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Hosted by renowned supernatural survivologist Seth Greening Seth On Survival is the blog, web series, and mobile app with the supernatural resources that you need to survive in these troubled times.

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Zombie Outbreak in Texas!!!

Hail Survivors!

I recently received a very grave -no pun intended- warning from Survivor Miles who I believe may be located in or near Texas. Survivor Miles recently survived a vicious zombie attack, armed with only his wits and hedge clippers. His parents unfortunately were not so lucky.

Read more here: Zombie Attack!!!

Seth

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Leap With One Eye Open Midnight June 30

Sleeping is Leaping at Midnight On Leap Second Night

As your clock counts down to the June 30th leap second time correction a reminder here from SOS – don’t you be caught s-LEAPING at midnight.

Why is Seth leaping on sleeping, you ask? Because it’s a nice rhymey thing to say?20150619-213329.jpg

Well yes but no not just that. I’m talking about the leap second, when time will tick back one whole second, creating temporal terror with the risk of paradox and/or quantum entanglement and/or lost time travellers who may or may not be Future You CODE RED LEAPER ALERT.

Don’t you wake up trapped in an alternate timeline on July 1! Spare a second now to review some basic leap second safety rules.

Leap Second Safety

1. Don’t Fall Asleep

This obviously is the most important rule. Keep your eyes open. When the clocks tick 11:59 you might even want to stop blinking. Anything can happen and you need to be ready.

2. Feet on the Ground

Yes I mean this literally. No jumping. I know that in the past I may have encouraged survivors to take advantage of a leap second to do a little time hopping using a simple backyard trampoline for a temporal springboard.

But following a raft of reports about temporal trampoline accidents I am rolling back time on this one. I now wish to deny any evidence that being suspended in mid-air the exact moment of a leap second will enable you to time jump. That’s tight. There is no way that jumping up at the exact moment lets you jump to another leap second either in the future nor in the past. That’s just silly. So don’t even try it!!! Whatever you do, please, keep your feet on the ground.

3. Stay Away from Mirrors, Cameras and Hot Tubs

You might not think your life is that great right now – or maybe you do – but even if things are overly awesome right now for you I guarantee there’s some Other You out there who wants your timeline because theirs is worse. So don’t give them the chance to swap places with you. Stay away from devices and situations with obvious time portal potential like open mirrors, cameras and of course hot tubs.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Town Terrorized By Tarantulas Unleashed By Spider Girl

Spider Girl Wanted By World For Questioning After Tarantulas Take Over Town

As a tide of 25,000+ tarantulas takes over an Australian community today the world seeks the so-called Spider Girl to explain why she would try to make an entire town vomit.
SophieHarrisonSpiderGirl

The town of Maningrida, Australia has reportedly been taken over by a new type of tarantula after it was first introduced to the world by this PhD student student Sophie Harrison AKA Spider Girl.

Her strange new tarantula can’t kill you but will make you vomit for an entire day.

Now the world wants to know, is Spider Girl the source of this strange new vomit-inducing vermin and if so, why would she unleash it on the world?

Maningrida is a village in Australia’s Northern Territory, home to some 2,000 aboriginal inhabitants who know well the creationary powers of their land as “the place where the Dreaming changed shape.”

So naturally they took it in stride earlier this month when University of Adelaide student Sophie Harrison produced a strange new tarantula from the bottom of a deep pit and introduced it to the world.

Now a few short weeks later after the town has reportedly been taken over by her spiders the world wants an explanation.

“Did the town offend her in some way? Did she get a bad lunch for example? Or is this just some college kid’s idea of a sick joke?” speculates one supernatural survivalist who is so not just me quoting myself yet again.

“If so, it’s pretty good. As far as sick jokes go, vomiting almost always works. And top marks for creativity and execution here. She really does look innocent in this photo.

Not to mention her PhD thesis is a virtual slam dunk at this point.”

Other, crustier but more responsible medical officials however, have issued a warning that this is no joke.

“Vomiting causes dehydration that can lead to seizures and even death.”

And the Australian government says to tell any and all supernatural tourists planning to pull a copycat gag to just stay home.

