as ultimate transformation control is generally only an achievement of an experienced werewolf, this can result in a trail of gemstones left behind by a new werewolf celebrity so also keep your eyes open for a trail of diamonds.

2. Fashionable Full Moon Gear

While most werewolves prefer to save their human clothing and go au natural into the full moon, celebrity werewolves invest a lot of time and money into form-fitting transformation gear. So if you spot a werewolf wearing high-tech yoga pants, hold your laughter. At least long enough to snap a selfie with them.

3. Beware Their Lean and Rangy Look

Because celebrity werewolves go into their transformation so hungry, they are especially dangerous. The diet – or failed diet – that brought them to this point makes them even more dangerous than average, especially to their pets but also to anyone else they encounter. At this point you can’t count on a mere muffin to protect you. It’s going to take a juicy steak or a medium sized pet. If you don’t have either handy, asking for an autograph can buy you some time, but be prepared for a fight. Start by reviewing the werewolf survival tips here on SOS and elsewhere on the Internet including yourlupinelife.com.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

This Week In Survival, July 6 2014

What a great week. After Ariana Grande’s trick of sleeping on the left side of the bed, I can conclusively state that SOS has been stalked by nearly 51.4% fewer demons, according to VELANKO.  So far so good.

Except  now I miss the demons. You’re never lonely with a demon in your life. Think I’ll end this July 4 long weekend with a midnight visit to Stull Cemetery.

(And for those of you who may have wondered and others of you who haven’t, as a card carrying dual national USA-CAN I observe both July 4 and July 1 which makes this week a biiiig party for me!)

Searching for Satanic Flies at Stull Cemetery

Searching for Satanic Flies at Stull Cemetery

But it’s past time now to check the back pages of SOS This Week In Survival to find out who is still demonizing the pages.

666 mg 

–>> This photo from ALEX answered the question most frequently posed by Satanic insects, “What if we wore masks to the grocery store?”

Morgenstern v Lilith

–>> Did I mention I missed the demons? Maybe I poke too soon. MORGENSTERN is back and you won’t believe who’s his daddy. Read the buzz on his ongoing battle with LILITH Spoiler alert: don’t call her a demon unless you’re prepared for the result. LILITH is armed and dangerous with a most unusual weapon.

–>> Is LILITH really preparing more Mutts from Mr. Mutt’s DNA? Why does that sound okay to me?

–>> REAPER has a risky plan. I don’t blame ICE for not going with it.

Hunting the Hunters

–>> CHAOS and VELANKO on the trail of a hunter clan. Hunter WWs or WW hunters? I need to clarify before the full moon.

Dog Days Dawning

–>> This reminder from ICE to be ready. This year they bring more than werwolves…

–>> Start your own Dog Days preparation planning by following the link.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

3 Signs of Demon Danger from Singer Stalked by Satan

A singer stalked by Satan serves her top three tips on how to know if a demon is stalking you.

Pop/R&B singer Ariana Grande says she has been stalked by Satan since taking a trip to a Kansas City cemetery.

Singer says she is stalked by Satan.

Singer says she is stalked by Satan.

“Stull Cemetery is known as one of the seven gates of Hell on Earth,” claimed the singer in a recent interview. “The Pope won’t fly over it.”

So of course she drove there at midnight. And while in the car she noticed three signs that Satan had been alerted to her presence.  A highly probable scenario to me since pop stars are considered prime targets by infernal forces skilled at identifying humans most likely to part with their souls for a song.

And so I submit, for your consideration, the three signs of demon stalking as related by Ariana:

Sign #1: Bad Smell

Ariana says that on approaching the gate, the whole car filled with the smell of sulphur, a sure sign of a nearby portal – or natural hotspring. Or both.

Also a reminder to survivors everywhere about the importance of eating an appropriate egg-free breakfast prior to portal spelunking.

Sign #2: A Fly In The Car

A persistent fly appeared in the car and began to buzz strange ideas into everyone’s heads. Ideas like, “What if we wore masks into the grocery store?”

Ariana rolled down the window to release the fly and apologized to the disrupted demons but there is no evidence this worked. The fly follows her everywhere now, buzzing in her ear and reporting back to its demon master on her every move.

Sign #3: Shadowy Faces in Photos

The singer says she took a photo in which three shadowy faces appeared. “Faces of textbook demons,” as she described them. Textbook demons may not sound as dangerous as say, Fulcalorian flesh flayers, but as someone who had a physics textbook fall on his head in the year 2000, I can tell you, they most certainly are. In fact, textbook demons are the number one reason most schools have moved away from the use of textbooks.

Ariana says that she immediately deleted the photo of these textbook demons, which was a terrifying 666 megabytes, but she did not immediately dispose of any textbooks in her car so it is highly likely the next time she goes to work on a math sum, the demons will return.

Since returning from her trip the singer reports disturbing dreams with a lot of  terrifying”red shapes,” in them. The dreams, however, appear to go away if she sleeps on the left side of her bed.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

This Week In Survival, June 29, 2014

From the land of electric fish and barbecue powered moonlight towers that beckon the supernatural from near and far, This Week In Survival is back.

