I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.
An Icelandic member of parliament who claims some beautiful elves saved his life, is now wanted for elfnapping in the third degree by Álfaskólinn, the Icelandic School for Elves.
Árni Johnsen says his life was saved by an elf stone in 2010, when a terrible accident completely destroyed his car but left him completely unharmed.
The first thing Arni saw when he got out of the smashed car was a very large, mysterious boulder by the side of the road. Arni instantly fell in love with the rock.
An SOS 99.98% truer-than-true story:
Arni Johnsen fell in love with the elves in this rock.
For months after the crash, Arni would not leave the rock alone. His friends and neighbors debated what do do. He talked to the rock. He ate with the rock. He slept with the rock.
Finally on the advice of a friend, Arni consulted with television personality Ragnhildur Johnsdottir, a so-called elf expert who advised Arni that the magic rock contained three generations of beautiful elves living inside it and that maybe he should just take them all home with him. And maybe have a shower already.
But Magus Skarphedinsson, principal of the Icelandic School For Elves, says this is the worst advice Arni could have ever received. Read on!
Helpy Elf Tip: Did you know that elves like honey?
Well neither did I. But Arni Johnsen kept the elves quiet during the long journey on the truck by feeding them scoops of honey and providing a bed of sheep skin.
Arni Johnsen says he fell in love with the elves who saved him.
An SOS 99.98% True Story: An alien entrepreneur named Greg W. Nemitz is angry this week as NASA refuses to pay an overdue parking ticket for landing on his asteroid in 2001.
Alien Homesteader Gregory Nemitz Wants Nasa to Pay Parking
Gregory W. Nemitz claims that NASA parked a probe on his homestead, a near-Earth asteroid known as 433 Eros and now owes him over 10 years worth of parking fees.
“The prices are clearly posted… see? Right here,” said Mr. Nemitz pointing to a spot in the image.
Mr. Nemitz says he charges a very reasonable rate for parking on his potato-shaped homeland, just 20 cents a year.
“Parking on other asteroids can cost you and arm and a leg. Literally. On 2063 Bacchus they only accept arms and legs as payment.”
With NASA’s parking bill now over 20 dollars and 2012 budget cuts at NASA, will this irate alien come to collect on earth in the near future?
Worse will he hire an interplanetary collection crew to do it for him? If so, will they stop at twenty dollars?
The law in this area is far from clear. Earthlings who experience any unwanted contact with Extra-terrestrial debt collectors are advised to contact their nearest Space Lawyer, asap.
Grisly news from Seoul, South Korea this week. A load of pills advertised as healthy food supplements turned out to be capsules for cannibals.
Read on for the good news and the bad news about cannibal pills. Another SOS true story, 99.98% guaranteed.
Capsules for Cannibals Discovered in Seoul South Korea
The South Korean customs agency says pills containing children’s body parts were being smuggled into the country in suitcases and parcels from China.
But the Chinese government denies being behind the horrific cannibal capsules.
“I want to reassure everyone in the world community there are absolutely no cannibals in China,” says Health Ministry spokeman Deng Haihua.
“We ate them all.”
So then who is making these cannibal pills and why?
Well, nobody is jumping up to take responsibility but rumors of cannibal activity have surfaced everywhere.
“I’m so scared,” says 11 year-old Connor B. “My mom tried to give me Baby Aspirin. But is it made with real babies? Think about it. ‘Childrens’ pain relievers? Made with real childrens!”
Have modern cannibals given up their fire pits and big iron pots for a more socially-acceptable appearing food source?
Until we know more, Survivors are advised to be on the lookout for these cannibal pills, which are often blue, green or red and white. If you do see one, report it immediately. A mysterious pill in somebody’s home or on their person, could be a clue you are dealing with a cannibal. Get out of there as fast as you can.
Conversely can a simple baby aspirin stop a cannibal in his tracks? If you find yourself in a tight spot with one of them, try tossing them a Baby Aspirin and then run like heck.
Boy's mom tries to give baby aspirin. Is it made with real babies?
Here’s the first clue to the Survivor of the Month for the Dragon Moon, 2012:
Do you recognize this Survivor of the Month?