“The Dreaming soil of Maningrida is sacred to the Kunibídji people and they don’t take kindly to outsiders thinking they can just show up and use it to create new species on a whim.”

(Trust me. You don’t want to try it. They still haven’t forgiven Darwin. See what I mean?)

Survivors with any further info about the Spider Girl or how to stop her emetic arachnids before the whole world loses its lunch, please contact the site asap.

And as always, long may you keep on keeping on.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Anti-Vampire Party Planning - The Monstrometer Report

VAMPIRE PROOF YOUR PARTY BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!

Whether you’re planning to attend a Halloween party later tonight, or planning one yourself, take a minute – actually 1.5 minutes – to watch this before you unlock the door to an unwanted guest of the undead kind! Your survival is guaranteed 99.93%*

*Some restrictions apply. Please read fine print below.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on. More Monstrometer Reports to come…

*Offer not valid for employees, family and friends of Seth on Survival. Void on Friday the 13th, Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, Black Noodle Day, Cinco de Mayo, Valentines Day, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, Buddhist Festival of the Tooth, Christmas, April Fools Day, Solstice, Equinox, Thanksgiving, Sinter Klaas Day, Ninja Day, Talk Like A Pirate Day, Chanukah…

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

SOS Doppelgänger Day Danger Deja You

WHAT REALLY GOES DOWN WHEN THE DOUBLE DAY DAWNS

Whether you call them clones, evil twins or something more gangsta like doppelganger, this is the day to avoid – or do I mean face? them. Doppleganger Day is the result of a rigorous scientific calculation to determine the day of most double danger for you.  So don’t be caught on clone feet by your double dude. Be on the lookout for others who look too much like you today.*

*WARNING: REQUIRES YOU TO KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK!

While this sounds self-evident ~ easier said than done. How much do you really see yourself in that mirror afterall? I’m not just being philosophical here. That spinach between my teeth in my third video should be proof enough but did you ever show baby photos and ask a friend guess which one is you and wonder why they couldn’t?

Exactly! So today of all days, get a good hard look at yourself before you go out and stumble on your deja you.

Why? Because no matter what your doppelganger dogma, the copy around clones colliding on this day is never calming. Consider the following four fortunes:

1. One of You Must Die 

EvilTwin-sm

It goes like this. When you meet your Other, one of you must die, right there, on the spot. Without further ado, a doppleganger duel to the death must ensue, following the rules of the road. No extraneous conversation outside cap-worthy comments about how alike you really are or that you could have been friends…

2.You Will Die In 48 hours

(Full Disclosure: my personal belief.)

On the Day of the Doppleganger, any physical contact between doubles will result in a slow 48- hour death for the one whose world in which the encounter took place ie: this one.

That’s right certain death within 48 hours. “Certain,” that is unless… Unless what? Well that depends on the situation. But should you find yourself facing a 48-hours unless-death, you might want to spend the next 48 hours trying to figure that out.

On the bright side there usually IS one unless… 

Unless there isn’t.

3. Your Entire World Will End

We’re talking not just dead here. We’re talking erased from existence and all memory. So how does anyone even know about this happens? Just trust me. It’s a fact. And a nasty one at that.

4. You Go For Coffee With Someone Almost As Fascinating As You. 

Oh it sounds like a great outcome, I know. And if your doppleganger diary runs this way then lucky for you. But don’t blame me if it reads like mine….

...then he wouldn’t stop talking… and talking and talking, not even when I started pointing to my imaginary watch then signing up at FakeAngryGirlfriendTexts.com. Dude just loves to hear the sound of his own voice. I know, I know it IS a great voice….

So please Survivors, tomorrow more than ever, watch the spehelling on the site. And if you’re wondering WHY be sure and check out this helpy survival video on this timely topic here.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Monstrometer Report: Kaiju and You

Should you adopt a Kaiju for a pet? Like me, you have likely been considering the question since science broke the news last week about the giant rats taking over the world, one island at a time. But please before you decide, watch the latest Monstrometer Report. The SPCA and I both thank you in advance.