Austin_Moontower_at_Night Thanks to everyone who survived with SOS. Let’s take a look back through the week that was and see what went down on the pages…

Reaper’s New Ride

–>>Look who put his pale horse out to pasture. REAPER vows to pick up Hitchbot but what will be the effect of plugging him into his infernal ride?

Graham Have You Checked the Mod Filter Lately?

–>>Cuz it seems a little sentient tonight… not to mention poetic. This is never good…

Chaotica Conference Convened

–>> On the solstice. Follow the link to register with CHAOS ALPHA or at just read the proceedings.

Morgenstern Alert

–>> He seems to be mainly stalking trapped SoTM RB but claims to be a friend of ICE. His end game remains unclear although LILITH, is trying to determine it. Until we know more survivors are advised to remain on alert.

What’s Wrong With a Wand Anyway?

–>> VELANKO found one but he doesn’t seem happy about using it. What else would you do you do when you find a wand?

Anyone Call a Doctor?

–>> He calls himself DR. WOLF and he appears to make site calls…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

The Biting Game Is Luis Suarez a Cannibal, Zombie, Vampire or a Werewolf?

Supernaturally suspicious minds this week want to know, is soccer superstar and serial footballer biter Luis Suarez a vampire, cannibal, werewolf or some kind of high-functioning zombie?

Why does Luis Suarez bite once a year?

Why does Luis Suarez bite once a year?

As you likely already know, Uroguay’s striker Suarez chomped on Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during Tuesday night’s game making this the third suspicious biting incident for that player in as many years.

The incident on Tuesday helped Uroguay to win the game 1-0 and also quietly made a lot of cash for a few supernaturally smart gamblers who bet that it would happen.

And now for the debate. Previously branded a vampire and a cannibal by many in the media, including SOTM Agent RB, SOS readers may recall that I diagnosed him as a werewolf here on the site last year.

But this time many sports psychologists are leaning toward a new diagnosis – a kind of high-functioning zombie.  Let’s take a bite at the theories:

Theory #1: Suarez is a cannibal

Dubbed the ‘Cannibal of Ajax’ by the media after the first time he bit another player in the Netherlands in 2010 this initial diagnosis seemed highly probable to the world. He was after all playing for the Dutch at the time, a country almost as famous for its high profile cannibals as for its tulips.

On top of that, readers of SOS may recall 2010 as the year of the great global cannibal capsule confederacy when performance enhancing supplements containing human body parts were being exported from Asia to athletes and health-conscious cannibals around the world.

Proponents of this theory point out that Suarez tends to bite later in the game ie: after the 70 minute mark when hunger overcomes him and also that he tends to bite on the meaty drumsticks of his victims.

Detractors of this theory however point out that Suarez does not seem to chew and or swallow the most reliable indicator of cannibalism.

Was Suarez on the cannibal cookies? Possibly put on one of these supplements by a Dutch trainer?


Some say he's a vampire

Some say he’s a vampire

Theory #2: Suarez is a vampire

When Suarez bit Serbian footballer Branislav Ivanovic, the media had a new diagnosiss – vampire. The logic here is simple. It was a night game on a new moon and the Serbian player Suarez bit is related to one of the most famous real vampires in the modern world, the homeless vampire, Sava Savanovic who held the whole country captive after his home collapsed. If Suarez was not in fact a vampire before biting Ivanovic, he certainly would be afterward – or so the logic goes.

Theory #3: Suarez is a werewolf

Yes, this was my theory and it really never caught on even after I did such a supernaturally good job photoshopping that image of Suarez howling at the moon. My reasoning here was simple. Suarez has a known anger management issue and after biting Ivanovic in 2013, he limped off the field in dramatic fashion, exactly like a werewolf fighting off an unexpected transformation.

Critics of my theory claimed Suarez was faking an injury to detract from his deed and that no smart werewolf would bite another player and then leave him alive. I could never really argue with the last point  - although I tried hard enough with extensive research into lycan marking behaviours. But this much remains true,  nobody really knows to this day how Ivanovic spent the next full moon before going on to play the best year of his career after Suarez bit him.

Theory #4: Suarez is a high functioning zombie

This newest theory brought to you by sports psychologists follows the latest incident in Brazil and answers one question on everyone’s mind. With the whole world already onto him supernaturally speaking, why can’t Suarez just keep his teeth to himself?

It’s all in the brain stem, they argue. ZSE highjacks the brain and cuts Suarez off from his higher functioning. He can’t control himself because he has no access to his higher brain anymore. So how do they explain Suarez’s lightning fast reflexes and famous trash-talking face? Well, that’s the high functioning part, they argue.

Those are the the theories, Survivors. Everything you need to make up your own mind. Many thanks to Agent R.B. for bringing the story to my attention and to everyone else who has kept on keeping on this week while SOS HQ moved to its new secret location. Look for This Week In Survival to return again on Saturday.


by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com