1. Είμαι με κανένα τρόπο αυτοκτονίας, αλλά να κάνω έντονα την επιθυμία να είναι με την αγάπη μου και πάλι.
2. Is a vegetarian who loves meat ice cream.
3. Has braces in human form but transforms regularly with no additional pain or difficulty
4. A rare, 100% werewolf turned white demon wolf with red eyes:
By now you’ve probably guessed, this Survivor of the Month is Wolf Princess!
The Harrowing Tale (And Red Eyes & White Fur & Braces) Of a Wolf Princess:
Wolf Princess is a rare, 100% werewolf of suspected genetic origin. She first came here with a simple question, should I join a pack? Or remain a lone wolf?
Wolf Princess revealed that she had been spending her moons alone in the yard. For safety, she instructed her sister to lock her out of the house. Then she roamed the neighborhood trying to avoid contact with others, particularly humans with cameras. But it wasn’t working. Somebody eventually snapped a photo. She found it on the Internet and the other survivors had to talk her out of taking revenge on the photographer.
Shortly after this, Wolf Princess built her own secret crib so she could avoid these situations.
Unfortunately, before she could even use this new crib for the first time, there was a rash of A-51 attacks on the site that caught a lot of survivors, including Wolf Princess. She was caught mid-transformation and collared with a silver collar.
(This attack caused a lot of survivors to question the level of the security of the site and remains to this day the single biggest reason for the no names, no ages, no real locations policy!)
Wolf Princess managed to fight off her attackers but was trapped mid-transformation, half-human, half-wolf. Very embarrassing. Her sister hid her until she could figure out how to get out of the silver collar.
Desperate Wolf Princess tried everything to get it off, right down to the tried-and-true throw-yourself-against-the-wall maneuver.
Nothing worked. Finally another survivor on the site, Goddess of Fate, a demi-god who used to grace us with her presence sometimes, gave Wolf Princess a sword of celestial bronze. Well it worked and Wolf Princess carries it to this day.
Understandably, after this early A-51 encounter, Wolf Princess changed. Her fur went all white as a result of the stress. But there were more changes to come for Wolf Princess.
Needing a holiday after her terrible transformation, she agreed to a dream-cation with the enigmatic Night Wolf, a friendly demon wolf who used to check in sometimes.
Night Wolf and Wolf Princess met in Times Square in their dreams one night – but only one of them returned. And it wasn’t Night Wolf.
In fact, Night Wolf was never heard from again. And we don’t know the full details of what happened that night. Maybe Wolf Princess will never tell us. But that night changed her even further. Now her eyes glowed red and she too was a demon wolf. What really happened that night, Wolf Princess? Will you ever tell?
Either way, the Princess brought back souvenirs for everyone so that was nice. Although you can only claim them in your dreams. (I’m still looking for mine. Last night I looked behind the balloon clown who stole my teeth. He didn’t have it.)
Anyway it turned out to be a good thing, because Wolf Princess needed every power she could muster for the next attack. A pack of creatures surrounded her house one night. They almost killed her and her family and destroyed her home. She thought it was A-51 again but later discovered it was not A-51 at all but it turned out to be a pack of hell hounds sent out by somebody unknown. Did this have anything to do with her new demon powers? We still don’t know.
Wolf Princess brought her family to Bebe’s aunty’s home and it turned out to be a trap. Not one laid by Bebe, but by her annoyingly dangerous warlock brother Spark. Anyway something good came out of this – Time Kitsune saved Wolf Princess’ life and a different spark was ignited between them. Wolf Princess was no longer a lone wolf.
But the partnership of TK and Wolf Princess had many ups and downs. Understandably it was difficult. Kitsune and werewolves do not normally pair up. They seemed to attract danger to each other. Maybe it was the matching collars they wore to track each other at all times, no matter where they were in the universe.
When TK was eventually killed in battle against Zanthre trying to free Wolf Princess who was being used as a weapon against Ice, Wolf Princess was devastated.
After Bebe healed Wolf Princess and told her everything, it broke her heart. Things got very sad around here for a while as Wolf Princess tried everything she could to resurrect TK, every spell she could get her hands on or that Alex could give her. Survivors might remember how a Tear Drinker visited the site several times during this time.