If you haven’t been informed about the rats going Kaiju, you can  read about it here:  http://sethonsurvival.com/survival-news/return-giant-rats-get-ready )
Thanks for keeping on keeping on with SOS and the Monstrometer Reports. Get ready for an important Survivor of the Month announcement.
Seth
Mothra is almost like a bee..

Mothra is almost like a bee..

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Introducing The Monstrometer Report

Hail Survivors,

I’m happy to announce on this fine full moon the survival of the first video in my new series, The Monstrometer Report,  a show that covers the supernatural survival news and views unfolding here on the site and around the world.

In this one, the burning question that should be on your mind anytime a fireball falls to Earth or even when you take out the trash: Am I living In An alien zoo? And if so, what to do?

Do you live in an alien zoo?

Do you live in an alien zoo?

 

Thanks to everyone for helping SOS keep on keeping on and especially for helping out with the site so I could make the new videos. You know who you are: Survivors of the Month, Hall of Famers and everyone who continues to share their supernatural advice and experiences here at SOS.  Long may you keep on keeping on, supernaturally.

 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

What's New in Monstrometer 3.0

Hail Survivors!

The new long-awaited update to the Monstrometer is finally here.  See below for a tease of the new features.

Thanks for keeping on keeping on!

Seth

Get it on the App Store! https://itunes.apple.com/app/monstrometer/id335896676

New features and a redesigned interface to help you keep on keeping on.
Now a universal app for iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch – Optimized for 4″ tall iPhone screens, 3.5″ iPhone screens and iPad.
Updated for iOS7 (also supports iOS 6 and iOS 5) – (if you have iOS 3 or iOS 4 you can still download version 2.2)
Retina Display support with higher resolution graphics throughout.

A nearly 0.01% increase in scan sensitivity.
Now over 12.8% more accurate diagnosis
30+ new interrogation questions
Easier access to stats, monsters and links.
Easy access to all SOS supernatural survival resources (web site, videos, ebooks, apps and supernatural survival diagnostic tools).

New Lunar Phase tracker to help you survive

Watch HD videos from within the app!

Modernized code for improved performance, compatibility and stability.

Monstrometer3-Home

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by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Are You Living In a Hologram? New Research

Four Signs That You Could Be Living In A Hologram

Are you as impatient as I am for the final results of the Fermilab Holometer experiments to tell you definitively, once and for all, if you or I, or indeed many or ALL of us, are really just two dimensional holograms in a holographic reality?

Who's Living In a Hologram?

Who’s Living In a Hologram?

If so then good news! No need to wait any longer because SOS can enlighten you today.

See, you really don’t need a fancy particle accelerator lab and a bunch of million dollar mirrors like the physicists at Fermilab  to detect the holographic noise of the universe.

(Although if you do have them handy, you might want to whip up your own Home Holometer just for fun to scan others. But the aren’t strictly necessary.)

No, all you really need to shed some light on the matter is the following helpy quiz.

Signs You Are Living In A Hologram

1. Are You Surrounded By Mirrors?

You probably thought the place was decorated by a vain person. Or maybe you never even noticed all those strategically placed reflective surfaces before but now they seem to follow you everywhere. Go ahead and try to escape the reflections now… just to see what happens. If you can’t escape them there’s a good chance it’s part of the whole virtual production package that includes you.

2. Does the world shift and change around you?

You might have blamed it on your eyesight, thought you needed new glasses, or maybe you thought the weather was always foggy where you live, but if you start to notice the scenery shifting and focusing around you as you move, it’s more likely a result of lag time. To test this one, try unexpectedly changing your speed and/or height as you move through the environment and see what happens. Is the refresh rate keeping time with you?

3. Flickering Lights

Are your eyes always bothered by flickering light sources? Holographic productions require two or more flickering light sources to create a projection.

4. Notice a hum or a high pitch whine

That’s probably just the machine that makes you the ghost inside it. Too many crushed Doritos or dust bunnies in the hardware – it probably just needs a can of compressed air. Your forecast calls for an unexpected wind storm. Unless the creator is AFK, in which case expect a severe heat wave as the noise gets worse.