Not even Mr. Jaffa’s fluffy bunny spell could cheer her up. Her demon wolf side began to infect her human side and her eyes glowed red now even in human form. The other kids started to tease her and she had to lock herself into her crib to control herself:
And another thing. Some analysis by Zyboragon revealed evidence of dangerous chemical in her system. Then in her next transformation, Wolf Princess discovered wings. Which I don’t have to tell you makes her dangerously close to the WWs who hunt angels. How did it happen? A healing spell gone wrong? Or back to Night Wolf?
Meanwhile Alex was finally able to ressurect TK in Supreme Fire’s body but only long enough for Wolf Princess to say goodbye. Supreme Fire also gave her TK’s old collar, the one that used to lead them to each other.
Wolf Princess was later relieved to learn then that TK was not dead but dimension-shifted, so although sometimes they can still communicate, they can’t see each other.
Despite this, Wolf Princess has become a great survivor. She dotes on little TK and has lots of good advice for A-51 battle strategy and rage control techniques. She’s a fierce defender of other survivors and well-deserved survivor of the month!
Thanks to Wolf Princess and to everyone here who contributed to survival this month!
2. On first glance he may look like an ordinary human, but once you see him lick his elbow, you’ll be turned onto the fact that he may not be so human after all.
3. He is a dedicated student and occasionally has to take breaks away from the site to make sure that he gets all his schoolwork done to the highest standard.
4. He is very passionate about cyborg-human relations and the rights of a cyborg to be religious, and experience human qualities.
As most of you already guessed that this month’s Survivor of the Month is our very own: P5T5R!! Congratulations!
A few of our favorite P5T5R moments:
“Cyborgs can be religious. We know someone made the electronic part of us and so it’s easy to believe that someone made the rest too.”
“Can I still haiku?
Or must we not continue
See what I can do.
I’d love to do more
I love to rhyme and haiku
Please let me join you.”
“Now you are one of us and we stick by each other just ask anyone. No one is left behind and someone experienced and knowledgable can always be there for you.”
“A more loyal, dedicated, devoted, kind, courageous, and passionate group than us you probably won’t find.”
P5T5R came to Seth on Survival and tested out the Monstrometer, finding that he was, in fact, a cyborg. He went on to find out that while he had a layer of human skin, underneath he was a robotic entity. His ability to lick his elbow was one of the first indicators that he was perhaps a little more than human.
Since that time, P5T5R has been extremely helpful in providing ideas and feedback for Seth about how the site can be more efficient and helpful to new monsters, as well as often offering tips on incidents that may be cyborg related. In fact, this whole survivor profile thing was P5t5r’s idea.
(So did he use his cyborg powers on my Hat App??? That’s a question only he can answer.)
P5t5r has taken up the cause of cyborg rights, and when put to trial, please not-guilty on treating one race better than the other. (You can follow that trial here: http://sethonsurvival.com/monstrometer/werewolves/comment-page-86#comment-134234 ) And by the way: We support you P5T5R – we know you are passionate about equality.
P5T5R is not a cyborg bent on destroying human kind, and rather spends his time helping, encouraging, and keeping the peace between all of our super-natural beings, and the humans that love them. The one thing P5T5R hates is being left out, especially when he has so many skills to help.
Though he often sticks closely to his areas of expertise on the Cyborg Page, P5T5R has been known to branch out and visit the other pages, providing insights and responses.
May 03-2012: It’s here: Supermoon Saturday. The Dragon Moon rises, bringing with it Draconian events.
As most survivors here know, a “supermoon” occurs when the moon’s perigee, that is when it swings closest to the earth, coincides with a full or new moon phase, resulting in a full moon that is about 12% bigger than average.
Supermoons have been identified as cosmic contributers to numerous global events and disasters, including recently, the sinking of the Titanic. The theory holds that an extra-strength supermoon tide caused a fleet of icebergs to break loose unexpectedly, including the one that sunk Titanic.
However, these astronomers are missing one very important fact – this Supermoon falls on the Dragon Moon. In fact, it falls on the Dragon Moon, in the Year of the Dragon. That’s a lot of dragons. Coincidence?
Well yes. No. Maybe. Partly. But just because it’s a cosmic coincidence, doesn’t mean it won’t be epic. Dragons already out of their caves in searching for treasure and trouble will be out in full force.
One thing is sure, there will be two new Survivors of the Month. This month honors go to two survivors: one Survivor of the Month and one Hall of Fame Survivor. I’ll be posting clues about their identities all night long and then as agreed, reveal them tomorrow in order to not distract anyone from their full moon survival plan.
If you figure it out you can leave hints but please don’t give it away!
Remember Survivors of the Month are picked in a semi-random way. We just total up helpful comments and put them into the Hat App, then spin the wheel. If it’s not you this month, please just keep on keeping on. Prizes are miniscule and survival is always a win!
If you, like me, have been receiving dozens of mysterious emails written in a strange script this month, read on.
They started coming on April 01. At first I thought, an alien Nigerian scam. Graham’s idea of an April Fool’s joke. Maybe don’t send your bank account # this year – even if it IS empty.
So I ignored them. But the emails didn’t stop coming. Sometimes I received several of them a day. Then out of the blue, an email from Enron(Nytmare), a well known draconian here on the site, who sent me the following, the Rosetta stone of Draconic script.
When I used Enron’s key to translate the emails I had been receiving, it turns out most of them are taking me to task for ignoring Draconian Month, which apparently is April. And also telling me that Friday the 13th is a Dragon Day as well. And here I thought a whole year was enough. Draconians. I should have known.
Anyway, here it is, the key to all those mysterious draconian cave etchings and secret messages:
Zombies are a significant threat to survival and so you need the best information possible to keep on keeping yourself un-undead. So below I present to you a valuable zombie survival tool, the Seth On Survival Zombie Month episodes. Each episode is only about 4 minutes long but is packed with valuable zombie survival information so do yourself a favour and have a look.
As many of you know, I recently went on location to interview a suspected genetic werewolf in his werewolf containment facility or crib.
Like many suspected werewolves, Louis Pine was puzzled about his lycanthropy status after failing to transform under the full moon. He wrote into SOS asking for advice and many of you responded with helpy werewolf hints and tips.
So when he invited me to help him document his lupine life, what could I say? He even had his own camera. I could not refuse. I set my GPS and hit the road.
I travelled to meet Louis this summer in his crib and well *SPOILER ALERT* I survive. I can’t say the same for anyone else.
Also if anyone knows the current WERE-abouts of the survivor known as “Louis,” please contact the site ASAP. He’s been MIA for several months now and lots of people are really worried about him.
Graham is helping me finish Louis’ videos to show on the site. I expect to be posting them in the next few weeks. Until then here’s part of my interview with Louis Pine, suspected werewolf:
Friends of the site and survivors everywhere, Pauzzis97, has just raised a very interesting point, can having braces on your teeth prevent a werewolf from transforming? Are braces a tool used by worried parents to prevent kids from wolfing out?
Her question really got me thinking and it occurred to me that I don’t know the answer to that one. So I am putting it out to all of you. Please vote in the poll below with your answer and I’ll put the result into the next update of The Monstrometer. If you have additional information or comments then please leave a comment in the comment section below.
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While I was thinking about this I realized that Louis Pine has braces. Could that be the reason he didn’t transform? Take a look at the video and let me know what you think. In the meantime I am going to be looking for a werewolf orthodontist to ask.
“Hey you guys. Zyboragon,The One,and Time Kitsume this is not the time to fight each other let’s just get through this you can kill each other later if we survive.”
and this one is great too:
“You feel guilty because you’re good. If your evil you would feel nothing or superior.Eating ice cream and cookies always makes me feel better.You?”
and this one:
“How did I get here? Where am I? Why am I wearing bowling shoes?”
Ten Fun Facts about this Survivor:
1. Has a potion to make platanium clothing & armor. (That’s platinum + titanium. Not to be confused with PLANTAINIUM which is made from bananas.)
2. Holidays in the Kingdom of Sleep and can sometimes bring items from there into the real world because of a deal made by one of her ancestors.