Those are the signs, Survivors. Don’t wait for the physicists to tell you their findings in August, start taking your own notes now and remember, even if there is no spoon, the steak still tastes delicious… 

Keep on keeping on!

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

New Lunar Camping Gear for Your Next Trip to the Moon

LUNAR CAMPING SAFETY TIPS

Good news just in time for space tourism season, there’s new lunar camping gear available for your next holiday on the moon.

Like many survivors disenchanted with Lunarville overcrowding and pirate pricing, this news of a lunar safe, inflatable tent courtesy of Massachusetts Institute of Technology can’t come soon enough.

For your next camping trip to the moon.

For your next camping trip to the moon.

Moon city merchants could charge an astronomical amount for a crappy coffin-size bed on the dark side of the rock with measly half-rations of Soylent and Tang. After all, Lunarville had a safe haven monopoly that couldn’t be beat. With no reliable lunar camping gear on the market, you could only venture as far away from it as your rover could travel safely in a couple of hours.

Thankfully MIT’s new camping gear should turn this into a tacky souvenir T-shirt from the bad old days of space tourism. The new lunar habitat tents from MIT are portable, inflatable, with an alien-tested airlock made of silicone-coated Vectran. Not to mention available in two stylish camo colors: ash grey and dun green.

But wait. Before you rush off to click on that shopping cart, be sure and read the following safe lunar camping tips.

Tips For Safe Lunar Camping

Practice rolling out your new tent before you leave.

Practice rolling out your new tent before you leave.

 1. Unpack it before you pack it

If you can’t deploy and inflate it, the lunar tent is a lot less effective. Not to mention uncomfortable. Make sure to practice rolling it out on a rocky surface and inflating/deflating the support tubes several times on earth before you hit the skies.

Iceland is an ideal location for this kind of dress rehearsal as long as the elves don’t interfere.

2. Test the airlock

Once your tent is fully inflated you need to test the airlock under simulated lunar conditions ie: in full space suit.

To do this, you will need to put on your space suit and go inside. Zip the entry membrane and wait for it to fill with oxygen before taking off your space suit. Triple check all meters for false readings before you relax.

3. Plan a sunny route

At any given time, the dark side of the moon is varies with its cycle. Important for you to know because your tent and its life support systems are solar powered so you will need to chart your camping trip accordingly.

Remember that one sunrise-sunset cycle on the moon is 29.5 days long — an entire Earth month so you may want to bring both a backup battery and a good sleep mask for longer trips.

4. Arm Yourself Against Space Pirates. 

Space tourism season brings them out and while your new lunar tent will keep out 99.98% of predatory aliens, there is no protection against space pirates.

Another story in the news today is proof of that. Did Martian pirates hijack the Philae space rover?

We’re looking into these allegations and more now here at SOS. Until then, happy lunar camping, Survivors, long may you keep on keeping on.

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Future You Foiling Your Plans for the Present? New Research From Physics

If you’re having a weird day, blame Future You for messing with your past says physics 

Physics news today, if you’re having a really weird day you have only yourself to blame cause it’s probably your future self “fixing” your past who is messing up your present.

You may have heard this. Australian physicists have proved that the behaviour of subatomic particles – aka: the smallest building blocks of everything including you and me  – can only be measured and observed from the future.

Physics says Future You could foil your present plans.

Physics says Future You could foil your present plans.

“Until then, reality does not exist,” reports lead researcher Andrew Truscott.

The effect on us now is clear.  This moment of unexplained weirdness brought to you by your future self, who is tinkering with the timelines of your shared past.

Or is it…? In a big weird world just how will you know for sure if the one weirding up your weekend is actually Future You – or somebody else?

An excellent question, Seth. Thank you Seth. While there are no absolute answers at present, in the future we should be able to make a more informed assessment in the past.

However that will be too late. So let’s just go with a few simple guidelines for now.

Is It Future You Futzing Your Day?

 1. It was always X, but now it’s Y

You knew it was red when you got it but maybe you hate red. You wished it could be blue but it was a sale so you bought it anyway. And now here on the big day you needed it, suddenly it’s blue… What’s happening to you? Are you going insane?