3. As Mr. Mutt learned the hard way, you should NEVER lend this survivor your favorite book.
4. Can sometimes summon Supreme Fire from a ring.
5. Can make WW Scarly go invisible for days with no ability to touch anything.
6. Is a dagger expert, always reminds you to find the original sheath because their magic works together.
7. Once had a cyborg chauffeur. That didn’t work out very well.
8. Went on a vampire cruise with a bunch of other survivors… on purpose. Needless to say, regretted it.
9. Taught us all the hard way the dangers of roses, mysterious unattended bags and…
10. Loves blood orange and er, cat blood ice cream and cupcakes. (Please don’t call the SPCA. I have enough trouble from the zombie rights activists.)
Okay enough clues. If you haven’t guessed it by now the first Survivor of the Month is: Bebe.
WHY BEBE NEEDS A VACATION…
(And why you should think twice before going on one with her!)
It would be almost impossible to summarize everything Bebe has survived in the last few months. But I will try to hit some of the highlights. Please help correct the record in the comments below if I get it wrong.
First, the key to understanding Bebe. She is first and foremost a ninth generation witch, on her mother’s side. When she’s not saving your life, she’s getting you killed. She can heal you with spells that use bronze dust, vervain and simple salt among other ingredients.
She has a crystal wand and if you give her 777 ingredients and help her to crush some gems, she can make you a nice daywalker ring. (Just beware because unlike some witches, Bebe doesn’t make them subtle. She believes you need some bling in that ring.) It’s her job to tend the foyer and the Yule Log in the Great Witches Hall.
(Of course we also know this didn’t stop Bebe from getting Mr. Mutt’s rare book of survival spells destroyed. Did she really copy & destroy it to save it? And where did she hide the pieces? But that’s another story which Alex sums up here.)
So how did Bebe end up as a quasi demonic vamp witch?
Well the record shows something going very wrong with the ninth generation of her family. Maybe an ancient deal or a truce or curse of judgement between one of her ancestors and a Vampire’s council known as the GVVC? We don’t know.
What is clear, is that a mysterious vampire family named Damion came to claim Bebe’s sister Vee and then later Bebe herself as an unwilling bride.
A team of survivors helped Bebe to escape Damion’s clutches a couple of times but unfortunately her sister Vee died in the process. And Bebe herself was not unscathed. Her sister Vee managed to bite her and it wasn’t long before Bebe’s comments devolved into the first of about a million….soooo thirsty! posts.
Also, her hair turned temporarily blue, her fingernails silver and she woke up wearing bowling shoes. Can we blame Damion for the bowling shoes? Unclear. The good news is that Damion was finally defeated.
Unfortunately, Bebe’s little brother Spark, himself a crazy maze-making sorcerer is a sworn enemy of the vampires. Spark is the kind of guy who would trade his own kids for a dragonscale suit. In fact that’s exactly what he did. He also did not appreciate his sister being a vampire and now with Damion defeated, Bebe had to worry about her brother Spark instead. Could things get any worse?
Well yes. They did. In particular recall the Zanthre incident. Survivors on the site launched an offensive against this demonic trouble maker who can cage you forever with your own shadow. It was a massive offensive, attracting a mysterious Soul Eater named Soulgard who joined the fray just to clean up the soul mess.
Then things went wrong. In the heat of battle, Bebe ended up fighting with Soulgard for her soul even though she wasn’t even dead. Bebe made a dangerous deal for her soul. She offered to recover defeated Damion’s soul and give that to Soulgard in exchange. This lead Bebe on a dangerous journey to recover Damion’s soul, which she trapped in a crystal around her neck and returned to the battle. But the battle against Zanthre was heating up and suddenly Bebe needed to do something else with Damion’s soul.
To save her own life and increase her strength, Bebe swallowed the crystal containing Damion’s soul. This helped defeat Zanthre, but it left Bebe with a stomachache and some very questionable demonic powers. And what will happen to her if Soulgard ever comes back to claim the soul crystal?
There are lots of other exciting incidents and battles. A cyborg chauffeur briefly turned her into Bebe Bot. (Let’s not even talk about her demon twins TK and Zyborgana, it just makes Wolf Princess upset.) And she has really bad luck with roses. Around Bebe they always turn into something bad. Think fairies that take over your home. Or worse, fire flowers that threaten to destroy everything.