Probably. At least until you realize that your meddling future self is making unexpected changes in your past.

2. You find weird notes to yourself

They pop up in your shoe or on your phone and you don’t remember writing them. Notes like, Don’t trust her! Or, Buy lottery ticket with these numbers. Or, Stop staring at your screen while you walk you’re going to d…

Clearly Future You is trying to communicate. But should you listen to your future self and do what they tell you? Always listen to Future You and do what they…

Unfortunately if the physicists are right, there is no way to negotiate with your future self. At least not at present. And even if there is a way, see note below, #4. Fights with Future You can end very badly.

3.  Your key doesn’t fit in the lock. 

You go to open the door but your key no longer works and the combination is changed. Do you even live here?

The answer is no. Not anymore. And the person who lives there now just called the cops because there’s a stranger trying to get into their house. You can thank your future self. Just as soon as you figure out where you actually live now…

4. Is that me or somebody who looks like me?

You catch a glimpse of yourself in a glass or a window or maybe in the rearview mirror of a car. Except it’s not you. Not exactly. Not right now. You shaved this morning. Or maybe you didn’t. Are your sunglasses on your face? No? Then why do they appear in the…

This deja vu brought to you from Future You. It’s unclear at this time if Future You can actually appear in person, time travel style, or just through a temporal-spatial gate, but in any event do not approach and above all DO NOT MISTAKE FUTURE YOU FOR YOUR EVIL TWIN. That’s how you wind up killing both of you.

On a somewhat related note, does this explain the new Void Key battles here on SOS? 

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Human Cyborgs Infiltrate DARPA Robot Competition

DARPA Robot Challenge finalists accuse USA and Germany of cheating with human cyborg ringers to take advantage of the emphasis this year on tasks best suited to humanoids.

20150605-130953.jpg

“We demand Vigor and Trooper remove their masks and submit to DNA testing immediately,” states the coalition of Asian teams led by Japan and South Korea.

“These entries are very clearly prosthetically enhanced construction workers.”

But team USA claims the accusations are nothing more than professional jealousy.

“The accusations are absurd,” stated Vigor, clearly munching on a hotdog behind his visor. “Old Simian’s just mad cuz he doesn’t have a head.

“Besides, my last job was in a care home for senior citizens.”

“You going to eat that?” he added indicating my untouched hotdog. “Sawing through all of these rocks and chucking them is really hard work even with my awesome new exoskeleton.”

With 3.5 million in prize money at stake – not to mention a daily lunch buffet – the price of being eliminated from the competition couldn’t be higher.

Watch the competition online today and decide for yourself!

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Enraged Elves in Iceland Battle Mayor Who Broke Their Church

Lava elves bitter battle with town continues after mayor agrees to move their church and then breaks it instead…

Lava Elves in Iceland take up arms again this week after the humans who agreed to move their church away from a proposed road project broke the structure in half instead.

Movers broke the church.

Movers broke this elf church.

“When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What do you do with half a church?” said enraged elf activist Fróðu, author of inspirational books that include Be Your Best Elf-Or Else“When we agreed to let the humans move it naturally we assumed they meant to move it in one piece! What are we supposed to do with half a church?”

The church, known as Ófeigskirkja was located in the Gálgahraun lava field, about ten minutes outside Rykjavik, smack in the middle of a proposed route to the town of Alftanes.

After eight years of fighting the proposed road development, the Lava Elves finally agreed to allow the relocation of their church in exchange for a lucrative relocation package that includes protection for the environment, a lifetime supply of peach skyr and satellite televisions.

But the moving crew hired to relocate the elves’ 50 ton rock church last week reportedly broke the chapel in half during the move.

“Is this the thanks we get for guiding humans safely through the lava fields all those years?” ranted Fróðu referring to the Lava Elves tradition of warning travellers away from hot lava spots using the church beacon. “Wait until you see what happens to their construction crew now!”

“I’ll give you a hint. It smells like melted bulldozers.”

Icelandic construction workers remember the history of “accidents” that have befallen those who failed to heed elven warnings. These are so many that even non-believers would rather play it safe than risk incurring the wrath of the huldufólk or “hidden folk” as the Icelanders call them.