But back to the title. Here’s why you should think twice about going on vacation with Bebe. Yes, I’m talking about the vampire cruise. I guess we can forgive her for embracing her vampire side. After all she didn’t exactly choose to become one. No sooner has Bebe recruited all the survivalists but disaster strikes and it turns out to be a monster trap, the boat sinking and everyone trapped.
2. Is prone to occasional uncontrolled bouts of third-personing.
3.Objects to being called an “OTHER.”
4. Friends in high places. Hangs out with Zeus.
5. Irresistible to female hawks.
6. Chiefly concerned with Raven’s survival. And rubies. And killing Abstract.
7. And er, puppies and horses. (If your dog or horse is missing, please report.)
8. Hates being called a “fluffy pigeon.”
9. And never treat him as a taxi service.
10. Hates manticores.
And if you guessed this was DREN? You were right!
Corny Rhymes Still Have Powers: Some of Dren’s Finest Hours
Dren, a relative newcomer to the site, has made quite an impression in a short period of time.
Dren may have started out as a thin greenish humanoid but quickly revealed himself to be a high-flying griffin with a fully stocked island hideaway and the ability to shift into human form. This is an important distinction here. He isn’t a human who shifts into griffin form. He’s a griffin who can assume human form.
(This appears to be one of the main impediments to his star-crossed relationship with Raven, who would have to assume griffin form to join him on his island.)
Dren is generous to a fault. He often invites other griffins and even reasonable dragons to hang out on his luxury (by griffin standards!) island retreat.
He’s also famous for making and giving away amulets via teleportation that use ruby-bound powers to temporarily turn you griffin. These amulets are very rare and valuable but don’t pawn them or you will be giving somebody a big shock. Also user beware, at least one user has reported seeing spots and passing out before it worked.
His missions here on the site include:
-making sure Raven is okay
-defeating Abstract
-growing his tribe of griffins which has already gone from 54 to 109. Altho several lost in the manticore war so I’m not sure of the exact count at this time
-defeat the manticores.
When he’s not doing any one of those important things, he might be reading up on stuff in books like, Iceland: Portal for Demon Activity?
So if Dren says hello to you, which he often does, unless you’re a manticore don’t be too afraid. Just don’t call him a fluffy pigeon or treat him like a taxi. And if he teleports you one of his amulets? Receiver beware.
And BTW Dren? I’m still waiting for mine….
Thanks to everyone who contributed to survival this month. Your survival is my survival. I hope you’ll stop back tomorrow, Saturday to see the sneak preview of “My Lupine Life,” by Louis Pine.
Thanks for keeping on. Graham can we get some graphics on this? Now to send Dren his pathetically small prize and start making their profiles. Stay tuned for the next Survivor of the Month when we will also be honoring one Hall of Famer, that is one longterm survivor from the past year.
The sneak peek at the new videos by Survivor Louis Pine is now over but it will be back soon with lots more videos.
We will keep you posted here as soon as they are available. It you would like a personal email notification that they are out then just leave a comment below and I will send you an email when they are ready.
Thanks for checking them out and keep on keeping on.
Seth
PS – If you’re saying to yourself, “Self, who is Louis Pine?” Louis is a suspected genetic werewolf and I would urge you to check out the interview I did with him until the other videos are ready.
And then please download my handy supernatural diagnostic device for iOS, The Monstrometer, because talking to yourself like that is a sure sign of something.
Flying carpet researchers at Princeton University studying a small scrap of flying carpet since October, have come to some startling conclusions.
Flying a magic carpet could be a lot harder than it looks. Read on…
How Can You Tell If Your Carpet Can Fly?
This scrap of real flying carpet appears to use an electric current, like a Manta Ray, to flex into little waves and “swim” through the air. Not exactly a smooth ride.
So is it made with real Manta Rays? I asked Princeton graduate student scientist and flying carpet researcher, Noah Jafferis.
“No.” He replied evasively. He claims the electric current is actually created by a system of piezoelectric actuators and sensors that are not harvested from Manta Rays at all.
“But do you need a lot of unobtainium to fuel it?”
Noah Jafferis refused to answer that question for some reason.
Another unexpected discovery Mr. Jafferis shared is that this carpet is designed to fly very close to the ground, mere inches above it, more like a hover-carpet than a flying one.
So how will this help you to correctly identify those carpets designed to fly, or at least hover, before you step on them?
Well try my three-step magic carpet identification system:
1. Look for the ripples. As we have just learned, magic carpets do not lie flat.
2. Look for the sparks. Start by tossing a small pebble or something metallic, like a key or a knife. No wait. Maybe start with a spoon instead.
3. Smell. The pizoelectric actuators will probably smell like eels.
4. Ask it! Magic carpets respond to magic words. Use your magic words, see if one caused it to hover.
And if you have correctly identified a real flying carpet, take a page from Noah and his lab mates and suit up. Magic carpet flying includes: rubber soled shoes and gloves to protect yourself from the piezoelectric current and a good helmet in case it turns out to be a rough ride.
**Whatever you do, don’t try to snip a sample with metal scissors. That’s a fast way to electrifry yourself. Contact the professionals instead.
Whether you’re from Earth, a fan of Earth or just friends with an Earthling, have a nice green day.
If you aren’t from Earth, please be patient with us earth dwellers as our celebrations sometime takes unusual forms. For example:
Don’t be alarmed by strangers teaching you to how to cultivate potatoes on your person. Just keep your ears clean.
Watch out for Leprechauns pushing green drinks left over from St. Patrick’s Day.
If have a tree or a tree form or have been told that you resemble a tree in certain lights, be prepared for huggy strangers. Don’t panic, it’s only one day a year and they mean well. You might even enjoy it!
(Likewise, if you need a hug today? Consider a tree costume. I’m looking into it.)
If an earthling tries to replace your adult diaper with a cloth one, politely ask them to come back in five minutes when you’re done filling it.
Most importantly, watch out for bikes and long boards and if you’re on your bike or long board today remember, more than any other day, your survival is my survival. Please be careful.
TOMS RIVER, N.J. — A New Jersey couple haunted by a noisy ghost this week may have discovered the source of their sleepless nights with the help of a few simple bowling pins.
Bowling Pin Trap Reveals Identity of Ghost
Mere dozens of miles from the site of Amityville Horror – the first one, not the sequel – renters Jose and Michele’s family spent a sleepless week in their haunted New Jersey home before contacting their church pastor and a fleet of paranormal researchers to investigate the source.
Naturally I was flattered when the family asked me to be one of the first researchers on the scene. I did inform them it wasn’t exactly my main area of expertise, but what could I do? Jose and Michele were insistent so I went.
Now I can’t comment IF this house is really haunted or not – that matter is before the courts right now – but I can tell you now WHO is haunting it: Johnny Petraglia. That’s right, bowling triple crown winner Johnny Petraglia, the public face of Bowl-a-size, who went on to win the triple crown with four consecutive strikes in the tenth frame.
How do I know this?
In the old days Johnny trained like this. Now he haunts NJ home.
First, while it’s a well known fact that ghosts in general enjoy bowling, it’s less well known that the whole New Jersey is built on an ancient bowling alley. In fact, New Jersey was once the bowling capital of the world. So whenever I hear of an exceptionally noisy ghost in New Jersey I pack up my bowling shoes and go, knowing I’m liable to be facing a disgruntled PBA great.
Second, it’s a well-known fact that bowling great Johnny Petraglia retired in the area. Johnny was known for his unconventional training regime in life, why would he be any different in the afterlife?
And third, when I finally got to Jose & Michelle’s house, one of the first things I detected was a set of very suspicious duckpins just laying around in the basement.
Later I would advise the couple to dispose of these pins if they didn’t want to host the ghosts of PBA past but not yet. First I needed them to pinpint down the culprit. How else could I be sure this was Johnny Petraglia and not somebody else, say, Bobby Cooper?
Well as you see in the photo above, I set up a classic Bowling Pin Trap to the left of the stairs, knowing that Petraglia, a southpaw, would be unable to resist rolling on those pins, even in the presence of surveillance cameras.
And the results speak for themselves. (See photo above.) It wasn’t long before a ripple appeared on the stairs and the pins began to fall. I immediately advised the family to burn the pins and booked my flight home.
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