In fact many concerned workers are already refusing to begin work on the project.

“It’s not worth it,” said one worried dozer driver. “Do you know how many machines and men they melted in the seventies before the supernatural site conservation laws? A lot.”

The danger is so great that companies planning large scale projects now try to pre-empt problems with the supernatural world by hiring consultants with clairvoyant skills to check out the landscape first to ensure it was empty of elvish rocks.

But what if you have a suspicious rock in your hood and you can’t afford an over-priced consultant? Don’t let this happen to you! Learn to identify elvish structures before enraging the elves inside it.

Most elf houses are not marked like this one near Selfos, Iceland.

How to Identify Elf Rocks

1. Location
Is the rock in the middle of a road? Elf rocks and roads go together for one of two reasons, depending whose story your believe. The elves say it’s because the best place to protect the earth and all its creatures is from the middle of a major roadway. And to be fair there are many, many reports of accidents averted by the sight of an elf on the road. But others suspect this elvish tendency is actually a form of piracy and for that matter you don’t hear as much about the accidents caused by an elf popping up unexpectedly in the middle of the road.

2. Inclusions
Is there something sticking out of the rock? Think a sword, spike or anchor but don’t rule out human legs which have also been reported. Point here is when it comes to elf rocks, things often get stuck in them for long periods of time. Like forever. Or until a once and future king appears to extract it.

3. Doors & Windows
Elves may be magical but they aren’t uncivilized. They prefer rock structures with windows and doors. No they won’t all be painted doors red with a giant Z on the front of it like the photo above – which was more likely marked by a human – but any rock with a number of openings and exits will do. Remember elves come in a range of sizes from slightly taller than a fairy to 8 feet in height so any rock formation is fair game, from boulders to caves.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

How to Summon Fairies: Lessons from the Fairy Ladies

FAIRY LADIES OF ENGLAND SHARE SECRETS

It’s probably the 14th most frequently asked question here on SOS – Seth, how do I summon a fairy? Preferably a transit fairy so I can stop missing the bus?

I’ll admit it’s a question which I have been slow to answer. In part because I get caught up with the more pressing questions, like, how can I get a werewolf to bite me? And, is this a Seth Rogen fanzine? 

But also in part because dealing with fairies is not straightforward as it seems. Need I remind survivors that fairies are not just tiny, sparkly beings of light who grant your wishes but malevolent iron-averse shapeshifting creatures who want to drag you to a faery realm for a life of servitude?

No, finding fairies is not something I would recommend. The danger is real Survivors and before you read further I would urge you to review these warning about the dangers of trying to trap a fairy. What a relief that my campaign appears to have tamed that trend.

Lessons from the fairy ladies.

Lessons from the fairy ladies.

But if you have already read my warning here and you are still intent on summoning a benevolent fairy in flight form, who am I to judge? I myself once had a hair fairy and admittedly, it was one of the longest best hair days of my life.

(But trust me, you don’t want to hear the price…)

With that disclaimer out of the way, I now reluctantly present to you Survivors, top tips from the Fairy Ladies of England, a group of ladies who say they have cracked the fairy code to commune regularly with the fae folk.

4 FAIRY FINDING FACTS

1. Flowers Attract Fairies

Fairy lady Jeanette Gage of Sutton England (opposite) uses Larkspurs, Fuchsia and Sweetpeas but her all time favourite is much easier to cultivate: dandelions.

“When you blow on a dandelion you will see the enchanted spreading their wings on their journeys,” she reported to the Daily Mail this week.

(Of course this may also attract angry neighbours but that’s just one of the risks you take searching for fairies.)

2. Fairies Love Wind Chimes

Fairies are suckers for music and they can’t resist stopping to play a tune so get a good set of wind chimes and put it in a window or doorway. By a good set, I mean any kind that is not too heavy a fairy can’t move them with its tiny wings. Fact: fairies can hear a wind chime from up to 86 miles away. If they like yours, they will make a detour to your door.

3. Fairies Love Fountains

In this fairies are like the rest of us. They need water. In fact, fairies in flight get 30X more thirsty than humans. They plan their routes around gently running water sources like fountains, which are far less dangerous than raging rivers or waterfalls inhabited by the elves and mermish. Provide a gentle, reliable water source and chances are good you will find a flight of fairies before you know it.

Of course, if the only running water source you have is a touchy toilet, you could try this trick shared by a real fairy here on SOS. DRAGONFLY_FAIRY_HEATHER reports that a bowl of water infused with the essence of something sweet will lure a fairy like her to check it out.  Read all about Dragonfly_Fairy_Heather here.  Just make sure you change the bowl regularly or you could wind up with ants. And nobody, least of all me, wants that.

4. Twist three times and sprinkle yourself with fairy dust.

This one comes form Fairy Lady Bonnie Sullivan who discovered this trick as a child. She went into a wardrobe – i.e.: a closet if you live in North America – turned around three times and sprinkled fairy dust on herself. Then she went to the window and ajiji-majii-la-tarajii… the fairies found her.  This mother of three has lived with the fairies ever since.

Of course this won’t work if you don’t have any fairy dust or your closet is too small and/or too full for spinning around. Unfortunately SOS cannot at this time enlarge your closet space but here is a link to a report by WEREWOLF GIRL about fairy dust and where to get it.*

*Disclaimer: SOS assumes no responsibility for the quality of any magic items obtained through its pages. As there are many different providers and kinds of fairy dust, Survivors are advised to do their own research and order at their own risk.

And now I would be negligent if I did not repeat, Survivors, repeat, while I do not personally recommend it, if you must and do succeed in finding a fairy: NEVER ATTEMPT TO TRAP A FAIRY. Please review the truth about fairies here.

And keep on keeping on.

Seth

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

Town Terrorized by Lutins Perilous Peppermint Tree To Pacify Populace

Town terrorized by lutins who pacified the populace with a perilous peppermint fairy fruit tree

Peppermint tree pacified town

Peppermint tree pacified town

SOS alert the besieged town of St. Elie, Quebec has officially fallen to the lutin forces who first pacified the unwitting populace with a perilous peppermint fruit tree.

 When this innocent-looking tree first appeared in a forested St. Elie park some five years ago, the town hailed the appearance of its soft pink, sweet and spicy fruit, harvesting and consuming it in copious quantities, blissfully unaware of the nefarious effect of eating fae foods.

The whole Internet celebrated with St. Elie, trumpeting the reappearance of a real peppermint tree in story after story about the economic impact on this formerly sleepy town. Nobody seemed concerned about the real consequences…

Now five years later, these consequences become clear. The lutins have landed and a town is over run by feckless fae making a magical mint from folks who flock from around the globe to taste and see the magical fruit of the miracle St. Elie peppermint tree.

Signs of the town’s defeat hang everywhere you look. From special lutin-only crosswalks to lutin-run restaurants and hotels, it’s clear the population of St. Elie now lives in pacified servitude to their wee overlords.

Don’t let this happen where you live! Be on the lookout for any suspicious trees in your neighbourhood.

Town defeated by Lutins

Town falls to fae fruit of Lutins Peppermint Tree.

Never seen a fairy tree? No problem. Count yourself among the lucky survivors. But please, review the following before it’s too late for you and your town.

How to ID a Fairy Tree: 

1. Unusual Fruit

While not a scientific term yet, unusual is the best way to describe fae fruit which comes in many shapes, colors and sizes.

But that’s just part of the magic that makes it so appealing. Terrestrial fruits take time to grow and ripen, from flower to small fruit, growing over a predictable time frame to a larger size and deeper color that is more or less uniform.

Fae fruit, by contrast appears overnight with bright colors, often mixed or swirly, fully-formed and sometimes even fully wrapped as in the case of St. Elie. This makes harvesting it from the ground below that much easier, not to mention it can last forever on a shelf.

2. Makes You Want MORE

Faery fruit like all fae foods is magically designed to make you eat more and more AND mooooore AND MOOOOORE…

You get the idea. While fruit of the terrestrial realm will eventually fill you up and switch a stop-light in your brain, fairy fruit will never do this. In fact the opposite occurs. Think of it as sending a flashing neon-yellow GO-GO-GO-TIME-IS-RUNNING-OUT signal. T

3. The Real Magical Fruit

Those feckless fae have learned a lot since the days when they relied on beans to trap their prey…

(Except for giants. Giants are slow to change and many of them still go around trying to trade magic beans for livestock. Yes, the smartest giants have switched to jelly beans but even they have difficulty finding humans willing to accept them in exchange for a cow.)

…the point here is the fruit of a fairy tree is spelled. Spelled to do what? Oh, only to enslave you in one or more terrifying ways. What terrifying way? Just depends on which kind of fae you are facing and their needs. You could end up a fairy farm hand, amassing sweet mints for sale at exorbitant prices in a tourist town for lutin overlords or licking lollipops to generate power to a leprechaun shoe factory.

4. Fairy Fruit is First One Free

Again, except for the giants. See above. The fae of today give the first fruits away for free or nearly free, to rope you in and get you hooked. But very soon you will find there is a price. With leprechauns and lutins, that price will often be money, more and more of it as your appetite for more and better grows. But with other elvish and mixed magical beings and associated underworld-y types, the price can be much steeper. Like what? Oh, only your soul. Your memories. Your feelings. Little things like that.

5. Fairy Farmers Never Eat Their Own Fruit

Need more proof? Find a fairy farmer and offer them a fae fruit. Will they eat it? Ah no. Never. Not in your lifetime. They’ll do everything in their power to not consume it. They’ll sniff it and cut it and cook it and stack it and make buildings and even entire cities out of it but you will never ever see them eat it. That’s because even the fae are not immune to spells from other fae. And nobody is more suspicious than they.

Don’t let the lutins and leprechauns lord over you! Keep your community fae fruit free this summer. Alert the site if you spot a fairy tree in your land and SOS will send a herbicidal service STAT – first one is free.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com

SOS GIANT ALIENS EARTHLING INSECTS HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE?

Giant intelligent aliens could see Earth as an insect colony, says science this week.

Could it be true? Are Earthlings the ants in a universe of giant aliens? If so how will you and your colony survive the coming alien exterminators?

Is Earth a giant insect colony?

Is Earth a giant insect colony?

First here’s the new science. Most intelligent aliens weigh more than 661 pounds or more than 300 kilos and likely stand nine feet tall, says scientist Dr. Fergus Simpson.

Why?

“Larger biospheres will host a wider range of species and a greater number of individual life-forms. For these reasons it seems highly likely that larger biospheres possess a greater probability of producing an intelligent species. This reinforces our conclusion that most life bearing planets are smaller than the Earth.

Throughout the animal kingdom, species which are physically larger invariably possess a lower population density, possibly due to their enhanced energy demands,” writes Dr. Fergus in his paper. 

“As a result, we should expect humans to be physically smaller than most other advanced species.”

The challenge to the survivoillogical community is clear – need to review and rethink your SOS strategy! Aliens may be coming smart kaiju to a continent near you, less intent on laying eggs in your chest than systematically exterminating you and yours.

So how will you survive? Until the details are in, consider these handy tips as a starter guide.

SOS EARTHLING SURIVIVAL STARTER GUIDE

1. Be Aware of Unusual Shadows

Yes, hidden underworld beings make them too but not like a giant alien. Got a sudden chill? Look up, waaaaay up! Is that a building? No?

Run to the nearest bunker immediately.

2. Insect Earthling Traps

If Earthlings are the insects of the universe that cockroach hotel could be a pest control trap for you, literally speaking.

Don’t be exterminated! Awesome architecture aside, avoid any structure that resembles a giant ant trap or smells of unknown chemicals.

3.  Protective Gear

In times like this, a good raincoat, boots and hat or tarp go a long way. To avoid contact with people pesticides wear them at all times when you exit your bunker.

Just be sure to safely remove and decontaminate all protective outerwear before you re-enter your domain or you could be responsible for an entire colony collapse.

Start there survivors and long may you keep on keeping on.

by Seth Greening - Visit SethOnSurvival.com